Still not feeling attached to adopted daughter

Very solid advice. Yes you need to schedule attachment time.

I would say double the time is about right. My eldest was 23 months in foster care and he's almost 7 now. I had the hardest time bonding to him and it probably took about 3 years before we really felt like we were both on the same page. When I think about it I have not had that feeling of non-attachment for a very very long time now. I did the sweets thing with him too. But I was mom 4 and he did not trust mothers. I had to do a lot to get him to trust me. But because he didn't trust me he didn't love me and I closed off to him at some point. It was easy to get him to bond. It was me that needed the work. Time is really the best thing you have on your side. Each day it gets a little better. Every mother needs to have time away to rest and regroup and feel good about herself. When you feel good about you you will have an easier time with the child.

I would definitely schedule time for affection. I read somewhere (maybe on here!?) to do a 10-20-10 plan: 10 minutes of affections like stories or finger play or massage in the morning, 20 in the afternoon, 10 at night. I really don't do that much because my daughter is 21 months and I also have an 8 month old. But I try to have time for JUST HER in the morning for 10 - 15 min. I have 2 bio children and an adopted daughter, and the first year of her life was a huge struggle for me. Even now I have days where I just don't feel the same about her as I do about my bio kids, even though I love her very very much. It hurts me that I didn't enjoy her as a baby, but I can't go back, so I am trying to go forward. I don't think she has attachment issues (she came to us at 10 days old) but she was a very very fussy baby, and is a high-maintenance toddler! Even her Grammy and my friend that baby-sits one day a week agree that she is high maintenance! I have found that doing more massage, snuggling, kissing, and touching her in a loving way have helped ME. I realized how much I was caressing the baby, feeling her soft skin, patting her hair, smelling her - all those things you do when you are over the moon for your baby. And it occurred to me that I needed to be that way with my 21-month old too. As weird as it may sound, it has helped me claim her to some degree. Like some other people mentioned, I still sometimes feel I am parenting someone else's child. My husband doesn't feel that way at all, and even my adoption agency was like "hmm, we've never really had anyone else say that or feel this way" (gee, thanks people). Also, check out a book called "I Love You Rituals" by Becky A Bailey that has a lot of finger plays and other things that are supposed to be good for bonding. I just got it last week, but I really like it so far. Gives me and my daughter something fun and interactive to do.

Thank you for the book suggestion. Adding to my list.

Yeah, I just mentioned the issue of using sweets because I know that kid who come home older than 18 months often have serious problems with trust and bonding that have become so ingrained as to be biologically based. Often with kids who come home older, time and affection alone will not be enough but there are techniques like that one that help. We were "lucky" that our children came home at an age when the difficulties were largely solvable with time, patience and affection. Yes, our older child has a high-maintenance temperament but it appears to be just that, the temperament that she was born with, rather than a reaction to circumstances and trauma. My brother has a bio-kid who is also high-maintenance in somewhat similar ways. Difficult temperaments do "just happen" with adopted kids as well. :)

Thank You. :) :) :)Sweets DO help! They facilitate attachment and create brain activity. Plus they're very hard to resist to a child. The need for sweets defeats the need to avoid attachment. Milkshakes in baby bottles, etc. Plus it replicates the very real bond of feeding and being fed.

Wow you are reading my mind! I feel the EXACT same way! We have a birth child 5 yo and have adopted a 4yo that has been with us for 6 months. These kids are night and day! I think that is my biggest struggle. Birth child is well behaved, easy, loves to learn but adopted child is loud, talks all the time, doesn't listen/pay attention. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle her. She's got SO much to learn that she missed out on. Grammer, manners, basic words, etc. I get tired of repeating every little thing to her because her learning style is different. That then causes me to not like her. I want to bond with her but I struggle with being the perfectionist mom and her not catching on fast enough. I thought at 4 yo it would be easy for her to learn and catch on to the way our family works. And I get the same thing from outside family thinking I'm just a jerk because adopted daughter is just wonderful. I'm thankful to have a very supportive husband who understands and tells me not to worry what other people think. I love all the ideas given in other posts. I will keep working at this.

Keep in mind that while some of it may be adjustment and bonding issues, some of it is also just temperament differences. Temperament is partially genetic within families, so the statistical chance of getting a child with a temperament that is like yours is greater with a bio child. I ironically am now struggling with the issue that my older adopted daughter, who was sooooo perfect until she was three (she came home at 3 months with no discernable attachment issues), is now kind of a little terror. She is incredibly defiant, does not want to learn anything, is delighted about being mean and aggressive. I end up focusing way too much attention on her because that is the one thing that keeps her on an even keel. Whereas the younger child (the one who used to have all the problems with attachment because he came home at 10 months and was an emotional anxiety-ridden wreck) is now extraordinarily patient and helpful at 2 and a half. He ends up showing up the 4-year-old in all kinds of learning and my one great hope is that she (because she is quite bright) will become jealous and competitive and try to be better than him. Unfortunately, even though I try not to, I can tell that he gets less attention because he is good and causes little trouble and simply doesn't take as much work. I know that isn't good but it is really very difficult to prevent.

WOW I too read the title to this and thought to myself "did I write this one?". I feel you on every single level. We havetwo little girls (5 and 6 years old) we have had them for 2 years. I don't feel like she is attached to us. I beat myself up daily about this. Se does things that drive us NUTS! *hugs*

It took over a year before I started connecting with DD #1 and she was only 9 weeks when we got custody however she was 3 days old when she came in to the family. So we've been around her since birth. As she got older we learned that she had a sensory processing disorder and being born exposed to drugs it really effected her personality and eating issues. Plus she has some of my horrible traits (sassy!) LOL! didn't have to give birth to her and she's still too much like me. But now she's almost 3 and I physically miss her when I'm at work. I take her errand running etc. she's my buddy now. I love her beyond love. DD #2. Instant love. She was born and after First Mom had a great snuggle she was placed in my arms. She looked up at me and smiled and that was it. I was sold and apparently so was she. She's the best baby and we've been so in love since. Made me sad I didn't have that connection with DD #1. But DD #1 was hard very very hard and I think DD #2 happened so quickly after #1 that had it been any longer away I probably wouldn't have done it. I felt the same smothered feelings you had and the same overwhelmed need for a break, guilt etc etc etc. Ain't nothing easy about this process, sometimes it's easier than others but it's a lot of work. Wish I had known of this page when I was trying to bond with DD #1 thankfully it just happened eventually perhaps it would have been quicker with this knowledge.

I am so happy to come across people who feel what I feel and can understand me. I have felt like I was invaded and I want my life back for a while. My husband and I adopted 3 kids last year and they've lived with us for over a year. We don't have any biological children of our own, but lots of nieces and nephews. The honeymoon stage wore off really quickly and now I dread waking up each day. The biggest issue is the youngest. She is sweet for the most part but when she can't do what she wants or is being corrected or punished, she turns into a sixteen year old with major attitude. We've also had lying issues and sneaking food at night issues. I don't trust her and I can't seem to love her when I dread being around her. On top of that, she was way behind academically and I have been working with her to catch her up, but she plays dumb a lot or just forgets ( I can't tell which). The older ones are a little different. They are sweet and more independent, which is nice. They have issues as well, but not as big as hers. I have problems attaching to them too, but I have more of a bond with them because I don't feel like I have to be on the look at for what's next with them. I know part of the issue is the bm because I can't stand her and she is leaving messages all the time. The kids don't want to see or talk to her, but I am still reminded that they are not fully mine when I get her messages. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.

How old is the youngest? Is there any way you can change your phone number and only allow emails? at least for awhile....I can tell you, my kiddo has had those issues non stop until only recently (10 years). I had to shift my expectations of success....and help her completely change her emotional needs toolbox. Therapy for YOU and HER both (separately) will help.

How old is the youngest? Is there any way you can change your phone number and only allow emails? at least for awhile.... I can tell you, my kiddo has had those issues non stop until only recently (10 years). I had to shift my expectations of success....and help her completely change her emotional needs toolbox. Therapy for YOU and HER both (separately) will help.

She is 8 years old. In regards to bm, myhusband and I were talking just the other day and he said, "If the kids are done with her, then we should be done with her." In the last week she's text at least once a day and again asked when she can have a visit. I communicated to her about two weeks ago that a visit was not going to happen any time soon because the kids don't want one. Over the last six months I've told her almost weekly that i will let her know when we will have a visit. She just doesn't get it and it annoys me so much. We don't have to let her talk to them, see them, and we don't have to have communication with her. I think we will be cutting it off completely. Thank you for the encouragement, I just pray it doesn't take another 2 years before we see a change.

She is 8 years old. In regards to bm, myhusband and I were talking just the other day and he said, "If the kids are done with her, then we should be done with her." In the last week she's text at least once a day and again asked when she can have a visit. I communicated to her about two weeks ago that a visit was not going to happen any time soon because the kids don't want one. Over the last six months I've told her almost weekly that i will let her know when we will have a visit. She just doesn't get it and it annoys me so much. We don't have to let her talk to them, see them, and we don't have to have communication with her. I think we will be cutting it off completely. Thank you for the encouragement, I just pray it doesn't take another 2 years before we see a change.