SUCCESS STORIES (or Try, Fail, Try, Fail, Try, Succeed Stories) ABOUT OLDER CHILDREN

My DH and I have adopted 8 children and 6 of them were older than 3 yrs. old when they came home. I feel that we have been blessed with the best children in the world. They have had many issues over the years but have continued to grow in their relationships with us and with each other. The most important advice I would give to you would be to appreciate the small steps and start each day with a clean slate, for the children and for you as the parent. If you take the time to enjoy the positive in your child and do your best to accept what you cannot change, you will look back on your decision to adopt an older child with joy. Mom to 8 GREAT kids currently in the process to add 1 more [url]http://forums.adoption.com/images/smilies/w00t.gif[/url]

I adopted my daughter at age 6 from Russia. She was defiant and non-compliant from day 2. It escalated into high level aggression. She hit, kicked, bit, spit, and everything in between. It went on and on and on. I started her in therapy before she was even fluent in English. It didn't help. Other therapists and psychiatrists didn't help either. In between the hell, I saw glimpses of a smart, funny, creative, athletic child. Eventually, I (not the therapists) figured out she had RAD (reactive attachment disorder). For a while, I still struggled to find an attachment therapist. Eventually, I found an attachment therapist that knew her stuff. For a while, it got worse. Then, slowly progress happened, alternating with lots of backsliding. I learned to parent her in new ways and she worked on all of her emotional baggage. When her aggression flared, she went to therapeutic respite where she did chores and practiced being respectful. After 16 months of therapy, she was attached and compliant, with no more aggression. She's now 19 and just finished her first year at Duke! The process of getting her healed was horrific. I lost my business and lots of friends, and came to the edge of bankruptcy. For several years after, I suffered from depression and was on two antidepressants. The doctor said it was probably due, at least in part, to the trauma I suffered during those years. There was nothing easy about what I went through. But, the result is beyond wonderful. Susan W.

Oh my gosh! That's amazing! I read something in a book about an adoptive mom basically saying that you should have lower expectations for adopted children, but your story kind of proves that wrong! LOL. Not sure if I'm up to THAT much of a struggle, but it's sure inspiring to know that even when you come across trouble, there's still hope. Thanks:)

I'm so glad I found this thread. We are considering adopting two older girls ages 9 and 10 from Eastern Europe and are aware that they have some aggressive behaviors. We are very hopeful and want to be the family that helps to heal them but at the same time I am scared to death. I hear all the horror stories but I want to read the ones where it was rough but there was a happy ending and what you did to get there. Thanks to everyone that is sharing :)

I adopted all 4 of mine from foster care. L, who came home at 6 yo was the first one. He couldn't read and had a learnng disorder. Still has a LD but reads, and tries to do his best. P, L's bio brother, came home a year later at 11 from an RTC. He was the victim of SA and acted out. there was acting out: urinating outside, staying out until late at night, staying out without permission.. but he's healed tremendously. they both did therapy. Consistency and time ins was the key. J and B, my 2 youngest, came home 3 years ago at 5 and 6. I was their 6th placement with the prior placement lasting 4 days. They had anger issues out the wazoo!! fought and cursed at teachers, principals, day care workers. But in time, they also healed. Consistency, time ins and love helped them.

LovedByHim,Knowing ahead of time that the girls have aggression issues means this won't be a piece of cake. But, knowing this ahead of time gives you the opportunity to be prepared. You won't want to hear what I'm about to say, but without it, you will be setting yourselves and the girls up for difficulties (I'm avoiding using the word "failure"). In order to help them feel safe with a structure to help them heal, put the following pieces into place from day one: Time with just you and your husband, not extended family and friends, for a couple months. Lots of cuddles and nurturing, even if they resist. Daily routines. Regular chores. Clear, but matter of fact consequences for poor choices. Separate bedrooms. Alarms on the doors. An adoption/attachment therapist to help you with bonding. And, last but not least, learn as much Russian, or whatever their language is, as you can. We think our children will arrive feeling excited but in fact they feel disconnected and filled with grief. The more you can talk to them in their native language, the better their transition will be.I understand this sounds overly pragmatic and even stern, but what you'll be doing is creating a new world in order to help these girls change their lives. Lots of love is one big ingredient, but it's probably not enough. At the same time, as the past parent of an aggressive, violent, mean 6-year old from Russia, I hope I'm pointing you toward the success that I had which is a delightful young woman who just finished her first year of college and is working this summer as a counselor at a Christian camp. It was a hard, hard road, but she did make it.Susan W.

x-post from foster/adopt stories... didn't want to retype :)Our birth children were 10 and 12 when my hubby and I decided that we wanted to expand our family. You see, we can have biological children, we CHOSE adoption because there are SO MANY children just waiting. We knew that we weren't perfect parents. We did our research and knew not to expect perfect children either. We waited until our birth children were older so that they would have an understanding of why their new sibling may behave differently then other children from traditional homes. We knew we weren't saving a child. We weren't expecting gratitude. We just wanted to be parents to a larger family. Blood didn't matter.Classes were at the end of Sept and we were licensed by the following Jan. for a foster/adopt sibling group, under the age of 10, with no sever needs. (RAD possibly depending on behaviors. No Fetal Alcohol) Other needs would be determined on a case by case basis. Statistics show that we should be expecting 7-10yr old boys and bi-racial.We were matched with a 18m, 3 and 4 yr old Caucasian toddlers. 2 boys/1 girl all with global developmental delays. Of course it couldn't be that easy and we ended up in a legal situation with an extended relative and the children didn't get to move home until July of that year. Within a month I just knew that the children had FASD. You see we did the research. We had the knowledge and it was apparent. WE DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS!!! The children's workers were great and they weren't trying to hide anything they just were either lacking education on it or didn't spend enough time with the children to see it themselves. We requested testing and starting educating ourselves. You see they were already our children. They were ours the moment they walked through my front door. They needed someone to advocate for them, to understand and interpret their needs and I needed someone to care for. We weren't going down without a fight. We got educated and we rolled with the punches. Three years ago it seemed like a tragedy. Today it just is what it is. The 4yr old is on the autism spectrum PDD-NOS and has FASD, the 3 yr old Reactive Attachment Disorder, ADHD and FASD, the 18m old has Reactive Attachment and FASD. (keep in mind they are 7,6 and 5 now) Sure there are difficult days but the good currently far outweighs the bad. There was a time that I wasn't able to say that!! We are constantly kept on our toes. But today there are more smiles then there is frustration.5 1/2 short months after we were placed with our above three we received an emergency call about our (soon to be) adoptive children's biological cousins. We knew that they were in care and we were a potential adoptive placement IF it came to that. The children were 11m, 3 and 7yr old. The baby had just been attacked by the foster parents dog and they needed to removed that day. *3 yr old was bitten 3 days prior in the face by same dog* No one else would take them because the eldest 2 had RAD and the baby had over 28 stitches in her face and puncture wounds from the mornings attack. That call came at 830 am and the children were in my living room by 2:00 that afternoon. We knew little to nothing about the children but they were family. That is all that mattered. We knew that they could possibly still RU with bio's but figured that we, at minimum, could show the eldest what a real family was like. Show her that her cousins were in a good home and were being taken care of. (she parented her cousins sometimes) After 6 months the bio's were TPR'd on and their case moved to adoption. The oldest two children already had dx and were being tested for FASD but we had concerns about the baby. You see I always had the belief that if you got the children early enough you could prevent and even "reprogram" What I have learned is that my baby is the hardest child that I will ever raise. She was removed at 3m but ultimately she didn't cope well with those 3m or the next 1yr that she was in care. She carries a dx of RAD (hers is actually the under 3 name which evades my brain at the moment something like maltreatment...) and PTSD and Probable FASD. She needs no one. The child at 11m took care of herself. She is defiant and willful. She does what she wants when she wants it. She can't regulate herself. So you see babies can have just as many issues, if not more , then older children. I have learned so much about trauma in the very young. We always joke about her being lucky that she is cute. She is 3 going on 15. I am tired!From the moment I wake until the moment my head hits the pillow I bust my butt to make a home for our family. We finalized the first set 2 yrs after placement and 10 months later the last three. It seemed like the wait to finalize was forever since we were placed so quickly. We are thrilled with our semi-chaotic life. Our children are the reason we wake every morning, laugh, cry and sometimes feel the need to bang our heads against the wall. Whether my children came from my womb or from the "system" is irrelevant. As a parent all I can do is give them the encouragement to make good choices and the strength to fight their demons.The roller coaster of adoption is second to the ride of being a parent. Educate yourself. Learn to "go with the flow". Learn to advocate for your child. Learn that it is ok to not feel sunshine and happiness all the time towards your children. Be the best you can be. Most importantly learn to let go of the things you can not change.I hope that your journey, like mine, is a successful one. Only you can define the term "successful" Most would describe my journey as crazy!!!

I have adopted three kids from foster care. The oldest was 9 when she was adopted and is now 15. She was recently placed at a Residential Treatment facility, which sounds bad, but really, I am her mom and I am advocating for her and getting her the help she needs. This is better than her having no one! She has reactive attachment disorder. My youngest two, they were 7 and 5 when they were adopted. They are doing well, no RAD, some developmental delays still, but MUCH improved from when I first got them. They are repeating a grade to help them catch up. But they are pretty much as normal as you can imagine! [url=http://baggageandbug.blogspot.com]Life is Short babe and time is flying...[/url]

I have posted my story before but not recently. I am a single dad that decided to build his family thru adoption and adopted four boys at the same time aged 13, 14, 15 and 17 in 2006. I was 59 when I started the process and 60 when the adoption was finalized. The boys had lived together in an orphanage for 10 years, two are siblings and the other two were single children. They were ethnic Russians children in Estonia which has had a problematic history with Russia especially after WWII. The boys have done better than I had hoped here in the US but our family has had its challanges. As a 'mature' parent I have been able to pick and choose the issues and battles and as someone with enough resources I have been able to ignore the damages inflicted on our house, cars and furniture by growing teenagers and just braced myself with the mantra that they are just spending their inheritance early, and as long as no one is injured, things are not that bad. The boys have made an incredible adjustment considering the culture, language and home life changes they have had to process. All are making good progress toward independence and seld sufficiency and clearly appreciate their new life and opportunities here. Also, having four turned out to be a big plus as they became their own peer group during the tough adaptation process. They still speak Russian 60% of the time at home but now that they are pursuing English speaking girlfriends, the Russian is fading a little. The former bouts of frustration and anger have dimished greatly and as we approach five years as a family, I see the whole effort as very successful and rewarding.

I have much to say on this topic, but it can all be found in my blog in a more coherent form (I'm up way too late!) I blog almost daily about the joys and challenges of older chld adoption. Our daughter came to us at 9 and has been home for about a year and a half. There have definately been some HARD times, but she's healing. Her progress is amazing. She's amazing. I can't imagine having to spend a day without her. (Blog address is in my signature below.)

So I think this may be my first post here EVER! Here is our story: My husband and I began our adoption journey 4 years ago. We have 3 bio children (M-8, AX-6, AL-5) but felt the Lord urging us to continue adding to our family but not through traditional methods. Anyhow, after going through the adoption certification process with our local Children's Aid, we were certified as Foster/Adoptive parents. We began looking for a child to fit in between or our bio children, a child who did not have many behavioral issues, no FASD, etc. Our parameters were rather tight! Needless to say not ONE profile came our way during those 4 years. God had bigger and better plans for us. In September of 2010, the Lord presented us with a 12-yr-old boy who needed a home. We viewed his video, read through his profile and knew he was the one for us. Long story short....he moved in with us on March 2, 2011. This was only a story that God could have orchestrated as so many things had to fall into place for this to happen - and our God took care of all of those details. If you wanted more details on this, I would be happy to share them. Our new son R-13 is now happy to have a family and even happier at the way things have unfolded, proceeding his adoption, with the adoption of his brother as well. Our story is amazing and adjustment has happened awesome. Not without hiccups though. We are dealing with some minor behaviours, and learning boundaries, however, those are only normal. He was labelled as Developmentally Delayed and I have challenged this from the start. We are due to have him Psychologically Assessed on November 26, 2011 at which time we will be able to better place him in the school system. I beleive that if we challenge him more, he will rise to the occasion. That being said, I do not expect more from him that I think he can handle or has already proven. My husband and I have cried, laughed, shaken our heads, prayed, lamented, etc. for months as we ride this roller coaster of integration. We are moving through many seasons and we are in one right now that is toough. I am challenged each day by my Lord to practice Grace - identical to what He shares with me every day! It is hard. Bonding becomes an issue when frustration with our adopted son is so high...the last thing I want to do at the end of a challenging day, is SNUGGLE, however, I know he needs it! I hope I am not rambling too much as sometimes my hands and fingers get going faster than my brain! I will post more later:):) Cheers:banana:

We have just become lIcebsed to Foster Adopt and I'm getting cold feet. I know we could do an amazing thing for a kid by doing this but can i handle it?!? Both my husband and i work full time. We have no kids if our own. I'd like to hear more success stories, including the difficult parts. Please share (including those of you who have adult foster-adoptees - how are they doing now and what would you have done differently?).

Our situation was similar to yours. We both worked fulll time and didn't have other children. Our daughter came to us at 9. She'll be 12 in November. She bounced around foster care for 5 years before e found our way ot her as a straight adoptive process. It's been hard = lonely, exhausting, frustrating, overwhelming, but so very worth it. I write about it almost daily at [url=http://www.lastmom.com]Last Mom[/url].

I will jump on in case any one else posts.

Just posting to bump this thread to the top. Would love to hear more older child adoption stories!