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Please I need some support. My not terribly mature 24 yo daughter that is living with us, found out she was pregnant in December at 6 months along (she was still having periods and didn't realize) with a man she had a brief fling with and then broke up with last year. She then came back home to work and save money. She chose to hide the pregnancy from myself and husband, and in April she had the baby and gave her up for adoption. She told me yesterday on 6/8/11. The 30 day waiting period was over on May 20th. She said she didn't tell us because she was afraid I would get upset, and that she didn't want to worry me as I was going through a lot of stress with an ill husband and caring for an elderly father.
She said she started by wanting to keep the child then for some reason changed her mind and went with an adoption. We are devastated as I know how much she loves children and has always wanted one. We asked her why she decided to let her go - she said she was afraid she wouldn't be a good mother, and all kinds of other odd reasons for doing this that didn't make any sense at all. She said she wanted to do what was best for the baby, but took no consideration into what was best for herself.
After talking to her about if she really considered all the aspects of this, she is now very unsure about her decision. She did say no one pushed her but she also said she wished she had more time to think about it before she made the decisions. I was careful NOT to put my feelings about this onto her - but we do want her to rethink this before it is too late for her to try and reverse this if she wants to. She admits she really wanted to keep her but had so many doubts and worries. I told her over and over that we want what she wants - we just want to be sure she feels 100% that she made the right decision.
Personally, my husband and I think she should have kept her. We would have loved to have her in our lives. We would gladly have helped, and our daughter likes living with us for now. Despite her decision to not tell us, we are usually a very close and loving family. Also, knowing how much she loves children, and how many horrible decisions she has made before, I feel she MAY have made this decision for all the wrong reasons and will cause herself years of guilt and suffering. I do not want to push her, or put our grief of the loss of the child onto her, but I know my daughter very well and I am very afraid this decision will ruin her life.
She chose a nice family right up the road who said they would let her keep in touch with photos, etc. But our daughter signed away her rights before she got an agreement from them for open communication. They can of course cut her off any time.
We just told her to make sure NOW that she made the right decision. I told her that what is best for her is also best for the baby. She is of course worried the most that she would devastate the adopting parents if we tried to get the baby back, but is also now seriously feeling that she made the wrong decision. I of course worry that in trying to make sure she made this decision with a clear mind and taking her feelings into it as well - something she did not do - that I will create doubts in her unintentionally.
I just do not know what to do...I told her to think about what she really wants and we will back her 100%.
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Speaking as a first mom I am sure her comments about the baby being like a dog are distancing herself from the situation. The ache and the pain can be pretty overwhelming. Her body is still telling her there should be a baby to take care of too and just the plain old biology of it is tough to deal with.
Don't ever ever let on that you don't understand how she made the choice that she did. She did put her child first and that is what a good mom does.
My son's paternal grandparents were very disappointed that we didn't choose them to take the baby, his brother even angrier. I could have never done that. I couldn't have been that close but that far removed from the situation. Please don't be hurt that she didn't choose you, I'm sure that was her way of protecting herself.
I'm sorry you are going through this pain. You might consider seeing a grief counselor as this is a very real loss for you as well as your husband and daughter.
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I'm sorry but I cant do that. I do not understand why she did this. I do not agree that she did what was best for the baby. I think she did what was best for her and her alone. She didn't want us to have her because she didn't want to feel guilty every time she saw her. Again - this was what was best for her, not the baby. Protecting herself at the cost to the baby? I am sorry you think this way. I will not perpetuate it.
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CalDi
I'm sorry but I cant do that. I do not understand why she did this. I do not agree that she did what was best for the baby. I think she did what was best for her and her alone. She didn't want us to have her because she didn't want to feel guilty every time she saw her. Again - this was what was best for her, not the baby. Protecting herself at the cost to the baby? I am sorry you think this way. I will not perpetuate it.
I cannot imagine the loss you are feeling right now. I also cannot imagine what your daughter is going through. Is this what is best for the baby or what is best for your daughter? With adoption, I believe there is never an easy answer. It's possible it's not good for either, and it's also possible it's the best thing for both of them. Just because your daughter might feel guilty does not negate that her decision might still have been what was best for her baby. You said in your first post you want her to think about what she really wants, and you would back her 100%. I hope you mean that, because I'm sure she needs your love and support now more than ever. I also agree with other posters that a good counselor could be really helpful. Peace to all of you.
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Maybe she used a loaded choices of words, but I think I get the sentiment. She is saying she is too young or immature and would see the baby as a new toy, something she would tire of quickly, Could it be that she is wise enough to know she isn't ready to parent?
First you say she didn't take any thought for herself and you are sure she will regret it. Now you think she did what was best for her with no thought for the baby?
It sounds like you are grieving. You have lost a grandchild. You have a right to grieve. Of course, you will be sad and even angry. However, you can't over rule your grown daughter's decision. She probably can't overturn an adoption past the 30 day window.
Eventually, you may find having the baby close allows you a relationship you might not have had. You and your daughter will have a window into the child's growing up that you can use to assure yourself the child is safe and happy.
It sounds like your daughter is interested in an open adoption. The fastest way to scare the adoptive family into not having contact is to have the expectation that somehow you are going to "get the baby back."
You really need space to grieve. Vent your feelings to your spouse, friends, a counselor, whatever. Allow yourself to cry and yell. These are all understandable, and justifiable reactions.
In your interactions with your daughter, however, try and honor her decisions. It is a done deal. You can't change it. Honor her by accepting that the reasons she is giving you, basically she didn't feel emotionally mature enough to parent, might be the real reasons.
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CalDi
I think she did what was best for her and her alone.
And what is wrong with that, really? What I am hearing is that you wish she would have kept the baby so you could have helped her out. That sounds like what is best for YOU, not your daughter or the baby. It's sadly not about you. It's not your choice. It was hers.
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Thank you Blue Bonnet. Your words were kind and helpful. I am sure we will get through this somehow.
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I hope u can find a way to greive.It sounds like she made the right decision.Also many people don't want family to adopt there child,because they need family members as comfort zone,it doesn't help seeing there child,while there in there comfort zone.
CalDi
California law states that after the 30 day period she has 1 year to challenge it for any reason, and 3 years for fraud.
This is sad,makes no since.
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ScrapMonkey
And what is wrong with that, really? What I am hearing is that you wish she would have kept the baby so you could have helped her out. That sounds like what is best for YOU, not your daughter or the baby. It's sadly not about you. It's not your choice. It was hers.
I agree with this.
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I think your daughter did the right thing. If she says she's not fully confident in her abilities as a parent, then she does really feel that way, or she would not have done what she did. A mother's bond with a child is very strong and begins before the child is even born. What she did can't just be attributed to her feeling guilty around you. When you give birth to that child, things change. Guilt may be a strong enough factor for giving the child up just to hide it from someone else for a sad few, but for most women, especially one who has always loved children, no way! And then she admitted later that she didn't want to give up the baby and misses her very much. Trust me, this was a very difficult, very well thought out decision she made. Maternal instincts kick in very quickly and push and pull you to keep the child at all costs. That's just biology at work. But our logical minds will tell us differently if we know we really aren't capable of being good parents. And it takes a ton of will power to listen to reason when your motherly hormones are on high and you really want the baby. And she even took the initiative to find a wonderful loving family who could give her child the best life possible, and at the same time be willing to keep the birth mother in the picture so she is not totally cut off from her daughter. Trust me, she was thinking of what was best for her baby, not what she wanted. Not at all. She is saying she thinks having a baby would be like having a dog because she is grieving and needs to distance herself from the situation she is in. She knows she can't have the baby back to raise as her own, and honestly she shouldn't try to. Especially if she has less than total confidence in herself as a mother at this point in her life. The bright side is she was able to find a great family who could give her baby a loving home, and allow her to still interact with her child. You live close to them. You have a great chance to be a part of your grandchild's life and know she is in good hands. It won't be the same as having the child living with you in your home and being raised by your family, but it is something, and certainly a lot more than some birth families are afforded to have. I think when you have had time to grieve through this and process this you will see things in a new light. You will probably be very proud of your daughter. Not for getting pregnant and hiding it from you of course. But for thinking of what was best for her child and actually going through with it. Giving a baby up for adoption by all accounts is gutwrenchingly painful, but something girls must do when they want a better life for their baby than they can provide. I think when the smoke clears and the sun shines through, you will be able to see the bright side of this. Giving up a baby is hard, but you are lucky enough to live close to the family who adopted your grandchild and are willing to involve you in her life. Your situation may not be perfect, or great, but it's not bad either. It's really not so bad at all.
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I empathize with you over what you consider to be your loss, and I can fathom what you are feeling; and I also have some words of comfort, I hope. I am both an adopted child, and now a birth mother. As a child growing up in a family of two parents, who desperately loved me, and a brother, also adopted, I can tell you it was no different, and no more painful, and no less loving than the "regular" lives of all my friends who were related to their own parents. My mom is my mom. My dad is my dad. My mom couldn't have children, and all she'd ever wanted was a family. Babies, and kids. I'm 31, and they still tell me the best day of their lives was the day they were contacted by the adoption agency and told there was a baby waiting for them. My own birthparents were 18, and married. I , myself, am the mother of three amazing kids. This baby just isn't in the cards for me. I decided to release for adoption because I knew it would be better for everyone involved, including myself, if my baby went to a family that could provide a life of loving parents, and a stable home. I could do no such thing. I can see where the comparison of a baby to a dog is insulting and hurtful for you to have heard from your own daughter. But she is grieving, too. Whether she admits it to herself or not. Her own body will grieve. But also recognize that what she did, no matter what her motives, was soooo beautiful for the family. They now have an amazing little baby, that I'm sure they cherish and love... and are probably terrified and lose sleep over the fact that your daughter might change her mind and take their baby away. I know in speaking to my own parents about it that that was the biggest fear they had for so long. The devastation that you are feeling after the fact is nothing compared to what they would feel. It would be like a literal death for them. One day they are happy parents, the next their beloved baby is gone forever. And there's also the bonding that the baby has already done and gone through with them. To your grandbaby, THEY are mommy and daddy. That's something that would affect HER. She would be the one now hurt and confused. Perhaps, if you can't let go of the thought of it being YOUR grandbaby see if they would be willing to let you see her. As long as you don't try to push on them the "It's MY baby" thing I can't see why they wouldn't at least be willing to allow you some part of her life. I've read other posts of birthgrandparents being a large part of adopted babies lives, and it seems like it can be a beautiful thing too. Kids can't have too many grandparents. You seem like you are truly just wanting to be part of her life. I hope it's the right part of her life you want to be in.
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I am sorry your family lost a precious new family member to adoption and your grandchild lost her family of birth. It may impact your family forever and you may grieve her over and over again. Many grandparents are sad to lose their grandchildren to adoption and sometimes they try to fight the adoption. You are certainly not alone in feeling this way and it is very understandable to be grieving your lost grandchild.
I think if she will not reclaim her child, then you will have to take the time to grieve this and maybe even get counseling to help with the feelings of loss and how to handle possibly seeing your grandchild with the adoptive family.(like running into them in public) I hope the adoptive parents will be wonderful loving parents to her and hopefully you can build a relationship with them if your daughter continues to support the adoption choice. (((hugs))))
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CalDi
Please I need some support. My not terribly mature 24 yo daughter that is living with us, found out she was pregnant in December at 6 months along (she was still having periods and didn't realize) with a man she had a brief fling with and then broke up with last year. She then came back home to work and save money. She chose to hide the pregnancy from myself and husband, and in April she had the baby and gave her up for adoption. She told me yesterday on 6/8/11. The 30 day waiting period was over on May 20th. She said she didn't tell us because she was afraid I would get upset, and that she didn't want to worry me as I was going through a lot of stress with an ill husband and caring for an elderly father.
She said she started by wanting to keep the child then for some reason changed her mind and went with an adoption. We are devastated as I know how much she loves children and has always wanted one. We asked her why she decided to let her go - she said she was afraid she wouldn't be a good mother, and all kinds of other odd reasons for doing this that didn't make any sense at all. She said she wanted to do what was best for the baby, but took no consideration into what was best for herself.
After talking to her about if she really considered all the aspects of this, she is now very unsure about her decision. She did say no one pushed her but she also said she wished she had more time to think about it before she made the decisions. I was careful NOT to put my feelings about this onto her - but we do want her to rethink this before it is too late for her to try and reverse this if she wants to. She admits she really wanted to keep her but had so many doubts and worries. I told her over and over that we want what she wants - we just want to be sure she feels 100% that she made the right decision.
Personally, my husband and I think she should have kept her. We would have loved to have her in our lives. We would gladly have helped, and our daughter likes living with us for now. Despite her decision to not tell us, we are usually a very close and loving family. Also, knowing how much she loves children, and how many horrible decisions she has made before, I feel she MAY have made this decision for all the wrong reasons and will cause herself years of guilt and suffering. I do not want to push her, or put our grief of the loss of the child onto her, but I know my daughter very well and I am very afraid this decision will ruin her life.
She chose a nice family right up the road who said they would let her keep in touch with photos, etc. But our daughter signed away her rights before she got an agreement from them for open communication. They can of course cut her off any time.
We just told her to make sure NOW that she made the right decision. I told her that what is best for her is also best for the baby. She is of course worried the most that she would devastate the adopting parents if we tried to get the baby back, but is also now seriously feeling that she made the wrong decision. I of course worry that in trying to make sure she made this decision with a clear mind and taking her feelings into it as well - something she did not do - that I will create doubts in her unintentionally.
I just do not know what to do...I told her to think about what she really wants and we will back her 100%.
I have lost 3 grandchildren to adoption. The foster family is great and we were very close for almost 9 months while they were fostering the kids. When it became clear that my daughter was not going to get them back, the foster parents (i'll call them B and G) decided to adopt. B told me I would always be mawmaw and would be involved in their lives. She also told my daughter (birth mother) the same thing. We were able to call B and check on the kids and she would call us and send us pictures. When my daughter voluntarily signed her right away I was devestated. The CPS worker told me she had arranged for me to have visitation. Then all of a sudden that changed. They got an attorney for the adoption process who called my daughter to tell her no contact whatsoever, she did not call me so that night I called to check on the kids like I always do about once a week. She didn't call me back, instead had the constable call me and tell me to stop harrassing her????? I'm getting different stories from CPS, CASA and the attorney. I don't know what to think anymore. I've been seeing a counselor and he has put me om anti anziety drugs that don't help. I called CPS, CASA and the attorny to find out if and when I will ever be able to see the kids again. The attorney told me I was "taking it too hard, CASA and CPS are useless. I'm afraid I've lost my grandkids forever. This is worse than a death, I know they're alive and all I want to do is love them, see them, touch them. I no longer have any respect for any government office or official. All they do is lie....now I find out the attorny died yesterday....now what?
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Today I find out the bm actually got to see her little girl by accident. She talked with the am and was told we'd get to see the kids after august, right after school starts so I won't be able to see KeKe till next summer. How convenient is that for her? And they are changing his whole name, not just the last name. His real name is beautiful and they want to change it to G Jr. B always told me she loved his name and would never change it. Lies again. I'm about ready to kiss this world goodbye, I was gullible enough to believe in the legal system...never again will I trust ANYONE!
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[QUOTE=clowry]Today I find out the birthmom actually got to see her little girl by accident. She talked with the am and was told we'd get to see the kids after august, right after school starts so I won't be able to see KeKe till next summer. How convenient is that for her? And they are changing his whole name, not just the last name. His real name is beautiful and they want to change it to G Jr. B always told me she loved his name and would never change it. Lies again. I'm about ready to kiss this world goodbye, I was gullible enough to believe in the legal system...never again will I trust ANYONE
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I am going through this with my sister right now. I can't have kids and she is planning on giving her baby up for adoption, but will not let me adopt. It is killing me. I want to be a part of that babies life. She should not be able to make that choice for me.
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