last evening i realized my adoptive mom is a very vindictive woman and has been emotionally abusing me for a good 5 years now. i have many issues because of this, i feel there is no where to turn at times even. she has used the fact that she adopted me against me as a way to guilt me in to feeling like i must love her no matter what. the woman raised me in a way my biomom could not, she was able to provide me with a happy childhood til about age 11 when i remember things going down hill. my adoptive father is still in the picture and they are married. just i feel like there is no way to get support i need, be it just even emotional support in the form of group therapy. i really love my biomom for doing what she had to do, i don't know if i will ever seek her out as i am now ashamed at the woman i have turned out to be. i feel like i am one of the mistakes. one of the few that could have benefited from a foster care system at times, i still have pictures of my foster family. assuming they would have been the family i was with all you see is smiles, siblings even. in the end i grew up an only child that was blissfully ignorant to many things. my adoptive parents did not even plan on telling me i was adopted til one day i came home in tears because of bullying at school. i feel lost, abandoned, and just shut out by a family that biomom fought so hard to get me placed with. it makes me cry so much at night, some days.
My heart goes out to you- hang in there. I hope you find your Biological-family and find there is love out there for you. My birthdaughter was given up for adoption when our lives were in shambles and I was very sick. We thought putting her up for adoption was the best thing for her as we did not know we would be fully healed. Years passed and we are fully healed and are a close knit family. Her adoptive family lied about the open adoption and denied any information or contact very soon after the adoption. We have always kept tabs on her and her adoptive family is a mess. She is a minor and we have had contact. She wants all or nothing. Either move in with us or wait till she is 18 so she can leave her adoptive family forever. She is not emotionally strong enough to go through the trauma of us trying to appeal to them to let her at least visit. She fears their anger and due to our state laws we cannot do anything about it. She has no contact with her a-mom (verbally abusive and I fear worse since she does not have visitation) and fears angering her a-dad. He is not abusive to her- just not very involved which is not against the law. As a b-mom I can assure you that emotional abuse is not your fault and not what your Biological-mom wanted. She wanted you to have more then she could give you. My Biological-daughter is already at risk to be involved in bad things because she is barely supervised and miserable. She may not be the high achieving and loving child that her siblings are. We don't care. When she can and chooses to have a relationship with us we are there no matter what condition she presents. We love her no matter what. And there is so much guilt that we gave her to unstable people who did not give her much more then the basics. Please hang in there and see what the future holds for you.
I can relate to how you're feeling. Although my adoptive mother was not emotionally abusive, she has been emotionally manipulative for years (obviously, neither is good). My adoptive mother and I had a major blow out (I finally stood up for myself) four years ago. She wasn't interested in listening to anything that I had to say (how the situation made me feel). She was too self absorbed and more concerned with her own feelings and defending her actions. She sent me a nasty and very angry email and I must say this was a defining moment for me... I realized the relationship was unhealthy for me(for numerous reasons) and I needed to distance myself from her.... and that is exactly what I did! Have there been repercussions to this decision, yes, there has. I haven't spoken to my adoptive father in nearly four years. I am not as close to my siblings (their biological children) as I once was (partly for different reasons). My birth mother is deceased and I have no relationship with my birth father. Thankfully, I do have my husband and his extended family members. I do not regret this decision. This is a choice I needed to make for me! I feel better about myself in general then at any other point in my life and I am 41 years old. Oddly enough, I almost feel like a completely different person. Don't get me wrong, I love my adoptive family but I need to love them from afar (does this make sense?). Subsequently, the past few months, my adoptive mother and I have been communicating via email and discussing specific issues quite openly (much to my surprise). I think this much needed space has allowed not only myself, but for her as well, to gain more perspective of our overall relationship (from my childhood to adulthood). I'm taking the relationship slowly in the hope of developing a new and healthy relationship based on mutual respect, better communication, sensitivity, and personal boundaries. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone!! Feel free to email me if you'd like. ~ Denise
one of my issues with my adoptive mother is that, i really cannot sugar coat this, she is a little mentally unstable. i mean for the past month all i have heard is how she plans to go away and off herself, this is a regular thing for her to do when she feels no one is paying attention to her. she sees a psych doctor and i do not get involved in her care as i feel that is my fathers duty. plus due to her actions i started seeing a psych doctor for anxiety and she went out of her way to send messages to my doctor saying i was abusing drugs and alcohol. luckily my doctor asked me about this and my jaw dropping to the floor gave her the answer. yes when i was 21 i went and drank heavy (i am going to be 26 in 2 months) but after like 4 months of that i was done. as for drug abuse i have no idea where that came from, i have to take so many prescribed meds that the idea of taking more for fun is beyond me. little bit of background on me. i have arthritis and have had it from age 5, was not diagnosed til about age 9. i also have spinal stenosis of the lumbar region. my immune system is majorly compromised due to a biological med i take so i am normally sick a good 3 months out of the year, one year i was so sick that i had to have my tonsils removed in an emergency setting. that then gave way to complications and oy... baby food does not taste good at all and it took me 5 months to get back on to regular food. i work as a babysitter oddly for a social worker who has seen what my mom does and she can't understand it. this is a woman that used to work in the chicago dcfs. this woman will keep me after i am done sitting to just see how i am doing in general because she just cares enough to want to make sure i am doing okay. she even remembers when i have interviews haha. back on topic though, i did not realize that others would have gone through this. i thought at first i was just going to be ranting and kinda whining. i mean i was happy when i found these forums but now i am glad i posted. denise i think i will take you up on that emailing as i want to avoid having a total fall out though it may be what has to happen here, too. sunshiny i always wondered the point of view of a b-mom, but it just isn't something you can easily get without being intrusive. i still wonder about what my biomom could be like... silly me i even bothered to figure out about when i was conceived and all that just to try and see how her life would have been. thanks for your post, good luck with your daughter.
I hear ya. It wasn't something I wanted to do, it was something I had to do. I could no longer allow her to manipulate me. It was having a negative impact on my life. I think she realizes this now. ~ Denise