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Your older, post-institutionalized child. Particularly, a child who was placed in an orphanage/institution shortly after birth and not adopted until 3+. We're in process for a 5 year old who was placed into a large EE orphanage at birth. He has identified special needs, so we're prepared for that. I'm just wondering how kids from such a deprived background do in the long run (on average, I know that every child's personality is different). Is attachment even possible in this situation?
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Can only speak from my experience, my child spent 8 years institutionalised , the move to the older orphanage caused alot of trauma, from a nice place to a not so nice one. Also was placed back with birth family at some point prior to going on the register and this has caused many issues. Try to find out as much as possible on your sons history, ask as many questions now as possible and get the agency to confirm in writing. If you have not visited make sure you see your son interact with other children from the orphanage. Check the date the initial report on their mental and physically health was written. We are dealing with severe attachement issues so be prepared for the worse and hope for the best. I think 5 years of age will not give you the same problems as a 11year old but i am no expert on that. Also your son would not have suffered the trauma of the move to the older orphanage.
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I also have been reading about things being different when children move from the baby house to the older child orphanage. Anyone out there have feedback about that? My husband and I have made a decision to adopt a child before he hits that milestone. Anyone have any insight about attachment differences with various ages? (IE 1+, 2+ 3+ etc....)
Good luck with your adoption! Sounds like you are getting close:)) Must be an exciting time for you and your family.
Since attachment problems arise from the very early years, we are definitely expecting "issues." He has had relative stability and hasn't been neglected (food, medical care, etc) in the physical sense of the word. But, an institution is an institution. On paper, we should probably be running the other way, but for some reason this kid just feels like ours. Just looking for hope that it might not be the wrong decision, I guess.
The problem with attachement is the older the child gets the harder it can be for them to attach. They can be opposed to change and also extremely defiant and opposed to advice. They have built up barriers to protect themselves and the control they used in the institution is not healthy in a family environment. It takes time and LOTS of patience , they need to learn to trust you . Really this applies to all children , just takes longer the older they get. I am sure once you visit your son you will feel better, it is normal to feel apprehension , it is the most important decision you make in your life. Do not be shy to ask as many questions as you can on this first visit. It can be such an emotional time during that visit be sure you write down anything you want to ask prior to going. I adopted an 11 year old and she has PTSD, ADHD, she just needs a different kind of parenting and we keep faith. Personally I think 5 is a good age and areas of the brain that are undeveloped through lack of stimulation are repairable. You feelings are normal. Enjoy this time, i know of many families who adopt from a special needs list and their children adjust well, often they only have a medical condition and sometimes that is exaggerated to get them on the list (not always but sometimes). My daughter was a healthy refferal and has huge issues.