I am a bmom with a semi-open adoption. We had first names only & exchanged letters through the agency. That's the extent of openess.
My question is if, after a period of time, did either you or the aparents drift and stop communicating? What effect did that have on the adopted child and a later reunion?
We never stopped communicating, but sometimes I would not get updates every year. It would be more like every other year, if the family was busy or didn't get around to sending anything. Keep in mind, we didn't have a formal agreement, and our situation was rather unusual, as my son's parents were only required to send a 6 month picture, and anything after was at their discretion.
I wrote my son a letter at placement, explaining why I decided on adoption, and although I would request updates, I didn't send another letter to the parents until he was around 8. I just didn't know what to say or how to say it, and there was really no support or guidance in those days. Plus it's just a very hard thing to do. I wasn't sure they really wanted to hear from me at all. Over time, I wrote more and got more comfortable with it, but it was never really easy.
When my son was an adult, the contact shifted from the parents to my son, with the agency still as intermediary. My son was not communicating with me, so I didn't send anything for something like two years. I just thought he didn't want to hear from me, but finally, I sent a letter and that opened up things to where he gave me have his identifying information. So in that respect, not communicating for awhile seemed to prompt him to be more open. From that point, we had a VERY slow road to reunion. He expressed he wanted contact, but then would not follow through. We finally started communicating via email in spring of last year, and met spring of this year. We now talk or email every few weeks and I think we are building a solid foundation.
He told me the communication over the years was just right. When I look back, I wish I would have communicated more, and have felt guilty about this, but my son assures me that he felt he received enough communication and he was fine with the amount of contact. So I just trust his word on that now and try not to feel bad for taking so long to write and not sending more updates.
