I guess this is really the place I should start posting. I'm the aunt to a beautiful baby girl who I thought I was going to adopt. I met her and feel in love with her when my sister who is also an addict decided to place with another couple she apparently had lined up all along. Its a long story. But basically my sister is an addict and was likely (more than likely) getting a large amount of money for placing with the through the agency. Anyhow. Now I miss this baby and still think it would have been best if she had been adopted by us. I wounder if she will always look in the mirror and wonder who she looks like and wonder her heritage (as I have read other adopties post). It is an open adoption, but my sister is really dishonest so I doubt she will tell the a family very much and I'm no longer in contact w my sister (my choice). Anyway how do you move past not knowing a part of your family due to adoption. I think adoption is wonderful but I just wish I know how she was, I'm sure she is fine but this has been hard on me, to let go. I'm a real family person.
Godschild, Perhaps through this you were meant to learn the flip side of adoption - the loss aspect. Not the same but after my son passed away I tried to find the lesson I could take out of if. My lesson was to understand what my mother went through her entire life after she surrendered me. It was a powerful wakeup call that has never left me. Kind regards,Dickons
Thanks for your reply Dickens. I agree, I was supposed to learn something. I know the main thing I learned is never trust my sister and I will be very reluctant to ever "put myself out their" again for anyone (besides those I really trust). And ALWAYS put my immediate (husband and children) first. As far as loss, yeah I definitely learned that. It does not make me feel sorry for my sister though. If anything I feel really badly for those that have gone through failed adoptions (and have to go through so much to adopt). I know that baby A would of had a wonderful life with us but I'm glad I don't have to put up with my sister, now that I know her true nature. I know their are some wonderful first mothers out there, unfortunately my sister was not one of them. kind regards :)
Godschild, Helping others is not something anyone should stop doing but you do need to put your family first in all areas. Right now the pain you are feeling is in the raw stage but it will find its place. Thank you for taking the post the way I intended it. Kind regards,Dickons
Godschild, I'm so sorry for you. I can understand choosing to not place with family, but there is no justification for lying about it and not being honest about your intentions. Have you thought about approaching the agency she did place with and providing your contact information? If she has as many issues as you say, it may be possible she flakes on having an open adoption but that the adoptive parents would still want to be able to contact birth family members. I personally would never try to get contact information for the family directly but I think making that information available in case they are interested could be a really good thing.
Yes. I did contact the agency and gave my information. I don't know if it will get to the family though, the worker was not very nice at all, so I don't know what to think at this point. But, I think I have to let go for my own emotional health. I have been in counseling and that has helped but I feel a void. I really appreciate this site as it has given me a lot of perspective. I agree too. I understand her "not wanting to place with family" after reading things on here, but when I suggested her placing with another couple (as I said in another thread) because C said it would be difficult for baby A to be called my daughter, C reconfirmed that she wanted to place with us. I know now all of this was wrapped up in addict behavior. She said she did not tell anyone she was on methadone because she did not "think it was a big deal" and if the baby had not been hospitalized she would of never told me. It was matter of me needing to know for medical reasons. I would of needed to relay that to her pediatrician. I know she drank heavily for the first 3 months, I wonder though what else she did not tell anyone because she "did not think it was a big deal". Maybe nothing, but I don't think there is much I can trust of what was said. I only know now that I have to protect myself and my family from all of that toxicity. I feel like, in way, God used this situation to get me away from it, and to show me that I need to stay away from that portion of my family- abusive mother, addicted siblings, aunt, uncles, etc.Anyway thanks for responding. I have got a lot of support on this sight and it has gone a long way in my healing process. Just today I was thinking about how my better I am feeling :) .
Have you thought about approaching the agency she did place with and providing your contact information? .