Question for Adoptees

Why wouldn't the agency be sued for negligence? Omitting info that important shouldn't be taken likely by them. How would a responsible female not know the name of the person she chose to sleep with? In cases of rape, yeah, she wouldn't necessarily know the rapist/monster's name.

Here is a thought too on birthfathers. If the agency does not list the name, there is a good chance that the father wasn't contacted to ask if was giving up his parental rights. It would take time and cost the agency money if they had to track down every father out there. O I hav also heard that in some counties, the agency had to contact the extended family of the mother to give them a right to refusal of sort. This was suppose to be done face to face. It was seldom done at all.

Many answers to this question but I'm actually not angry at my bmom at all for my being adopted as I know back then she didn't have a choice, she was single and already had another very small child from someone else, social services gave her no choice and I know that to be true as my amom always told me that. What I do feel some anger about is she would not tell me who my father is and said he didn't know about me, I feel I have a right to know who he is. That totally crushed me. My bmom was so unkind and cruel to me, all I wanted was to know who my bfamily is and what they looked like, to see what they look like was a huge factor. No need to be so cruel, an adoptee needs answers and they should get them, I was very concerned about her feelings but she couldn't care less about mine.

Tankeryanker, back during the BSE, fathers did not have any rights. (I'm not sure when fathers were given rights in these cases, but they had no rights back then.)My father did not have a say. His preference was to keep me.

To my understanding, if the state seals the child's records, the agency can't release that info, though undoubtedly some agencies had it.I think the state should be sued if they had that info but wouldn't include it in their records so that it would be there someday when the records were open. However, as L4R said, the fathers had no rights and I recall reading that it was in some times and places really common to leave the father's name off birth certificates of children of women who weren't married. There may have been some legal problem with including it, however... such as if the state feared that someone might lie about who the father was.She also might not know if she slept with more than one guy when she got pregnant, or if she was drunk or drugged (if she isn't sober enough to consent then it's also rape), or if she knew him by a nickname and not his real name. Some women get drugged at parties and don't know they've been raped until they find out they are pregnant.

Feb, It's also possible that a woman might say she doesn't know who the father is if she is terrified of him. Motives of self-preservation are something to consider.

Oh, I heard that the east coast is the bastard dumping ground for the Mafia. So I suppose that there are some women that sleep with dangerous men and then "run for the hills" to protect their child when the excitement becomes too much and they are pregnant.

I think birth mothers get the brunt of our anger because they were the mothers. They were the ones who carried us, nourished us, gave birth to us and than gave us away because we were unwanted. An unwanted child given away because that child is inconvenient. A barrier to higher education. They 'couldn't look after us properly' or they 'loved us so much they wanted us to have better lives' or whatever reasons we are told. It all boils down to that decision to give us up. In my eyes, it was my birth Mothers responsibility. It is her signature on the paperwork. Her decision. She got pregnant, she was irresponsible and ignorant. She was not a helpless teenager. She could have looked after me if she really wanted to. There are no excuses. That's why she gets all my anger. Bio dad had nothing to do with it, she ran away and gave me up like I was a troublesome encumberence and nothing more. And a few months later she did the same thing to my sister. She sacrificed us for her. So she could 'have a life.' Being adopted for me was like being a shattered, badly taped together doll with no idea how the pieces fit together and left to figure things out by myself. Did not fit in my own family. Had no one to talk to. No friends. No sense of self identity or worth. Anger. Anger at the woman who orchestrated my entire existence. That's an insight into the mind of a teenaged adoptee. I was a very, very wild and angry one. Feelings just aren't rational. And I wasn't taught to examine or understand mine, I had to learn that for myself. For many years I was angry with no real knowledge of why. I just was. So very angry. All the time. And incredibly self destructive. Your question is a loaded one for sure, I hope you find some insight here and don't take the things said personally. My experience is definitely not meant to hurt anyone else.

Absolutely. It WAS the birth "mother" (loosing defining the word mother) who chose to get pregnant (in most cases). It was the birth "mother" who again chose to stay pregnant, then she AGAIN alone chose to give the baby up. It's fully possible to raise a baby as a single teen after you choose to get pregnant. People have done so for centuries. Yes, it's rough. Yes, it likely involves poverty and giving up education. Personal choices, personal responsibility. It's still possible to raise a baby as a single teen instead of giving the baby up, no matter how "great a life" you feel that the baby will have if you give the baby away. Loving a baby is not giving a baby away, after you CHOSE to get pregnant, after you CHOSE to keep the pregnancy, then after you CHOSE to give the baby away. Giving a baby away is perhaps "well-intentioned," but that's not true love. True love is sacrificing everything to keep the baby and raise them to the best of your ability, no matter if you're 18 or 28, poor or rich, high school drop out or a Ph.D.

It's still the right of any baby to know their biological roots, both birth "mother" and birth "father." If he has hurt her, she needs to call 911 on him. And also in proper time, tell the baby she had with him who their birth "father" was, and what kind of horrible violent person he was.

But she IS rejecting you. She chose to get pregnant (in most cases), then chose to keep the baby, then chose to give the baby away. That makes 3 choices, 3 times she rejected keeping you. Then again she chooses to reject you because she refuses any form of contact with you as an adult. I'm not saying she should agree to be your BFF as an adult. Far from it. But after 18 years have passed, she should have found a way to cope with her pain so she doesn't-- yet again-- reject the baby she chose to have. One interaction is sufficient, if nothing else to tell the baby she chose to have of the basic circumstances surrounding the birth (unwed young teen, didn't want kids, whatever) and of any medical history. She's an adult and after 18 years after having a baby, she should have found a way to at least tell the baby that she chose to have that much.

I definitely agree with you on that. However, I also have a lot of empathy for women who have been terribly hurt by men. Society does not provide enough protections for some of them to feel safe.

I get angry mostly at the system of adoption and the institutions that support it. I've been in partial reunion for the past few years and the more I learn about myself and start to parse out which issues of mine are "about" adoption and which aren't, the angrier I get at some of the stupid things my parents -- all of them -- were told by the system. Like that adoption was a thing that happened when I was too young to remember, so all they had to do was make sure it wasn't a surprise and I'd be just fine. I thought I was certifiably insane for most of my adolescence and fought like a cornered cat to keep that a secret so I didn't get locked up. I am adopted Every Single Day, not that one day nearly 40 years ago. Or the whole "your birth mom loved you so much she gave you up" nonsense. That is a horrible and awful lesson that I'm still fighting to unlearn. So, seriously, maybe the counselors didn't know any better then. But when I see the same BS on aParent boards today, or hear any of the "you should be grateful you weren't aborted" idiocy from "the adoption community," I see that we haven't changed a thing about adoption, and the kids living through adoption today are going to suffer, maybe in silence, maybe not, the same way that I did? THAT makes me angry. Mostly, for the people in my family, I feel sad. I feel sad that my aMom hasn't dealt with her infertility, that she is so personally wounded by my feelings which are not about her. I feel sad that my first mother never had other kids, and that we live so far apart that we're getting to know each other very slowly. I feel sad that my bio-father has let someone else control his life to the point that, while I've gotten the basic info (medical and family histories) from that side, it wasn't from him and we've never contacted one another directly. I am sometimes angry at my aDad for dying when I wasn't yet an adult, but that's more being angry at the universe. I also get angry at myself when I get knocked down by yet another tidal wave of emotions I thought I had worked through or was done with, but therapy is great for helping me see how unproductive being angry at myself is.

I think it's because your relationship with your biological mother had already started in utero. I realized this the most when my son was born. My son screamed unless, I held him for the first 3 months. Not dad, not grandma, not family friend, me. How else did this baby know that I was mom, and I was the one that he wanted, not these others. It is because your baby already has a relationship with you. A deep relationship and bond that has been necessary for humans survival for thousands of years. So when that bond that the baby so craves, is broken, the baby experiences a trauma. This doesnt happen with the other family members.

Imagine growing up in a family that you don't feel a part of. No one bonds with you, you don't bond with them. You are essentially for all purposes completely, utterly alone. And if you tell your parents how you are feeling, and are unable to articulate properly due to your young age, they think there is something mentally wrong with you. You are diagnosed, put on medication against your will, and excluded from the family for whatever reason. Your adoptive parents may deny it - but any child will know when they aren't wanted. Especially in a family with multiple adopted/biological siblings. It becomes an attention grab, a favorite child grab. Look in the adoptive parents section of this forum - a woman recently posted how she wants to dissolve the adoption because its 'too hard' for her and her biological kids, not to mention too hard on her marriage. While I do feel for the woman, I feel more for the kids who have been adopted and cast away. This is every adopted childs secret fear. This blatant favouritism is just.......a killer to an adopted child. Its like you just do not belong to that family, they have a great kid(s) already so why would they want a troublemaking attention seeker like you, and no one understands, you yourself don't understand, and the doctor/therapy gurus want to prescribe pills to you so bad you can feel it. Its always the adoptees fault they don't fit in and assimilate 'properly'. I rarely revealed my true self, the times I did I was rejected and punished. I learned that wearing a mask was a better way to gain my parents affections. Acting like the person they wanted me to be. And when I reached puberty - I acted out with no real idea why I was acting out. So much anger!! So much pain. If I had been allowed to have a photograph, letter, something from my bio family. I think it would have helped. Ever look into a mirror and see a person you don't recognize? Look at your own children and not recognize your features? Its hard. Its hard for everyone. Hard for the adoptive parents who usually just want to love you and help you become a succesful, happy adult, and hard for the adoptees who are expected to always, always be grateful for their adopted family no matter what. God help you if you have an attachment disorder or something more serious. Especially if your well meaning parents have already stocked up on 'normal' kids. Every adoptee is different, every story is unique. One thing I know - I don't feel a part of my adoptive or my birth family. I have barriers up against both families. I don't feel I belong in either one. And I wish.... I WISH attatchment disorders for adopted children had been something the 'professionals' considered before diagnosing me with ADHD and prescribing me tons of useless pills and sleeping aids. Attatchment disorders are often only treatable in childhood. If they are not treated or misdiagnosed the adoptee must live with a lifetime of irrepairable loneliness. Intimacy problems, personal strength, no way to meaningfully connect to potential friends, pride, ego, self esteem all these things and more are affected. So.... My birth mother bears the brunt of my anger. She and only she is responsible for signing me over to strangers. I will have to live with a damaged psyche for the rest of my life because of her decisions. She could have left, could have lived both our lives differently. But she 'loved me enough to give me up' which means her love = my adbandonment. She essentially gave me up so that she could have a life unhindered by offspring. No matter how mamy times i hear she loved me sooooo much she gave me away, I still think she was selfish. She exchanged my life for her own. Cant graduate and go to college with a youngster in tow, right? The fact that she moved on and had other kids makes me feel....awful. Still trying to unlearn this lesson. Not wanting to speak for anyone but myself, so I apologize if my blunt words offend you. The fact your on here researching, asking and putting your heart on the line for answers tells me you are a good person with a big heart. Your children are lucky.