Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

no advice just ((((HUGS)))) as an adoptee I have those feelings towards my birth family, and its hard to just live with them. This week is rough for me bc of my bday but the best advice i've been given is to mourn and grieve and its okay to feel that way

Likewise, I unfortunately have no advice. I'm the adoptee in this case as opposed to a birth parent. An observation though is that your feelings and emotions are very similar to those of an adoptee...the emptiness, the imagining of different scenarios, the waiting...all of these I understand. In my case, the scenarios included everything from the stereotypical reunion that you see on TV (lots of hugs, tears, and healing) to the opposite extreme of the only reunion with my birth parents being graveside. Ugh... I will add, though, that IMHO your b-daughter is very lucky to have a father like you. One who is interested in her well being and meeting her one day. Congratulations on that, sir! As a birth father, maybe you could offer me some perspective on my case with my b-father one of these days! :D Best, PADJ

Padj, If there is ever any insight i can offer you from the bfathers POV, I would be glad to help you and offer my insight. thanks for the support...

I, too, am a birth father. It's (I guess) a semi-open, in that I have regular contact with the A parents, but not my child. He is more than 20 yrs old now. The A parents keep my informed, but tell me that he's not interested in finding me just yet. I, too, spent an awful lot of time in the first years. My situation was different, in that I knew from day 1, and was there. I helped choose the A parents. But the separation was real, and the wondering began. 10 times a day, then once a day, then 3 times a week, etc. I would think: Where is he? What does he look like? How grown up is he? After about 3 or 4 years, it became once a month. Of course, at times, I thought long and hard - his birthday, his finishing elementary school... I'm guessing that it would be different for you in a few important ways - you didn't know until 15 years later. You have 15 years of wondering to catch up on. But also, you might be 15 years closer to meeting your child. The rational argument that "it will be 20 years before I can meet him" helped tamp down all those feelings for a bunch of years. It's not so much of a help if "it will be 3 years..." Advice? Acknowledge the feelings. Write a journal each day, or make videos, if you don't like writing. But then PUT IT DOWN. You cannot allow the wondering to take over your life. You must not cease to live in YOUR moment. Spend time with your A child (in your mind), but spend at least as much with your present children. There will be time later to acquaint yourself with your A child. You will never get another "today" with the children in your life now. It will get better, in that it will become bearable. You will find that your heart IS big enough for all the children. But you can't fill that empty spot for a few years. Yes it's there, and it hurts, but it can't take over the rest. Just remember that your heart has to grow that much bigger, to make room for a love of your A child. One more thing - The mantra that keeps me going - "I do it for him/her." The love required to stay away, and let your child grow in her own life, is enormous. But you can do it. Do it for him/her.

Why not? Why would you withold yourself and the answers you have for her? I From my point of view, how can you not act on these feelings out of respect for her? Don't you think the effort would mean more to her and her life than silence? What do you think silence is telling her? What would it say to you if one of the people responsible for creating you and bringing you into the world never tried to connect with you? Do you have contact information for her parents? Why not contact them? Let them know that you are grateful she has them as parents, that you didn't know, previously, about her existence, and that, if they think it would be beneficial, you'd like to be available to have a relationship with her during her teen years. If not, then of course you will wait until she is an adult to contact her. Give them your contact information so that they can follow up any time they'd like to or she can when she's older. I'd also try to find out what agency or attorney was involved in the adoption and leave your contact information there, as well, as that might be the first place she tries when she becomes an adult. Also with the usual ISO registries. Be prepared to answer a lot of questions to establish that you are the birth father, who you are now, your background and current circumstances, etc. While that is "nunya" in most areas of life, if you have children, I think you can appreciate the caution parents would have when a strange man appears asking to spend time with their daughter. IMO, it is really unacceptable for an expectant mother to not tell the father. I also strongly disapprove of laws that enable these shenanigans to go on and adoptive placements and finalizations to go through when everybody knows she knows darn well who the father is--or at least the possibilties--unless she's enormously promiscuous or a prostitute. I am not so concerned with what is fair to the adults as I am that children's rights are trampled and their identities and heritage thrown away by their mothers when this happens. I am saying all of this as a mother who has adopted a child out of foster care. That child has a (supervised) open relationship with her birthfather. He is my BIL, and I personally don't and never have liked him, but we welcome him as possible for her sake. Good luck. I hope it turns out well for both of you.

Hadley, I have really struggled with that, and reaching out to her directly, but I keep thinking to my self, that this is a 17 year old girl, she knows she is adopted, and she has been adopted since she was a few weeks/days old (as what was told to me by the b mom) so she has stability there. I can respect that stability she has, also I am sure as a 17year old girl, she has her share of issues in life that she is going thru, boys, graduation, justin beiber....whatever. Out of the love for my daughter, i do not want to add ant more drama to her life, that can be added now. So i will put her first, and sit to the side. I reached out to the Aparents, and they did reply, they advised me that she never asked about me, and they have assured me that IF she ever asks about he birth father, they will give her my contact information. They also requested that I make no effort to contact her, no fascebook, no email..no nothing. I will respect them, and not do that. BUT when she turns 18, i will reach out to her directly, and what i am going to do is send a letter, and try to explain to her, everything i can. I also started a journal for her this year. When i think of her, or when i have thoughts of her, I share them I want her to know that I have been thinking of her, and I do love her as much as I love my own sons, even though I haven ever met her, and didnt know of her till last year (my wife just can not fanthom how that can be) But i will send that to her, and if she is interested in making contact, hopefully she will, If she chooses not to, I will sit back and know I reached out toher, and will be receptive if she ever does... But it was very hard, at first....to learn to live with this and not do nothing, but i have gotten a peace with the plan I have set for the future,

Hi,It is very brave of you to be so open about your feelings; I hope she will reach out to you one day, and I do think she will. How old is she then?

Maribel, This has been a challenge with me and my feelings. I found out about her in March 2010, and my father passed in April 2010. So i found myself mourning for the loss of both. Last year, was the year from hell for me. What made dealing with my daughter so much of a challenge was the fact that she was alive, and could not reach to her. It took a lot to manage my feelings through this. I had no reference about how to manage and accept, and deal with the feelings. Then in March of this year I discovered this website, and have been able to read the forums. There are people i can relate to to see the Birth parents point of view, there have been adoptees's points of view i have seen. So this website has been a pivotal source of me managing and handling these feelings. I really tried to address this with my wife, but she has had limited support. I think she feels threatened due to the fact that another woman has given me something that I have always wanted (referring to a daughter) Even if this was a relationship i had a few years before i met my wife. But my daughter will turn 18 this year, and i am figuring out how to address this situation when that takes place.

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