Adoption regrets?

when Bubba and Flowergirl became part of our family 2 years ago, i was 48 and ToolMan was 50. the kids were 4 and 6. i am where you are. we have 3 adult kids in their 20s. we have a teenager--nearly 16. we have 2 littles. i'll be 63 when my baby graduates. we, too, had thought we were finished and were only fostering. surprise! here's how we decided: could we see our lives without the kids in it? the answer was no, we could not. we wanted to be their parents. we did think long and hard--we were almost to the "finish line!" but we just couldn't quite wrap our brains or hearts around them going somewhere else. so we chose to adopt. regrets? not yet. i'm the oldest 1st grade mom--that has to count for something! i can't run and play for a million hours straight any more. i have to seriously think about climbing the trees, and let's not talk about jumping out of the swing, but i can still do all of the really good stuff like cuddling, understanding, reading stories and chasing monsters from under beds. no, i won't get to retire sooner or have ToolMan all to myself right away, but that's alright by me--i'm going to be 63 anyway. right now? i can see me doing it again. but i'm not you. just be honest with yourself about what you want. if you want her to stay, then adopt. if you think otherwise, let her go with your blessing. it's not heartless--it's honest. whatever you decide, i wish you joy and peace in the decision. good luck!

This is a very difficult place to be. I will share out current experience just for your consideration. Our STBAKs have been with their FPs for 27 months. The FPs are slightly older than you, but like you, age isn't really the issue...DH and I are both 42, but we are in an earlier stage of parenting, where they are in a much later phase. They are both retired from careers and run a small farm as their retirement strategy. They are looking forward to this last phase of their lives. I really and truly admire them for making the decision to support an adoptive placement - There is no doubt they would be good parents to these kids, but they also knew they were conflicted to the point where they could possibly develop resentment down the road. In the end the were ready to embrace retirement and grandparenthood fully. They were involved in the review of family assessments and we will keep them in the kids lives as grandparents. Either way, the decision is yours and I think you are wise to consider not just how you feel today but also the long term implications and impact. Good luck!

I won't advice you, either way, I'll just tell you my experience. I had my "first" family when I was very young. When they were grown I didn't feel as if I was "done" with being a mom so I began fostering when I was 49 yrs. My first placements were a brother/sister ages 2-1/2 yrs and 12 months. Two years later I adopted them :arrow: ---I was 51 yrs old!! So now I am raising my "second" family, this time as a single mom, and I am still fostering 8 yrs later. I had a 5 yr old foster daughter that I adored. She had been a behavior problem in previous homes but she fit in perfectly with my crew and I didn't have any problems with her at all. She had an infant sister that was living in a separate foster home and when they both were available for adoption I decided that I would LOVE to adopt her but felt I was too old to also adopt her baby sister. Two years later she is in her 2nd adoptive home :confused: and there is a possibility that this one will be disrupting, also. My regret is that I didn't adopt her when I had the chance. There is still a good chance that she will be coming back to me, if her present adoption disrupts, but I'm sure that she has experienced trauma in the 2 yrs that she has been gone since both adoptive mothers couldn't stand her. I realize now that they adopted her just so that they could adopt her infant sister and she was just extra baggage :( to them.

Cathy, That must break your heart. I can't imagine the pain. I hope she does come back to you and hopefully you can start the healing process for her.

Have you considered getting respite for the weekend and seeing how you feel? It might help you sort out your true feelings. You may love having time for yourself or you may miss her so much you can't wait to go pick her up. I did a week of respite for a family that was unsure about adopting their placement. In this case it helped them decide not to adopt and he was moved to a placement that was a much better match. He is excelling and they are still maintaining contact with him a year later. When I recently had to use respite for my very difficult 3yo, I thought it would turn out to be a nice break. Instead I couldn't wait for him to be back home. I was worried about him and missed him so much. So obviously we are thrilled that his parents decided to relinquish their rights. He is going to be an exhausting child to raise but we feel so lucky that we will get to have him in our family! Good luck with your decision!

Wow that really is heartbreaking. I hope they decide soon if they intend on moving her and she comes to you asap to start her healing. Have you had any contact with her since she left? I did have a previous foster child a few years ago that for various reasons we chose not to adopt. He was a really good kid and had made a lot of progress with us. He got adopted by a wonderful family, but he didn't adapt well at all. He became completely withdrawn and could not attach to this family. He had been in a few foster homes before mine, and it seemed that this last move from my home completely broke him. 6 years later his adoptive mom tells me that he still isn't doing very well. He has severe attachment issues, no friends, no bond to her or her husband. It really breaks my heart. I always wonder what he would have been like if we had decided to adopt him. He was such a happy kid, and very attached. I guess kids can only bend so much before they break. This keeps going through my mind when I think of letting my fd move on. My husband admits that he thinks we should adopt her for her best interest, not really because he can't live without her. Although he does love her. I am more on the side of I can't live without her, as well as adopting for her best interest.

How did your kids transition into your home? Was it very difficult for them since they were with the fp's for so long? 27 months is such a long time!! How old are your kids? Thanks.

I think that happens more often than we think. I understand that to be the case with Chubbs' siblings too. They didn't want the older 3, just the baby, but had to take all of them. And these 3 are older kids, so they aren't stupid. There are enough adoptive homes out there to place children with families that want them all, but this was the foster family. I am hopeful that if I get to keep the boy that I'll find out the details on the other kids too.