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A couple thoughts.
First, I think you could adopt and love doing so. I know a couple older than y'all (considerably so) with a younger child who is still trying for more kiddos.
And though you may mourn the life you could have had, you'll also love the new life. Really, if everyone thinks "what if" either way. No different for you.
One thought, if you had gotten her five years ago, she would have been a baby. And you could have adopted her then. And now have a five year old now :)
HOWEVER, before I sound like I'm all for you doing this, I completely agree with you NOT adopting also. Fact is, you've given this child something wonderful. That will follow her through her life. And she'll get an awesome home with a family who will love her dearly and will help her continue to progress.
And you might even get to be able to follow her progress, just as her former foster parents rather than her mom and dad.
Even though you love her, I don't think that the right *reason* for adopting is "how could you not considering the circumstances." It is NOT heartless and it isn't in her best interest to do it "because it's in her best interest." JMO.
Of course, I can't possibly help you make your decision. It sounds really really rough! I think it can work out beautifully regardless. We also have gone back and forth on trying to decide whether we're looking for forever children or simply trying to help.