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Wondering if any of you have the same issue here... I adopted my grandsons earlier this year and one has begun calling me mom while the other (older one) continues calling me grandma. It is a little awkward when we are out and others hear this, I get some strange looks and sometimes feel the need to explain. I didn't ask either boy to call me mom, the youngest just decided he wanted to. The therapist said it should just be whatever we feel comfortable with and I think he just feels more "normal" saying mom.
That being said, I am still allowing both boys to have visits with the bio-parents, supervised by me, and the youngest calls us both mom, which results in both of us saying "yes?" at the same time. He seems to take it all in stride, pointing out which of us he is talking to. I have not bothered discussing it with bio-mom so I don't know what she thinks nor do I care.
willow2018
Wondering if any of you have the same issue here... I adopted my grandsons earlier this year and one has begun calling me mom while the other (older one) continues calling me grandma. It is a little awkward when we are out and others hear this, I get some strange looks and sometimes feel the need to explain. I didn't ask either boy to call me mom, the youngest just decided he wanted to. The therapist said it should just be whatever we feel comfortable with and I think he just feels more "normal" saying mom.
That being said, I am still allowing both boys to have visits with the bio-parents, supervised by me, and the youngest calls us both mom, which results in both of us saying "yes?" at the same time. He seems to take it all in stride, pointing out which of us he is talking to. I have not bothered discussing it with bio-mom so I don't know what she thinks nor do I care.
Listen to the therapist. Do not worry about the strange looks and don't feel the need to explain to strangers. Life is a puzzle.
My grandson calls me "Mimi" and his mother "Mom" but when he is alone with his friends or meeting someone new, he tells them that I am his mom. (Which, legally, I am.)
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Blithely ignore any funny looks. :cool: You all know who you are to each other.
As to both being 'mom' and both answering, it's only at the visits that it comes up, right? While it can be awkward your Ds doesn't have any problems knowing to whom he's referring, so try not to sweat that too much, either.
My Dh called his bio mom "Mom" only when we were with her, face-to-face (or on the phone, etc.). All other times he referred to her by her first name. When he took me to see her for the first time, he said, "Don't get confused. I call Jane "Mom" when I'm with her." Kids (even grown up kids) know exactly who is who and it's only us grownups who get confused and fuss over the names. :p
My Mom (B) raised my Neice... in my Neice's heart (B) is her Mom too. She does still refer to her as Nana but it wouldn't bother me if she called her Mom. Like others say I don't think it really matters as long as u are all comfortable w/ the terms used.
My brother (1 yr older than me) has always called me Mom. He was born w/ brain damage and has multiple handicaps ( deaf, CP, and MR). While I might have been 1 yr younger I did everything first and was his motivation to learn when he'd see me do it. When he called Mom, I would respond as well to see if I could help. He just turned 50 and still calls me Mom sometimes. ( I don't notice but my DD(6) does). She even ask me one day why he did that!?LOL!:p I explained and she has been totally ok w/ it since. She loves her Uncle T.
Guess I'm numb to the funny looks!
This has been a hot topic around our house lately too. We have adopted our grandson (age 2). While bmom may eventually get visits, our son has not seen her since mid Aug. that being said, our son has named papap "dada" for awhile now, and "dada" has stuck ever since. Me, on the other hand, I never get called "grandma" anymore but by my first name more than 1/2 of the time, and "mama" the rest of the time! I do run a daycare and our son hears the other children call me by my first name. I do not want him calling me by my first name throoughout life and i prefer "mama". Not sure how to encourage "mama" or discourage "Linda", or even if i should. I do know though that my son still views or bmom as "mom" as he recently found a photo of her and said "mom". That is ok with me too. Sometimes i worry that he might relate "mom" to be unstable or untrusted since he no longer gets to visit with her and maybe that is why he calls me "linda" sometimes.
I was adopted my my grandmother when I was two. As someone who has actually lived through the situation, not a therapist, i STRONGLY recommend you encourage him NOT to call you mom, especially is he is still going to have contact with his biomom. People, his peers, will already treat him differently because he does not live with his parents, calling you mom will only make it worse. There will come a time when people will ask questions.. my mom is really my grandma is a difficult family dynamic to explain for a child growing up. Eventually he might be confused about how he feels, resentful, embarrassed..I'm not sure if those are even the right words, its difficult to explain how I felt about it, how I still feel about it, and its still frustrating to have to explain my family to people or having to say mom vs biomom when referring to one or the other. My husband even gets confused. All i know is things would have been infinitely easier for me if i could have just called everyone what they were..mom grandma, dad, grandad, aunt, brother ect. none of this mom/grandma, sister/aunt mom/biomom stuff.
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Dh calls his birth parents by their first names, so I guess that kind of set the precedent in our family. Our kids call their birth parents by their first names. They call their FM's by the nick-names that the Fm's chose for themselves. All the kids call us Mom and Dad.
I was adopted my my grandmother when I was two. As someone who has actually lived through the situation, not a therapist, i STRONGLY recommend you encourage him NOT to call you mom, especially is he is still going to have contact with his biomom. People, his peers, will already treat him differently because he does not live with his parents, calling you mom will only make it worse. There will come a time when people will ask questions.. my mom is really my grandma is a difficult family dynamic to explain for a child growing up. Eventually he might be confused about how he feels, resentful, embarrassed..I'm not sure if those are even the right words, its difficult to explain how I felt about it, how I still feel about it, and its still frustrating to have to explain my family to people or having to say mom vs biomom when referring to one or the other. My husband even gets confused. All i know is things would have been infinitely easier for me if i could have just called everyone what they were..mom grandma, dad, grandad, aunt, brother ect. none of this mom/grandma, sister/aunt mom/biomom stuff.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. I’m the biomom. I got into drugs after I had my daughter but I’m clean now and will have 9 years clean in a few days. My parents adopted my daughter when she was 2. Since then, my parents have called themselves her mom and dad. My daughter is now 12 and they are still encouraging this. She also refers my brothers and sister = her brothers and sister - as well as my cousins = her cousins. My daughter calls me “her real mom” or by my name. I can see the confusion in her eyes at times and it kills me. As grandparents, you might think you’re giving your grandchild or grandchildren security, and though it’s not your intention… what you’re doing is the complete opposite. My daughter will never know what’s it’s like to have grandparents because that was taken away from her. Friends ask her questions and she struggles to find the words to explain. Please listen to the testimonies of grandchildren who have actually lived through this and not some therapist or other grandparent who has no idea what the true outcome will be in years to come…
Last update on February 4, 12:29 am by Kristen Sands.