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We have decided to disrupt our foster placement (4 yr old twins) we had them for almost 3 mo. when they left us for a trial placement with their mom in a therapeutic setting, that didn't work and 11 days later they came back, now 2 months later I know that this is not going to work, they are lovely and beautiful and sweet, but they are also very, very abusive to me and others and have so many emotional issues, the goal is RU with mom and to have mom share custody with bio dad (so now they are seeing both of them during the week) as each visit gets longer.. the twins behavior worsens, they have been violent towards me as well as my children. One moment they are these sweet little dolls and in less than a second they are hitting me in my face. My husband has taken a job that has him gone 4 days of the week.. so I'm home with six kids and I'm pretty much burnt out! The guilt I'm having over disrupting has made me sick this week, knowing that I needed to do it and actually doing it. I tried to do it on Monday and the social worker talked me out of it, well, yesterday I finally stood up for myself and said "no more" and now they are treating me like crap and the kids are leaving today.. I never said they needed to move them that fast, but I guess its for the best. My heart is breaking, but deep down, I know that for my own kids and my marriage.. they need to go. At the same time, I'm so scared that now that I've disrupted I'll never get the chance to foster again, that social services will think I'm unreliable and always find a different family.. please keep me in your prayers... I just want this day over:(
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MomGoingCrazy
We have had to disrupt before and it comes down to what is best for your family. You did the right thing. Our phone rang pretty soon after we disrupted and now our home is full again.
Hugs!!
oh, thank you so much, that makes me feel much more hopeful!
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We have gotten every single child we've had because someone else disrupted. In fact, the agency EXPECTED me to need to disrupt on the first kid. I was just keeping him as long as I could so he didn't have to spend as much time in the psych hospital before RU (expected in 6 weeks but it was like 11). I kept him til RU even though we were the third placement in 5 months.
Anyway, all this to say that the three homes have had placements since. There was a little judgment of the one due to circumstances, but.... The one home was encouraged to take other placements, but at the time I took the children, planned on closing their home.
I don't think you have anything to worry about.
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I disrupted a placement and was asked, the same day, to take another placement. I, too, was scared that I wouldn't be called again but they continued to call me. You have to do what's right for your family.
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I also have gotten calls after I had to disrupt. I've gotta ask though. With dh being gone so much, is now the time to be fostering? Maybe you could just do one instead of two.
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MomGoingCrazy
We have had to disrupt before and it comes down to what is best for your family. You did the right thing. Our phone rang pretty soon after we disrupted and now our home is full again.
Hugs!!
the agency we are with is completely about the foster kids as it should be. if you disrupt for any reason other than the kids putting you in severe damage, they will black ball you and not give you more placements...
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I think you have a legitimate reason to disrupt and your agency should respect that. I have disrupted a placement and although the agency told me I should have asked for more help they understood and I got a placement three weeks later. On the other hand I had a friend that my agency dropped when she disrupted 2 placements...one right after the other. Her excuses were more emotional and they pulled her license. Your reasons are well founded...good luck and let us know how it goes. K
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I think you are totally justified in asking them to move these children.
We asked for a toddler to be moved back in May of this year. She was out of our age range, we said yes b/c it was midnight, and then we realized that we had our age range for a reason!! They moved her, and 2 weeks later, we got another baby.
I was also scared that they would not call us again, but they did. They will call you, too. Don't worry!!
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We took a little guy a few weeks ago from a previous foster home. Can I just say that sometimes it's just not a match, and what is problematic for you, may end up a huge positive for the next foster parent? :-). Don't feel guilty -- it's okay. This little guy was overstimulated around lots of children -- and is LOVING being here (and we LOVE having him).
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Thank you all so very much for your kind words and advice. Now that we have had two days without our foster children, I know that this is the right thing, I was becoming physically sick with the stress. I know that if we are called again, it must be in the age range we requested and it can only be one child at a time, if that means we don't get calls for some time, I guess that is what it means. I did everything I could for these children, I know that and I can live with that. If we do this again, I won't disrupt and if I do, then I know I'm not cut out to foster at all.
I'm so very thankful for these boards, where I live, I have nobody to go to with this, there is simply no support for foster parents.
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soldoutforjesus
the agency we are with is completely about the foster kids as it should be. if you disrupt for any reason other than the kids putting you in severe damage, they will black ball you and not give you more placements...
It isn't in the "best interests" a of a child to be placed in a home that doesn't meet *that* child's need. Social worker's aren't clairvoyants that magicially know exactly what a child needs based on a two line referral. Not every family is right for every child and not every child is right for every family.
Both agencies and foster parents need to put aside egos when it comes to needs of the child.
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ladyjubilee
It isn't in the "best interests" a of a child to be placed in a home that doesn't meet *that* child's need. Social worker's aren't clairvoyants that magicially know exactly what a child needs based on a two line referral. Not every family is right for every child and not every child is right for every family.
Both agencies and foster parents need to put aside egos when it comes to needs of the child.
it certainly isn't in the best interest of the child to be disrupted. we've been told if you have an y doubt at all, say no. better to say no than disrupt later.
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soldoutforjesus
it certainly isn't in the best interest of the child to be disrupted. we've been told if you have an y doubt at all, say no. better to say no than disrupt later.
So how can you NOT have doubts when you've never met the children and don't know if you are equipped to handle their needs?
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Yes it should be about the kids as well as about the family that takes them. I think this "policy" is wrong.
Our family has to hold some value in the situation too. Most folks dont disrupt for the fun of it.
I dont think I have knowledge of any disruptions on our BB that were not for good reasons in the eyes of the family who had to disrupt.
What may be reason for one is not for another. We are struggling right now with a current FS. Older than we wanted, way more issues than we wanted but it's not about those things. We are probably disrupting after the next court (we can hold on with safety plans in place until then I hope) Is my reason enough for your agency, or the next agency or our county? I dont know but the reason we will disrupt is enough for our family.
This just hits me today, it makes me mad to think anyone will be punished because they cannot handle the issues of a certain foster child. SO SO sad!
soldoutforjesus
the agency we are with is completely about the foster kids as it should be. if you disrupt for any reason other than the kids putting you in severe damage, they will black ball you and not give you more placements...
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soldoutforjesus
it certainly isn't in the best interest of the child to be disrupted. we've been told if you have an y doubt at all, say no. better to say no than disrupt later.
Of course it is better to decline a placement than to disrupt one later but there are circumstances where disruption is necessary for the foster family, the child or both. It is difficult decision and one that should not be made lately. That being said, sometimes it has to be done.
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soldoutforjesus
the agency we are with is completely about the foster kids as it should be. if you disrupt for any reason other than the kids putting you in severe damage, they will black ball you and not give you more placements...
That is not an agency I would EVER work with.
What if my bio child got sick and I couldn't care for my bio child and my foster child...what if I got sick. What if it wasn't a good fit and the child was very unhappy? There are many many reasons that people need to disrupt. An agency shouldn't black ball just because you disrupt or say no to a placement.
Not all situations can be "matched"...with foster care I've actually yet to see them "match" a child with a family, other than not making placements with families that they know the child will not do well with (IE, our FD has a brother in foster care who perpetrates SA on basically anything that moves...he probably wouldn't be a good fit with 2 babies & 2 kids his age). When you call a family and ask them to take a placement they are taking a leap of faith. Sometimes that pays off, sometimes it doesn't...but a family should not be penalized for admitting that behaviors are too much or they can't continue to put their bio kids in a situation that is making them miserable.
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