Hi Tonya,
I am an adoptee (42 years) and feel like you...my AMother was also extremely critical and affection was rare. I began playing the violin when I was four years old and was eventually concert mistress in high school, went to All-State 3 years, and earned a musuc college scholarship. It seemed like no matter what I did, it was never good enough. I tried to have a relationship with AMom my entire life and told her how much I really wanted to be close with her. She told me she could not "be that for me". I know it was at least partly because her Mom could be very cruel to her. I learned about some embarrasing and hurtful situations she experience with her Mom - not that that is an excuse. It really makes me question why she wanted to adopt a baby girl if she could not feel and act lovingly, though...Anyway, I have an ABrother who is their natural child, and she and ADad are very close with him (live 6 miles from he and his family), so I do wonder if it is the Son vs. Daughter thing or Natural child vs. Adoptive child thing. As mentioned, it is probably a personality difference, which is often different between Aparents and adoptees. I think it is harder to have a strained relationship with an AMom because you do not have the similar looks, personality, etc. drawing you back. Just want you to know there are others in similar situations. Warmly, Kris
WOW that's crazy....sounds just like my mom. I was the classic overachiever too (still am), and get
the same response from my mother. I'd like to be her friend and have a closer relationship now that I'm an adult (I'm almost 30 with three children of my own), but it doesn't look like it will ever happen. She's also expressed that it won't ever "be that way".
The thing that super, duper hurts me is that a few weeks ago, I saw a young, pretty, conservatively dressed woman post on my mom's wall, "I got the job...thanks for all your help!" and it was a HUGE slap in the face. So.....all I have to do is dress like Martha Stewart and NOT be myself for the REST of my life for you to "love" me? Accept me? Have a relationship with me?
Forgive me if I think that's bull. Mothers, adoptive or biological, should be able to accept their adult daughters and at least have a civil relationship. And that they especially shouldn't desperately seek other young women who they *wish* their daughter was like to form relationships with.
My mother hasn't spoken to me in over a year. She disapproves of my tattoos, my work with the AIDS community and the gay community, my lifestyle (being divorced and remarried), my choices in raising my children (not as militant-strict as she was)...basically, everything about me is a huge disappointment to HER. To me, I'm proud of myself. I'm a military veteran, I am currently the youngest member of a nonprofit Board of Directors, I have a good position with a respected AIDS agency in our area, my husband and I are raising three smart, insightful, talented children....I love my life and I love the contribution I make to the world. Would I like to have her approval and her involvement in my life? Sure! But not at the price of my dignity....I am no longer going begging for her attention (per my therapist). I am no longer changing my persona or who I am to please a woman who is never going to be pleased with me, regardless. I am no longer chaining myself to her standards of "success" but rather accepting my own and achieving the high standards I set for MYSELF.
It sure does hurt, however, to not have a family.....closed adoption, so no biological family that I can connect with, my bio brother was adopted with me and he and I communicate, but my adoptive parents just don't give me the time of day. It sucks.