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I am new to this forum and have decided to reach out with my story in hope of support and advice.
My birth daughter found my a little over a year ago. She was able to locate me, with the help of her birth mother, by my facebook page. We began emailing each other, and met a few weeks later. When she came to visit she stayed with her birth mother.
When we were emailing and talking on the phone, before the visit, we made plans to spend some personal time together. When she got here all those plans changed. She did not want to visit my house. She seemed withdrawn, and angrey towards me. I believe that much of her visit was filtered throught the eyes of her birth mother.
Her birth mother and I were never in a relationship. We just hooked up a couple of times, and she would constantly push me towards a relationship. I didn't want that and stayed away. Six months later we saw each other at a party and had one more night together that ended up in a pregnancy. The birth mother went to California and had an open adoption.
I believe that the birth mother has told my birth daughter that we were in a realtionship and that I bailed because she was from the, "wrong side of the tracks". Truth is I never knew anything about her family's socio economic status.
After the visit I tried to continue to contact my birth daughter. She would not write back until a few months later, when she wrote to tell me she wanted no more contact with me. My heart was crushed. My wife and I are not able to have children, so this was the closest thing I would ever know of being a parent. Let me say, I know I am not her parent.
All of this happened a year ago. I have respected my birth daughters request and have not contacted her. Many people I talk with about this, my wife included, say I should continue to honor her request. Some tell me she is testing me, and that I should write her, even if she doesn't respond. I understand both points of view.
All I want is to hopefully one day get to know this young lady. Should I write, to show my continued interest in her and her life? Or should I honor her request and hope that one day she will decide to contact me again?
Please help me figure this out. I think of her everyday. My heart is broken. I don't know what to do.
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I would say every few months a quick note to say thinking of you, making no requests, or nothing that would resemble pressure. Definitely acknowledge a birthday. Sometimes adoptees just need space and they come around. If she comes back and says knock it off, then I would. (I'm an adoptee, BTW)So sorry you are going through this.
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My heart really goes out to you, I understand your position as the birthfather, I would do two things, start to journal your feelings, when you think of your daughter, journal it, write it down, and just put those feeling thoughts to paper, One day you may have a chance to share those thought and feelings. I am sure she is confused with a lot of thoughts, feelings, a lot of uncertainity. One she will mature, and be able to uderstand her feelings and realize them. At that point I feel she will reach out to you. When she does i would suggest at that time give her the journal. She will look and see, for all that time she was not a part of your life, she will see that to you, she was a part your life.
You may find it hard, at first but I will tell you frome personal expierience. I have never journaled or kept anything like this before. But when i decided to do this, to one day share with my birthdaughter, I very rarely miss a day that I do not put something in the journal.
The second I suggest is give her the space she is asking, and like suggested maybe send her a card every 6 months or so, to let her know you are thinking of her. But just be patient for her.
Hope this helps...and i really wish you the best of luck with this
How old is your daughter? If she is still on the younger side (i.e. teenager or young adult), she may still need time and may have a different perspective as she matures.
The visit with her birthmom could have really overwhelmed her so much that she couldn't follow through with meeting you at the same time. She may not even know why she is feeling what she is feeling. Reunions are very, very intense and a lot of emotions come up that are unexpected and difficult. Do you know for a fact she was told you wanted nothing to do with her mom because she was from the wrong side of the tracks? Has your daughter expressed this is why she doesn't want to reconnect with you, or did she say something else?
I would maybe write her, as others have suggested, a few times a year, maybe once every 3-4 months or so. I might say to her that you do wish to honor her wishes, but also wanted her to know you were thinking of her and it is OK if she does not feel like replying. For a long time, I had just a one-sided relationship with my son where I sent updates through an intermediary (this was before I had his identifying info). It's not that he didn't want to know me, he was just not ready. But the fact that he accepted my updates meant a lot to me. I never pressured him, but did let him know that I would be happy to hear from him whenever he felt like communicating, and if not, that was OK, too. We are in reunion now and met face to face back in April.
It wouldn't hurt to try to reach out again. I don't think I'd get into what her birthmom said or any of that unless she brings it up, but just keep it light and more casual, let her know your door will always be open when or if she ever wants to know you, but if she doesn't, you will not hold this against her.
I am a little confused, though, about her birthmother. I mean, if her birthmom facilitated your daughter finding you, why would she then turn around and bad-mouth you? Are you maybe able to talk to your daughter's birthmom and see if she can give you any insight as to your daughter's change of heart?
Thank you for your replies. I like the idea of a journal, and will be starting one very soon. Her birthday is in December and I think I will send her a birthday card. She will be turning 21 and still has some maturing to do. I think one of the reasons the birthmother helped facilitate the reunion was for her own curiosity as well. I get the feeling that her motivations are more about hurting me and making her situation look as though she was wronged. Hopefully, one day, my daughter will try to understand my side of the story. Only time will tell.
Hi,
This is my first reply, I am a fresh member.
Please try again to get through to your daughter by telling her how you feel the way you told us.
That you wish she would hear your side, without asking her to take a side, just accept that you care and that she is very special to you.
That she is the only child you have.
I am sure whatever her reasons are, she will absolutely love to read or hear those words.
I believe yes her mother's influence is the reason why she cut you off. Because of how it went: she started out being open and free, then turned away from you because of her mom's presence.
She will love to hear or write her that you care for her, think of her, love her, how special she is.
Sincerely,
Karen
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