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i feel for you. i am 51 and never fit in with my adopted family either. was always the outcast, the black sheep of the family. every holiday when the family got togather, they always pointed out that i was the adopted one. i recently found my real family but becouse i feel inferior to every one growing up im having alot of trouble feeling good enough to be part of my real family now. never ending struggle
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Dear MKR,
I will turn sixty in December and relate to all that you have said. I've introduced myself in several posts today as it finally hit home that at my ripe old age I have yet to sort this out. Sure, I have come to maintain a cordial, but distant relationship with my A-father, mother and sister (also adopted, but not a blood relative as she gleefully announced to our friends in our school years). In early years (I left home at 16 to learn how to live functionally at the advice of my therapist who called our family extremely dysfunctional) I went about finishing my education, made awful mistakes in relationships until I went back and addressed that in therapy) and, to my A-family's relief, visited for short periods and tried to be polite and cheerful. This worked, with some glitches, until I gave birth to my beautiful, clever and adored first child. (Bear with me here, as we lost my oldest son two weeks before his 22nd birthday, and we will never recover from that shattering loss).
When my son was born, I thought that I had never experienced love such as that connection before he came into my world. I had saved a good percentage of my salary so that I could take a few years off to be with him. I really had to restrain myself; I wanted to give him the world!
And then it really HIT me my parents had never felt this way about me-not even close! All my life they had been "frugal", extremely withholding, though they were quite rich. I heard the word "necessary" as in "this is not necessary", "that is not necessary" until I could not bear it. I was unable to talk to my parents very much due to the immense pain I felt upon realizing that they had never loved me as I loved my child(Ren). (A wonderful younger son came along 2 years later and though both children had medical problems, they were my miracles). Fortunately (for me, if not for my sons) my A-parents were no more interested in being grandparents than they had been parents, so didn't notice my wthdrawel.
To be fair, I think that my father came to love me and my sister, but he had to contend with my mother's extremely busy social life and her desire to move from one home to another constantly. One day I visited home and asked my mother out to lunch. I asked her about her own childhood. Did she have things? Was she treated well? She went on about the furs and cars and jewelry given to her by her parents. I asked her how this all made her feel. She replied that she had been loved and cherished and had a "define" childhood. I then asked her why she chose to give me and my sister only that which was necessary-and asked how she would have felt if her rich parents defined her life by giving only necessities? She said that she had not wanted to spoil us. I told her that if we had been poor or even in a monetary situation in which we all had to pare down to the bone, I might have understood it. (In our nuclear family due to illnesses and many crisis points, we have never been even comfortable, so I surely know that when a family must pull together, it is different) She thought a while, then said, "I guess I would have felt unloved if my childhood was like yours". Silly me, I thought that I had made real progress that day.
For a time, when she came to visit, she brought "gifts" (re-gifted to me what hostess gifts she received that she disliked). When I turned fifty, she called from the Florida house to ask what I wanted to do to celebrate the day. I said (feeling truly excited that she had asked) that I would like to celebrate with a small gathering of family and close friends. Her response? Well, WE cannot make it any time near your birthday, but I will send a check..........
I said something pleasant and "thanks, but no thanks" and got off the phone to go sob. I spent that birthday quietly at home with kids and husband.
I could go on (and have for far too long!), but in the last years I have created my own "family". Is it the same? No....I feel like I was abandoned twice....but now I seek only my own approval. It was hard to be so different that my parents could not bond. I am fair, blonde-the whole adopted family is dark haired and it is clear that I and my sister look nothing like them. In my case, my parents would not have had children but for seeing them as a required accessory. They are in their late 80's and Dad will be 90 this year. I can hardly expect change. But, I can be good to myself and to my nuclear family and attempt to be cordial and compassionate so that I feel as though I've done MY best.
However much your story resembles mine, I would pray that you won't spend the amount of time that I did wishing for a different relationship that will never happen. Consider what would make you happy or comfortable that is also possible. And cherish your loved ones as life is only on loan to all of us.
With warm regards and a hug,
LLAWEN
P.S. if you check my profile, you will see we have a few things in common.
michellekr
I am frustrated, I am 50 years old and feel like I have been trying to please my parents and my family (sibs) for 50 years.
I am not like them at all. I am creative, love animals...etc.
My adoptive family are all anal professionals, planners to a fault and very judgemental...How do I break this cycle it is interfereing with my adulthood.
MKR
Dear MKR,
I will turn sixty in December and relate to all that you have said. I've introduced myself in several posts today as it finally hit home that at my ripe old age I have yet to sort this out. Sure, I have come to maintain a cordial, but distant relationship with my A-father, mother and sister (also adopted, but not a blood relative as she gleefully announced to our friends in our school years). In early years (I left home at 16 to learn how to live functionally at the advice of my therapist who called our family extremely dysfunctional) I went about finishing my education, made awful mistakes in relationships until I went back and addressed that in therapy) and, to my A-family's relief, visited for short periods and tried to be polite and cheerful. This worked, with some glitches, until I gave birth to my beautiful, clever and adored first child. (Bear with me here, as we lost my oldest son two weeks before his 22nd birthday, and we will never recover from that shattering loss).
When my son was born, I thought that I had never experienced love such as that connection before he came into my world. I had saved a good percentage of my salary so that I could take a few years off to be with him. I really had to restrain myself; I wanted to give him the world!
And then it really HIT me my parents had never felt this way about me-not even close! All my life they had been "frugal", extremely withholding, though they were quite rich. I heard the word "necessary" as in "this is not necessary", "that is not necessary" until I could not bear it. I was unable to talk to my parents very much due to the immense pain I felt upon realizing that they had never loved me as I loved my child(Ren). (A wonderful younger son came along 2 years later and though both children had medical problems, they were my miracles). Fortunately (for me, if not for my sons) my A-parents were no more interested in being grandparents than they had been parents, so didn't notice my wthdrawel.
To be fair, I think that my father came to love me and my sister, but he had to contend with my mother's extremely busy social life and her desire to move from one home to another constantly. One day I visited home and asked my mother out to lunch. I asked her about her own childhood. Did she have things? Was she treated well? She went on about the furs and cars and jewelry given to her by her parents. I asked her how this all made her feel. She replied that she had been loved and cherished and had a "define" childhood. I then asked her why she chose to give me and my sister only that which was necessary-and asked how she would have felt if her rich parents defined her life by giving only necessities? She said that she had not wanted to spoil us. I told her that if we had been poor or even in a monetary situation in which we all had to pare down to the bone, I might have understood it. (In our nuclear family due to illnesses and many crisis points, we have never been even comfortable, so I surely know that when a family must pull together, it is different) She thought a while, then said, "I guess I would have felt unloved if my childhood was like yours". Silly me, I thought that I had made real progress that day.
For a time, when she came to visit, she brought "gifts" (re-gifted to me what hostess gifts she received that she disliked). When I turned fifty, she called from the Florida house to ask what I wanted to do to celebrate the day. I said (feeling truly excited that she had asked) that I would like to celebrate with a small gathering of family and close friends. Her response? Well, WE cannot make it any time near your birthday, but I will send a check..........
I said something pleasant and "thanks, but no thanks" and got off the phone to go sob. I spent that birthday quietly at home with kids and husband.
I could go on (and have for far too long!), but in the last years I have created my own "family". Is it the same? No....I feel like I was abandoned twice....but now I seek only my own approval. It was hard to be so different that my parents could not bond. I am fair, blonde-the whole adopted family is dark haired and it is clear that I and my sister look nothing like them. In my case, my parents would not have had children but for seeing them as a required accessory. They are in their late 80's and Dad will be 90 this year. I can hardly expect change. But, I can be good to myself and to my nuclear family and attempt to be cordial and compassionate so that I feel as though I've done MY best.
However much your story resembles mine, I would pray that you won't spend the amount of time that I did wishing for a different relationship that will never happen. Consider what would make you happy or comfortable that is also possible. And cherish your loved ones as life is only on loan to all of us.
With warm regards and a hug,
LLAWEN
P.S. if you check my profile, you will see we have a few things in common.
michellekr
I am frustrated, I am 50 years old and feel like I have been trying to please my parents and my family (sibs) for 50 years.
I am not like them at all. I am creative, love animals...etc.
My adoptive family are all anal professionals, planners to a fault and very judgemental...How do I break this cycle it is interfereing with my adulthood.
MKR