My child doesn't want anything to do with me.

agree. I apologize if my words were harsh. Nobody knows your situation better than the individuals involved. All I can offer is comments from my point of view , the adoptee, to maybe help you understand what goes on in some adopted peoples heads. Nothing more nothing less.

Get over it and face reality it's the only way to deal with it...head on! Know your role in this whole mess and stop playing victim. You were young and in the world alone without SUPPORT.. The only out you had was adoption...you took it. Stop kicking yourself for it. The only thing left to do is stand down and let GOD. One last thing, it's all right to cry, you have been done wrong too.

Regardless of whether we are coming at this issue from the adoptee's perspective or from the b-parent's point of view, I think it's important to remember that in either case we are dealing with decades worth of pent up feeling and emotion, and all the side effects and associated issues that those can create. This would be a much easier road to travel and a much less used website if there was simply an internal switch to throw. It's not as simple as just "being a big person" and getting on with it. My .02...

Excellent point. We are all here because we have unresolved issues and sometimes we get caught up in projecting our own pain. It's tough to know when that happens. I am feeling my way through it all just like everyone else. Sometimes after the initial reaction to some event I change my mind about things. Listening to the points of view of other people going through the process helps me. There is far too much misunderstanding in life so I don't want to increase pain merely share a perspective. I believe there was no harm intended but perceptions are as unique as snowflakes. What will send one person in to a tailspin is just another day for someone else. Depending on where we are in the process; words sometimes cut to the bone. I don't want to eviscerate anyone who is willing to discuss their perspective. I believe that we are our own worst enemies when it comes to hashing this stuff over. Having said all that; it's useful for people to be forthright and honest otherwise posting comments would not be as helpful. Intensity of feeling is inherent in all aspects of adoption. I don't post when I am on some areas because my gut reaction is anger. I know enough to tread lightly. Because this section in my mind is geared to the perspective of adult adoptees I believe their is an unspoken agreement that there maybe comments here that would upset those who are not in the same boat. Vice versa of course. I hesitate to post in areas where I know I have a presupposed perspective that's judgmental. I learned my lesson posting about abortion. Sensitive topic that I feel strongly about. I have a responsibility because I am aware of the hurt words can cause so I chose to let that thread go.

MM, My post wasn't directed at you nor at anyone else in particular. I posted on this thread way back in the beginning and then didn't check back on it until fairly recently. I have to say that what I perceived to be the tone and message of several of the posts ticked me off, and I wasn't even the thread's original poster. Taking everything at face value (because what else can you do on a blog site?) I didn't think it was a good resolution that Birthmother1 ended up feeling like use of this thread and site was more trouble than it was worth. And the thought occurred that some of the other posts may have contributed to that in some way. You raise an excellent point: that if we can't post openly about what we really feel about a topic then why bother posting at all? Just seemed to me that in a few cases some wordsmithing might have helped. I know, that's my perception. But at the end of the day it isn't the speaker's message that's critical...it's what the listener perceived from the message. Again, my .02...

That sucks,very unfair. U did what u felt u had to do,U shouldn't punish your self because her Amom kept the truth from her.Sadly some day,she will find out she was lied to,then she going to turn her back on the people,that lied to her.She's young she may try looking for u,again.No.It's not your fault they lied to your daughter,to get her to shut up about u.U did the best thing a bio parent could do.U gave her parents that could take go care of here.And info so she could find u,if she needed to.The parents are the one who,broke her trust,even though she doesn't know it. DAY BY DAY< BLEEDING HEART

I really wish the situation was different and I don't know how things can evolve if there is an influence so strong that negates that possibility. I know my adopted mother did everything she could think of to try to persuade me not to look for my birthparents. Despite all of this I found them. But I was 40 and had been out of the house for a long time. I hope with time you have the opportunity to get to know your daughter. She will always be that no matter what. Take care and Pad I didn't feel you were singling me out at all; so no offense taken.

I don't walk on eggs when I speak my mind...or bow down to others who feel I typed or talked the wrong words. The truth is birthmother played a role in her dismay and until she realize it she will never be able to move on.. If her pain is that great she need not be on a message board...as you can see, she can't cope. I've noticed on the board there are sensitive people who can't handle simple words without getting bent out of shape. It is a tough pill to give up your child and later regret it...to meet your mother for the 1st time and without warning she disappears for the 2nd time....a child being kicked around the foster system. We all have a story to tell but some of us learn from it and not live with it. The words in the room didn't break birthmother, she came to this forum already broken. When I typed, I didn't type from a place of pain, guilt or pity because it's not WHO I AM. Sometimes the best solution is to let it go but that's faith in knowing the issue can be worked out without personal involvement. It works like a charm for me all the time.

To me being "broken" means there is an opening for change. Maybe it's false hope. I don't know. I do know I can't "fix" things for people but I can leave markers along the way to tell people to avoid certain areas or to at least contribute to Global warming via hot air. Kind of like a steam vent. When you are percolating it's not a bad thing to let some hot air flourish out the spout. Like a tea kettle maybe. I like having the opportunity to read and write. It keeps me in touch with the part of me that's always questioning the ways of the world.

Is it really appropriate for people to be making summary judgments of the emotional well-being or health of a forum member, whether she be a birth mother or adoptee, who comes here for emotional support and advice?

Her pain is great because the adopted mom lied to her daughter,the daughter wants nothing to with because of that.The adopted mom should be ashamed of her self.How are u guy not getting this?How would u feel,if u found out someone was lying to your child.I wouldn't be happy,if I found out someones been lying to my kids for years and trying to get them to hate me more,that's just wrong.

I think it would be wise if you were a bit more supportive in your words. We all need different things so perhaps you don't realize how strong your words can come across. A few points...

Crick, Thank you. Agree 100%.

[FONT=Arial]No one is asking you to, but you can be kinder with your words. Support can be honest without giving them the "Kick them while they are down" vibe, which some of your posts seem to carry[/FONT][FONT=Arial].Ӕ[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I dont know anyone on this board from a hole in the wall. You want be to be kinder which is understandable however learning from real experiences being kind doesnҒt work for people stuck in a funk. While others on this board take the sweet approach, I take the direct. Can you please show me in my post where I am kicking? I gave birthmother advice without the sweetness cuz life aint always about the sweetness. If you read back birthmother threatened to leave the room before I entered. Didya get that? My words weren't the words to break her down but you zoomed in on my words. Why is that?[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]ғIn the same turn, someone could say in regards to your posts "I've noticed there are rude people who sometimes need to know when not to post or simply learn the lesson of "if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all."[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]It happened before. The person accusing me never pointed out in my post where I was rude. Instead, s/he writes behind the wall accusing me for being rude then flipped it by saying something rude to me I could have sliced him in two but I chose to take the high road knowing he speaks from a place of pain and defeat. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]œThat's great....for YOU. Please realize for others that may not be the case and it's not your place to tell them where to "type from".[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Now Im being accused of telling folks where to ғtype from please show me where? You misunderstood. Another poster came in ticked off because s/he didnԒt like the tone of the room. When I responded to birthmother it didnt come from a bad place it may not be boxed and wrapped up with a rose on top (like the rest of you) but it wasnҒt from a bad place. That's my word.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I never once attacked anyone on this board about their choice of words. I cant say the same.. I am constantly being told what to type how to say it and if I donҒt have anything nice to say, dont say it.. Get real! I give real talk to posters not kindness or rudeness cuz on the real tip not one person on this board can truly help you so why not give the real. The kindness seems so fake.[/FONT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]ғTo me being "broken" means there is an opening for change. Maybe it's false hope. I don't know.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]YouԒre right. Take a vase and throw it up against a wall it will break into small pieces. It can be put back together but it will never be the same. ThatŒs the change. With human beings we have to come face to face with our demons on top of the role we played in our dismay to begin the change. [/FONT][/FONT]

"I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S ALL MY FAULT" Oh no, you are not at fault, not in the least. You had zero choice back then, so please don't condemn yourself. I hope you have been able to let this go for a while. And please, don't feel undue pressure to tell your other children until you are firmly convinced that you and they are ready and mature enough to handle it. Your anguish is palpable. I hope you've been able to find a measure of peace since your posts.