My child doesn't want anything to do with me.
To all adoptees, please help me to understand. I am angry, hurt, and depressed. My child doesn't want anything to do with me. It was an open adoption and the birth mother stopped including me. I accepted that figuring she didn't want to confuse her. Now I realize it was something totally different. My child was fed a pack of lies about me. How do I know? The letter she wrote me was intentionally very hurtful and painful. That was in 02/2010. The facts were twisted and untrue. It's as if the adoptive mom painted me to be an uncaring, compulsive lying monster. I don't know what to do.

I have three other children and this is affecting me terribly. I keep it to myself. I think it's making me ill. I think about her daily. I have been writing her non-stop for over two years now. I received just the one negative reply. I have tears in my eyes now. I have attended counseling for this. It did very little good. I need to accept things and move on. If she really wanted a relationship of any kind with me, she wouldn't let what someone has told her about me stop her. She was open to the idea. Then she just cut me off. All in one week.

I gave her up for adoption when she was three days old. I placed her in her adoptive mother's arms. I feel as if I'm being forced to give her up again. I need to face reality. I gave her up and I will regret it until the day I die. I need to learn how to live with it.

Anything anyone can share on this will be tremendously appreciated.

Best regards,
Bleeding Heart
Before I weigh in with my opinion, can you tell us how old your daughter is now? That will help us understand better what you're going through right now.
birthmother1 said...
To all adoptees, please help me to understand. I am angry, hurt, and depressed. My child doesn't want anything to do with me. It was an open adoption and the birth mother stopped including me. I accepted that figuring she didn't want to confuse her. Now I realize it was something totally different. My child was fed a pack of lies about me. How do I know? The letter she wrote me was intentionally very hurtful and painful. That was in 02/2010. The facts were twisted and untrue. It's as if the adoptive mom painted me to be an uncaring, compulsive lying monster. I don't know what to do.

I have three other children and this is affecting me terribly. I keep it to myself. I think it's making me ill. I think about her daily. I have been writing her non-stop for over two years now. I received just the one negative reply. I have tears in my eyes now. I have attended counseling for this. It did very little good. I need to accept things and move on. If she really wanted a relationship of any kind with me, she wouldn't let what someone has told her about me stop her. She was open to the idea. Then she just cut me off. All in one week.

I gave her up for adoption when she was three days old. I placed her in her adoptive mother's arms. I feel as if I'm being forced to give her up again. I need to face reality. I gave her up and I will regret it until the day I die. I need to learn how to live with it.

Anything anyone can share on this will be tremendously appreciated.

Best regards,
Bleeding Heart


All I can say is give it time. This stuff is really very difficult, especially when people haven't been truthful. Patience, patience and more patience.

I'm so sorry.
I am sorry to hear you are having this experience. From reading posts over the years I would guess this has more about your bdaughter not wanting to hurt her amother's feeling than it really has to do with you. My circumstances are very different but if my biological mother was a functional person I know my amother would have been the same way. My birth mother is severely disabled, she is in zero way a threat to my adoptive mother, she cannot even talk but my adoptive mother told me I could choose my "family" or my "retard" mother. I choose my birth mother and no longer have contact with family. My birth mother and adoptive mother are sisters and my adoptive mother wants nothing to do with her. I am the product of rape and will never understand how my adoptive mother can have zero compassion or concern for my birth mother.

I wish I had better words of comfort. I would probably just send a final letter letting her know that no matter what you will be there if she needs you and try to let it go for now. If anything, if and when she has children of her own maybe her heart will change. I truly believe that it is not personal. Between her adoptive mother, all the lies she was told, and very likely all the feelings that were coming up from having contact with you, I am guessing she just choose the easiest to deal with path.

Good luck and take care.
Knowing your child's age would help. Teens sometimes pull away more at the start. They're trying to shed parents, not gain more.

I think many of us do worry about hurting our aparents. It's just something we have to figure out. If she's young, she may be struggling with those feelings of loyalty. I also know that I had some preconceived notions about my bmom that didn't come from my parents, but from things I heard, or my own defense mechanisms.

Hope she comes around.
Thank you all soooooo much for your replies of encouragement and concern. Before this forum there was noone to communicate my feelings and thoughts to that could even begin to understand. This hole in my heart has grown soooo big. It is overwhelming. Some days I function on auto pilot.
This is so rough, because the more you push, the more likely she will shut down. As hard as it is, I think you need to take a step back. When was the last time you communicated with her? I think maybe send one more letter where you let her know you will respect her wishes but that if, in the future, she has a change of heart, your door will be open. I would NOT say anything bad about her aparents, even if they did tell her a pack of lies (I will never understand this level of insecurity), because a) this does sound like a loyalty issue and b) you don't need to explain yourself, justify yourself, or stoop to their level. I might, however, mention about the hurtful things your daughter brought up and just say that those things are simply not true, without going into a guilt-trip or over-explaining it. Can you share what your daughter said that was so hurtful? It might help to see where she is coming from.

Your daughter IS 21 years old, which is typically a time when young adults are wanting their independence and figuring out their future plans (college, career, etc.). At that age, I just wanted to be with my friends, I really didn't want to be around my mom, and I'm not adopted with two moms!

I am sorry you are going through this. It's hard enough to live with relinquishing a child, but when the parents we entrusted to care for them tell them outright lies due to their own insecurities, this has to feel like a knife to the heart. I was fortunate in that my son's parents did not badmouth me to him, but did the exact opposite. We only had a semi-open adoption with letters and pictures exchanged through the agency, but even with positive feelings, it took my son 4 years from the time he released his identifying information to me until we met for the first time. For some adoptees, they jump right into reunion, but for others, they have a lot to process. Give it time, but also understand that it might be years before she is ready to come around, if at all. I always had hope that my son and I would reconnect, but kept my expectations in check, too. If it was not what he wanted, there was nothing I could do about that.

In the meantime, I would CONTINUE to write to your daughter, but not sent the letters, or keep a journal for her. If, at some point, she wants to reconnect, you can have this for her. In many ways, I'm glad I had an agency intermediary. If my son didn't want contact, I'd have just continued to send updates to the agency to hold for him, which he'd be able to request from them when and if he wanted, without having to contact me if that made him uncomfortable. Perhaps this would be an option for you? I know that is not ideal, or what you really want, but it always gave me some comfort knowing I could write to him and if he so desired, he could have my updates.

I hope you will find some measure of peace with this situation, difficult as it is.
Great advice by Peachy! I'd be willing to guess it's her age. She's just separating from her parents, it would be hard to hurt them by considering a reunion. (many of us worry about hurting our aparents feelings by even acknowledging any curiosity)

I agree with the one more letter, and then maybe a brief note on her birthday, no pressure to respond or requests of her, just a thinking of you.

I am so sorry you are hurting.
So much of this is great advice. I would also like to say that kids at her age are VERY egocentric. It is all about her and she isn't seeing the "big picture" right now. Also, she isn't thinking about the consequences of her actions at this age either. I think in a few years she may start viewing things a little differently. Give it time but also realize that you may have to let go one day and let her live her life she has chosen. As sad as it makes you we can't always change people no matter how much we try. But always know you don't have to live it alone either. There are many groups and people who care to hear how you are feeling and just letting it out is always helpful, maybe even writting it out. I am so sorry that your story has turned out the way it has but don't forget every story can change at the turn of page. Have faith.
Honestly you must remember these people took her in and gave her a home. How could she not trust them. even though it hurts she has to come around on her own. But if i may ask what lies were said?
I too suspect your child may not want to hurt the adoptive family's feelings. In the end the truth always comes out. Please continue to write her, but do not make yourself sick about it. Concentrate on being a good mother to your other children and staying strong. When you do have contact again you want to be the best person you can, for your child and yourself.
A couple of the lies told to her about me was that her amother didn't know where I was and she searched for me but couldn't turn up anything. Her amother has always known my address and phone number. I have the photos and letters she mailed me down through the years to prove it.

Another lie is that I abandoned my daughter. Not true. I went through Catholic Charities and had contact with the amother throughout my pregnancy. We even agreed when I went into labor for her to come immediately so my daughter would be with her from the very beginning. I did not want her to wind up in the system or an orphanage. I wanted her to be with someone that loved her as much as I did from the very beginning. She did come.

My daughter had jaundice when she was born. I was released before her. She stayed an extra two days. I went every day to see her and just hold her.

This is extremely hard to talk about. I'm crying at this very moment. I have been ostricized, criticized, put down, talked down to, made fun of, and judged by my family and anyone they told.

When I was pregnant, I felt I had nowhere to turn and I was ashamed for being pregnant out of wedlock. My family made me feel even worse. Noone would help me.

Now I'm broken. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I wish I had been stronger for her, for both of us. I will regret it until the day I die.

I don't talk to anyone about it. It's my secret. Somedays when my emotions overwhelm me, I just sit and cry until I can cope. At times, I feel like I am unraveling.

Prior to me joining this forum, I did send her a card telling her how much I loved her and if she ever needed or wanted me, I would be there for her. But, did she even get it? I only have her amother's address.

Thank you all so very much. You have no idea how communicating with you helps me. I don't feel alone anymore. I don't feel hopeless anymore.

Best regards,
Bleeding Heart
I just wonder what " I don't talk about it. Its my secret" actually means. Does that mean your other children don't know? Perhaps if you could talk about it to a few close people it may help you?

I know when I was in my twenties I would not have welcomed my bmom at all but as I got older I came around. Patience is definatley the key.

Best Regards.
I'm a 48 year old adoptee and am sincerely sorry that you are going through this. From the adoptee's perspective I think you may be right in someone has been feeding her a line of information that is not accurate. As an adoptee, I think the natural response would be at least curiosity about you, not wanting nothing to do with you.

The only condition I can think to put on that judgment is the age difference. I can (barely) remember when I was 21 and I didn't want to hear from my a-parents, much less my b-parents that I'd never known. At that age, I knew it all anyway. Wink So there may well be something to the idea that your daughter either needs a few more years of growing up to gain some perspective and see what a wonderful gift you are offering her, or that she is curious but can't find a way to acknowledge this without feeling that she is offending her a-parents.

My advice would be to find a non-obligational way to get your contact information directly to her. She may not want / be able to use it immediately, but again from the adoptee's perspective there will come a time when she will be glad she has it. I'm sorry to say that beyond that, and letting her know your intentions and feelings, there's little that you can do other than wait...as difficult as that is.

Another thought for now...I know that this is an incredibly painful time for you, and you sometimes feel as if you have no one who understands. I would suggest to you that, on this site and perhaps others like it, you have a resource with unique perspectives into the many phases of the adoption process. You mentioned that you had gone to counselling, and I would encourage you to continue that process. But when you just need a sympathetic ear to vent to, there are many of them here.

Lastly, and this is also from an adoptee's perspective, as much as it hurts right now, I will tell you that the decisions you made concerning placing your daughter for adoption were among the most selfless decisions possible. My b-mom made similar choices with me, and for a very long time she carried a lot of guilt...I suspect she still carries some. But as I told her, the choices that she made were made with my best interests in mind at her own expense. I hope that your daughter will one day be able to acknowledge the sacrifice that you made for her.

Best,
PADJ
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