My child doesn't want anything to do with me.

My oldest child does know. She's 14. I didn't tell her someone else did. Why? I'll never know. But I disassociated myself from that individual. We talked about it and she wrote her older sister a letter. No response. She said whatever. If she doesn't want anything to do with me then I don't want anything to do with her. I explained she may not have even gotten her letter. She disagrees with me. Anywho, we have moved on. Children are so resilient. My two younger ones don't know yet. They are 9 and 2. I know eventually someone will tell them their mother's secret and I will have to have a heart to heart with them as well. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. PADJ, thank you for your words of inspiration and sharing. I pray my daughter will someday understand my sacrifice as you do. I also realize that day may never come. I stopped going to counseling. It didn't seem to help. Maybe it did. I was emotionally distraught, until I found this forum. I think I will start back. My counselor is the one who advised me to find an adoption support group. My days aren't as overwhelming as they were. I can get through the day without crying. I can think about her without crying. I can write this post without crying. I know I'm making progress. I am trying to find peace in knowing that she did have a loving, stable, and wonderful childhood. No matter what her amom may have told her about me I know she loves my child. In the one letter I did receive from my daughter. She wrote me, "DNA does not make you a mother and when she looks into her mother's eyes she sees herself". I know she has a strong bond with her amom, and that's a good thing. I gave her up. I need to accept the reality of my decision and move on (cope). Find peace in the positives and continue to be the best mother I can be to my other three daughters. Best regards, Bleeding Heart

Whenever you want to talk, or vent or just need someone to hear you then post again. Sorry you are going through this.

Today is an exceptionally hard day for me. The guilt, hurt, and pain I feel is overwhelming and at times unbearable. I don't know why. I just know some days are harder than others. I've had tears in my eyes all day. Sometimes it's even hard for me to breathe. I don't like days like this. Sometimes I don't feel like I will survive it. But I know I will. I always do. Does this pain ever go away? Is coping the best I can hope for? Can coping get me through? I'm sick and tired of just surviving? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want peace. I need peace. When I feel this low, I think about my three girls. Their love is what pulls me through. I can shake this dark cloud and keep moving forward. I draw my strength from their love. If it wasn't for them, I don't know what I'd do. I feel like a part of me is missing. I should've been stronger for her, for both of us. Right now, I just want to stop crying. My regret has me in a headlock. I just have to hold on. Hold on for my girls. I know tomorrow will be a better day. It always is. I am so tired. I need peace. DAY BY DAY, Bleeding Heart

(((((birthmother1))))) Sometimes coping is all we can do. Breathe in, breathe out, repeat. It's exhausing, this nightmare existence. Breathing doesn't sound so hard but when you have to make yourself do it, it's exhausting. No one who hasn't been there will have any idea what you're going through. When people offer you "advice" from their place of pure ignorance, recognize their ignorance and put them on ignore. Don't give them the satisfaction of watching you suffer. I've even been known to tell some people to go to hades and avoided them altogether. You have to do what you have to do to make it through. I don't know what to offer in the way of constructive advice, I don't know how to get myself out of these places when I'm there, but I wanted you to know I hear you, I empathise and I know that in time--perhaps a long time, but in time--you'll have two days in a row where you aren't forcing yourself to breathe. Then three, then five, and eventually you're in a better place.

(((((birthmother1))))) I am so sorry that you are having a rough time right now. Just know that you are not alone. I reunited with my son in May of this year and he turned 20 in September. His parents always told him that I was in a terrible situation and I placed him with them because that was the best thing I thought I could do for him. When I explained the situation I was in to him, he told me that he agreed that I had made the right decision. He said that he wanted me to be a part of his life and he wanted to be a part of my life and my 3 year old son's life. Even so, I rarely hear from him. I have only heard from him 3 or 4 times since we reunited. I sent him a birthday card with a three page letter enclosed in September. I have not heard from him since. I sent him a message on Thanksgiving to say, "Hi! I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving." He never replied. I was very disappointed and hurt by that. I really think that it has to do with him not wanting to hurt his parents and the fact that he is 20. He is into his friends, his girlfriend and his car right now. Intellectually, I understand that. Emotionally, it hurts like hell. I have suffered the most dull, aching pain since the day I gave him up until now. I wouldn't wish the depression I have been through on anyone. I know what it's like to feel exhausted by breathing. I have wished that I could just stop breathing so that I would not have to suffer anymore and I could finally have some peace. Most days, I am just fine but some days I can barely get out of bed. We all have to lean on each other and keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through this. I hope your daughter comes around someday. (((more hugs)))

I can feel the pain in your words, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am an adoptee and at 21yrs old I had no desire to even know about my Bmom. Whether she is being fed lies, partial truths or otherwise, some adoptee use anger as a way of defending their feelings of having been rejected. Crazy, yes and it does not justify her sending you such a letter. She sounds rather immature in a sense that if she is being fed lies she is not considering they may not be true. Does she have any Asiblings? At what point did the communication between Aparents and you stop? I have found that many times Aparents who are insecure will feed lies to the adoptee. Then again, you say you left the hospial 2 days before your daughter, it could very well be Amom gave a little bias on that or might have even told the truth and your daughter heard what she wanted to hear. There are so many variables and I wish I had the magical words to make your situation all right and take your pain away. I did not even entertain the idea of searching until in my 40s when Ine eded medical history. Some adoptees can't wait to seach and wondered and yearned all their lives, other have little or no desire. Pehaps your daughter is in th latter group. I will say though for her to lash out at you means that she is hurting. I hate the word time, but I am afraid that is all you can do is wait and see. Let her know that you will always be there when she is ready for the truth and wait. Sucks I know, but if you push it there is a chance you will pushe her away even more. Thinking back my Aparents never said anything about my Bmom but if I were contacted out of the blue I might have been angry that she was trying to interfere in my life after all those years and question why all of a sudden she would want contact. In my case it turned out my bmom knew exactly where I was and even spoke to me almost daily without ever telling me who she was. Adoption can bring some pretty messed up situations especially if there are lies or ommissions of truths involved. Again, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I hope and pray that your daughter has a change of heart to open up to the truth.

birthmother1, I had this lovely, eloquent reply all typed up, hit send and the computer sent it to timbuktu. So I apologize in advance if this sounds repetitive, or like I'm stumbling all over myself trying to remember what I said before. That's because it's exactly what I'm doing. I hate computers sometimes... :mad: I will continue to hope that your daughter does eventually realize what is being offered to her. It is a priceless gift that can only come from you. But more than that, I hope that you will find some peace in acknowledging the reasons for your choice to give her up. You made that choice with the best of intentions for her at your own potential expense. When you say that you "should have been stronger for her, for both of us" I honestly don't know how you could have done that. Give those 3 daughters big hugs and lots of them. And remember to vent here as needed. Best, PADJ

THANK YOU all for your words of encouragement and empathy. Until this forum, I felt like I was alone. My husband is my bestfriend but he just can't help me with this. He's loving and kind, but he doesn't understand and can't relate. YOU ALL give me hope when I feel hopeless. On my hard days, you all help me to bear the unbearable. Note: I did leave two days before she did. On the first day after I left I went back to visit and hold her. On the second day, the social worker / case manager and I picked her up from the hospital. We met her amom and I placed my child in her arms. I was 17 when I got pregnant and 18 when I gave birth. I was on my own and ate at the soup kitchen almost everyday. I didn't have any kind of support from anyone. I was ashamed and alone. None of that matters. I should have been stronger for her, for both of us. Day by day, Bleeding Heart

(((Birthmother1)))). You did the very best you could for her at the time with the options you were given. I wish options had been different for you and that you had had the support you needed but what else could have you done for someone you loved so much in the circumstances you were in at the time. Hopefully, one day your daughter will understand this.

Most welcome! The first part of your post did kind of give me a chuckle. Sometimes when I talk to people that I've known for decades about being adopted, searching, locating, having "two moms" and all of that I cannot find the words. I end up sounding like a real dummy, but it's because there is no common frame of reference. My wife and family have been supportive above and beyond the call of duty, but they know that they don't "get" all of it. By comparison, I come on a site like this one or talk to another adoptee, birth parent or adoptive parent that I've never met and it's almost as if there's an immediate subconscious link. The second part of your post though, about being stronger...I understand the sentiment, but again I say that I don't know how you could have done that. The choice you made was with her best interests at heart and was incredibly selfless. Selflessness shows so much more strength than selfishness. Breathe...one day at a time. Best, PADJ

Birthmother here. One birthdaughter and three other beautiful kids. I feel your pain. I truely do. I just want to say please dont let this detract from the job you have with the three kids you are raising. They love you more than anything in the world, as you love them. Put your energies into them right now. I had stop expending all my emotional energy on the relationship with my birthdaughter as it was sapping the real me from my other three. It had to be a concious decision, and it took work but it did help to free me up to "be" there fully. None of us can guess what the future holds, so hang on to what you have got. I hope this doesn't sound harsh. It is not meant to be. I am just trying to give you a tool to help you move forward from the ghastly emotional grid you are in. I have been there. Take care Susie

Hello, First I want to say I am so sorry for your pain. Leave the door open for her and give her time. She is at a difficult age in her life. Accepting we have no control over the other person's actions is one of the hardest pieces of this process. We can only control our own actions, responses, etc. Keep hope-she is young. Try to accept where the process is right now and know that in the future it may be different. Know that you are not alone. This forum is a wonderful place.

I agree lost2010, this forum is a wonderful place. It has helped me in ways (all positive) that I can't even begin to explain. Susie, thank you. I am a realist and I've been letting my emotions get the best of me. I decided a few days ago not to do that anymore. I can't do anything about my birthdaughter, but I can do everything about the three I am raising. That has to be enough. I'll cross that bridge with my bdaughter when and if the opportunity presents itself. Until then, I have three daughters I adore and they love me back. I have accepted I may never see my bdaughter or communicate with her again. It's like I've been in a fog walking around operating on auto-pilot. No more. It's not fair to my daughters. They deserve all of me. I love them so much and I need to be emotionally present and healthy for them at all times. I'm looking forward to the new year. I have turned over a new leaf. I don't want to miss another second (emotionally) of my daughter's lives. I want to be the best mother I can be. I want to create with them loving and fantastic memories of their childhood and mother (me). I am healing, slowly but surely. You guys give me hope and encouragement. I now have a new vigor for life. I enjoy my children more. The joy I feel when I am with them is intoxicating. I love it. I live for it. I still think of my bdaughter daily. The difference is I don't dwell on it until I am emotionally crippled. Day by day, Bleeding Heart

Your story breaks my heart. I am a 49 year old adoptee, just now seeking my bmother. I really hope she wants to meet me and my daughter half as much as you want to be with your daughter! I was fortunate in my aparents told me the truth about my bmother. They are both deceased now. She was molested, she was 12 when I was born. I would have been horrified to be in the position at that age. So I really can understand if she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm just praying she's still alive, I can find her, to tell her how much I appreciate her giving me up. My afamily took very good care of me. Being a mother now myself I don't think they could have loved me more if I was their flesh and blood! I will be praying your daughter, will come around, before it's too late, stay strong! And know that you did the best you could in a difficult situation, and that's all any of us can do. Sincerly Liz

Birthmother1, I will continue to hope that things turn out in the best way for you. In the meantime, love your three daughters the best way you can, tell them you love them and create some wonderful traditions and memories along the way. The time goes by far too quickly to squander. It did my heart good to read your last post. One day at a time, remember to breathe, and come here as needed to vent and share! :D Best, PADJ