My child doesn't want anything to do with me.

Dear Bleeding Heart, I am and adult adoptee (42) and as hard as this sounds...just give her time. One day she will realize that you gave her life and didn't abort so she should at least give you a chance to tell your side. I thank you on her behalf for dealing with the extremely hard decision to give birth especially with the nonsupportive family you had. :) Just know that you have done what you could for her and now it is her turn. Best wishes and warm hugs

hey there. susie again. I am so glad you didnt take offence to my post, and ur response brought tears to my eyes. I just understand how gutwrenching it is to have relinquished a child and how easy it can be to put aside what is in front of us. Gotta look at the cup half full....right? you take care girl and i just hope one day she can sort out her emotions and waltz back into ur life. I think it is really important for her to know you are always there and would be welcome in good times and bad!!! Heartfelt hugs Susie ps I wonder about you telling all your kids. I have seen more damage done by not telling as opposed to telling. I remember telling my three, even tho they were 9, 6 and 4 at the time. They danced around the garden singing we have a sisiter, we have a sister!!! now as young adults she is part of their lives in many small ways! Fbook etc!

I'm not strong enough to tell my two youngest daughters yet. I fear I would begin to unravel again if I did that. I am still dealing with my thoughts about my daughter. I have to daily put forth the effort to not drift down 'DEPRESSION ROAD' again. So far so good. At this point, I know there is no way I can talk about her to them. I wouldn't be able to handle the questions and curiosity. Not yet. Day by day, Bleeding Heart

Happy New Year everyone. I'm looking forward to 2012. Taking it one day at a time and not dwelling on my past. I can't move forward, if I'm always looking back. I may never get a chance to have a relationship with my bdaughter. I am accepting that day by day. Bleeding Heart

Happy New Year to you too! Please tell me a little about the kids you are raising. How old are they, and what do they each love to do? My three are all so different. Two daughters and a son. 24yrs, 21yrs and 19yrs old now. Oh how that time has flown. I come from a different country than you so sometimes my language may sound a little different. I am presuming you are from the USA as are most on this site. Some of my face book friends are women I have met on this site years ago and they say I even write with an accent!!! My 24yr old daughter has an honors degree in political science and english literature. My 21yr old daughter is alot more serious and studies music and english and my son is studying Video and electronic media and my clone! Ha. Actually my b daughter is more like me than the two daughters I raised which is crazy ( she is now 31) and she has had her first baby..who is nearly one year old. I have met him once and he is a wee dear!!!! Susie

On Christmas Day, I was in a winter storm. I was on some black ice and wrecked my SUV. As my SUV was slamming into the concrete median over and over again, all I could think about were my daughters. Two of them were with me, my 14 and 2 year old. When my SUV finally stopped in the middle of the interstate, I did a quick assessment. My 14 year old, who was in the passenger seat, was shaken up but fine. However, I couldn't hear anything coming from the back seat where my 2 year old was. I had her harnessed in her car seat but the impact was so severe. I feared the car seat didn't protect her. I slowly turned my head around. I found two big bright eyes staring back at me. At that very moment my 2 year old daughter threw both of her hands straight up in the air over her head and yelled "THANK YOU JESUS!". I shared this with you to say. In 2012, I plan to live life to the fullest. I am going to be thankful and relish every moment. I will not waist another second beating myself up about my past. I am looking ahead and looking forward to the future. Day by day, Bleeding Heart

I have three daughters. Ages 14, 9, and 2. My 14 year old is a freshman in high school. She loves to sing and dance. She's a member of the varsity choir and dance team. My 9 year old is in the third grade and a straight 'A' student. She loves science and soccer. She wants to be an astronaut. My 2 year old pretty much runs my household. She's very smart and pays attention to detail. She's just bursting with energy. I'm teaching her to read. My hands are full. They keep me busy. Sometimes it seems as if there aren't enough hours in the day. Day by day, Bleeding Heart

Hi there again. No I hadnt forgotten you. I forgot all my login details, even the email I used as it was so long ago that I started on this website. I had a Eureka moment today as I was staring at my favourites...2 tries later I am back in !!!:banana: Your accident must have been soooooo scary! So glad all okay and everyone safe. there is so much happening around my bdaughter at the moment it is too big a story to contemplate writing about. I am just hoping it all turns out ok. Still thinking about you susie:love:

Hi! I am an adoptee in reunion for nearly 20 yrs and I was also a search assistant in support groups for a long time- so I saw many different areas of the spectrum. You've gotten some good advice. What I would say is to continue looking at 2012 as a wonderful new year. Concentrate on loving and caring for yourself and your younger 3 daughters. You have to be healthy and active with them! You know that your first born is safe and healthy-that's a positive. What you don't know is what she is feeling and why. You didn't post too much about the horrible things she said, but I'm inferring that she is angry and has abandonment issues. SHe may feel that she is being torn between her curiosity about you and her adoptive parents. She may just be angry. She's young and her emotions will evolve with time and life experiences. You might want to send her birthday and christmas cards. Something light, uplifting, saying you are thinking of her, always have and she's in your heart. Provide your email address. I have a close friend who is a birth mom and she did this for over 7yrs before her daughter responded. And now they've been in active best friend reunion for 17 yrs! If you give her updates on her sisters- do not include pictures. She has to step up and ask for that- and by piquing her curiosity she might eventually do that. Maybe send her a good adoption reunion book like THe Other Mother. Is she at college? Can you send letters directly to her there? Its harder when she has to answer back to a-parents about what you said because they brought the mail in. Have you joined CUB? It can provide a warm, welcoming home for you to share your heartbreak in a nurturing environment with others who have gone through similar experiences. I wish you the best of luck. Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk further.

Hello everyone, All is well. I'm doing fine. I have realized I can't change my past and I've decided to stop reliving it. I find when I don't talk about it, I can cope much easier. I haven't been posting because it depresses me to think about it. It's like reliving a horrible nightmare again and again. I haven't been able to read any posts either. I think the best thing for me to do right now is to just let go. I have decided to stop waiting for a day that may never come. If she ever decides to contact me, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have accepted the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't beat myself up about it anymore. Most days I don't even feel guilt or regret. She told me herself she had a wonderful childhood. Even bragged about her amom (in the letter I spoke of) to try and make me feel bad. Well, she did at first. Now, I don't see it like that anymore. I know she's loved and that's good enough for me. I have my reasons for doing what I did. If she accepts them, fine. If she don't, well that's fine too. IT IS WHAT IT IS: LIFE I wish you all peace and happiness. If I ever need to share my thoughts or to vent again, I know where to come. Again, thank you all for your insight, kind words, concern and support. Day by day...........

So true! "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Best, PADJ

You didn't want her in your life at one point. Not being harsh, but you chose to give her up. Now you want her in your life. She doesn't want you in her life now. One day she quite possibly will. She's 21. Most 21 year olds aren't ready for reunion with birth givers. I'm sure waiting on her to be ready is hard... but... I would wait a few years, or perhaps send one message on facebook or e-mail, giving her your contact info, and saying you're here when she's ready, no pressure, and that you will leave her alone until she chooses to contact you.

sad to say but I agree. as a adoptee its hard living with the fact you were relinquished. Id send b-day, xmas etc cards and put the ball in her court. Tell her you can understand her hurt and pain and you're sorry and hope she forgives you one day but you just want to know she is ok and possibly have a chance to try to communicate with her. At 21 I really hated my bparents. that phase didnt calm down until about 26. Im lucky I met them at 28 cause I was real calm and receptive by then .

What about my pain? This is why I don't talk about it anymore. This is why I won't post about it anymore. I was so young and had absolutely NO support. Apparently I still don't. Bleeding Heart

Have you reached out to CUB? (concerned united birthparents)? You need to be talking to women who have experienced what you did and who know that while you may have signed away your rights- you had absolutely no choice, control or undersanding of how this would affect you both. Its hard to get the right counseling when many counselors do not understand how to deal with the adoption surrender. While your daughter may be angry or have been told how horrible you were by her apars (you wouldn't believe what my amom called my bmom) her letter was written out of her own pain. She's not letting you help her with that-so first you have to help yourself. There is a CUB site on facebook- they have annual retreats, and if there is a group nearby you it is well worth a trip to be surrounded by moms who understand. Although I am an adoptee, I still find my time there to be very supportive. Last night I watched Dan Rather's show on adoption with some CUB members. It is on HDNET tv- but should be downloadable on i-tunes today. You are so not alone. Please feel free to PM me-while I cannot understand your daughter's actions- I would have ran into my birthmom's arms had she found me - there is support available.