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birthmother1
Thank you all for your input. I will not be making another post to this thread. FYI: It's not that the amom didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, I have sound reasons for feeling the way I do. I have photos of my daughter from infant to Jr. High. Then all communication stopped when my daughter started High School. After receiving a Valentine's Day card from me when she was 18, at the age of 19, my daughter wrote me saying she looked for me and I was about ten years too late. (You do the math.) She never needed to look for me. The amom has always known where I was. I have all of her correspondence to prove it.
I don't want to explain myself anymore and this is emotionally draining for me, not to slight what my daughter feels or any of you. My daughter feels I'm the VILLAIN and apparently some of you do also. I know I created all of this turmoil because I gave her up. I do understand all of this is MY DOING. I will patiently wait for her with the reality that she may never want anything to do with me. I KNOW< I KNOW<IT'S ALL MY FAULT
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I really wish the situation was different and I don't know how things can evolve if there is an influence so strong that negates that possibility. I know my adopted mother did everything she could think of to try to persuade me not to look for my birthparents. Despite all of this I found them. But I was 40 and had been out of the house for a long time. I hope with time you have the opportunity to get to know your daughter. She will always be that no matter what. Take care and Pad I didn't feel you were singling me out at all; so no offense taken.
I don't walk on eggs when I speak my mind...or bow down to others who feel I typed or talked the wrong words. The truth is birthmother played a role in her dismay and until she realize it she will never be able to move on.. If her pain is that great she need not be on a message board...as you can see, she can't cope. I've noticed on the board there are sensitive people who can't handle simple words without getting bent out of shape. It is a tough pill to give up your child and later regret it...to meet your mother for the 1st time and without warning she disappears for the 2nd time....a child being kicked around the foster system. We all have a story to tell but some of us learn from it and not live with it. The words in the room didn't break birthmother, she came to this forum already broken. When I typed, I didn't type from a place of pain, guilt or pity because it's not WHO I AM. Sometimes the best solution is to let it go but that's faith in knowing the issue can be worked out without personal involvement. It works like a charm for me all the time.
To me being "broken" means there is an opening for change. Maybe it's false hope. I don't know. I do know I can't "fix" things for people but I can leave markers along the way to tell people to avoid certain areas or to at least contribute to Global warming via hot air. Kind of like a steam vent. When you are percolating it's not a bad thing to let some hot air flourish out the spout. Like a tea kettle maybe. I like having the opportunity to read and write. It keeps me in touch with the part of me that's always questioning the ways of the world.
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Her pain is great because the adopted mom lied to her daughter,the daughter wants nothing to with because of that.The adopted mom should be ashamed of her self.How are u guy not getting this?How would u feel,if u found out someone was lying to your child.I wouldn't be happy,if I found out someones been lying to my kids for years and trying to get them to hate me more,that's just wrong.
I think it would be wise if you were a bit more supportive in your words. We all need different things so perhaps you don't realize how strong your words can come across. A few points...
Susa
I don't walk on eggs when I speak my mind...or bow down to others who feel I typed or talked the wrong words. No one is asking you to, but you can be kinder with your words. Support can be honest without giving them the "Kick them while they are down" vibe, which some of your posts seem to carry. I've noticed on the board there are sensitive people who can't handle simple words without getting bent out of shape. In the same turn, someone could say in regards to your posts "I've noticed there are rude people who sometimes need to know when not to post or simply learn the lesson of "if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all." When I typed, I didn't type from a place of pain, guilt or pity because it's not WHO I AM. That's great....for YOU. Please realize for others that may not be the case and it's not your place to tell them where to "type from".
[FONT=Arial]No one is asking you to, but you can be kinder with your words. Support can be honest without giving them the "Kick them while they are down" vibe, which some of your posts seem to carry[/FONT][FONT=Arial].Ӕ[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I dont know anyone on this board from a hole in the wall. You want be to be kinder which is understandable however learning from real experiences being kind doesnҒt work for people stuck in a funk. While others on this board take the sweet approach, I take the direct. Can you please show me in my post where I am kicking? I gave birthmother advice without the sweetness cuz life aint always about the sweetness. If you read back birthmother threatened to leave the room before I entered. Didya get that? My words weren't the words to break her down but you zoomed in on my words. Why is that?[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]ғIn the same turn, someone could say in regards to your posts "I've noticed there are rude people who sometimes need to know when not to post or simply learn the lesson of "if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all."[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]It happened before. The person accusing me never pointed out in my post where I was rude. Instead, s/he writes behind the wall accusing me for being rude then flipped it by saying something rude to me I could have sliced him in two but I chose to take the high road knowing he speaks from a place of pain and defeat. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]œThat's great....for YOU. Please realize for others that may not be the case and it's not your place to tell them where to "type from".[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Now Im being accused of telling folks where to ғtype from please show me where? You misunderstood. Another poster came in ticked off because s/he didnԒt like the tone of the room. When I responded to birthmother it didnt come from a bad place it may not be boxed and wrapped up with a rose on top (like the rest of you) but it wasnҒt from a bad place. That's my word.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I never once attacked anyone on this board about their choice of words. I cant say the same.. I am constantly being told what to type how to say it and if I donҒt have anything nice to say, dont say it.. Get real! I give real talk to posters not kindness or rudeness cuz on the real tip not one person on this board can truly help you so why not give the real. The kindness seems so fake.[/FONT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]ғTo me being "broken" means there is an opening for change. Maybe it's false hope. I don't know.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]YouԒre right. Take a vase and throw it up against a wall it will break into small pieces. It can be put back together but it will never be the same. ThatŒs the change. With human beings we have to come face to face with our demons on top of the role we played in our dismay to begin the change. [/FONT][/FONT]
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"I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S ALL MY FAULT" Oh no, you are not at fault, not in the least. You had zero choice back then, so please don't condemn yourself. I hope you have been able to let this go for a while. And please, don't feel undue pressure to tell your other children until you are firmly convinced that you and they are ready and mature enough to handle it. Your anguish is palpable. I hope you've been able to find a measure of peace since your posts.