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Ok, I am trying not to loose it. My foster kids had "Christmas" with their birth family. They got only two small, inexpensive gifts. The birth family made a big deal about these and that the kids can only have them for a little while and then I must send them back. The CW made a big deal that the birth family did great in giving them presents. "They are doing so much better." As opposed to the kids birthday where they didn't even remember until I reminded them and they didn't give them anything??? They also sent a letter for the kids saying stuff like I am your real dad/mom and I have always been there with you...blah blah.
Does anyone else deal with stuff like this?
Yep.
My kid bio mom only wants to call to give HER Christmas list. She has never bought the kids anything.
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And then you have the opposite situation ... where the child is blanketed with toys, gifts, clothes (which don't necessarily fit) from every member of a huge extended family (most who probably don't normally buy gifts for said child) and both parents who are trying to out-compete each other. Poor child sees no value in ANY of the gifts and wants more, more, more. It's not even Christmas yet and he's been bringing home presents ... yikes. Not to mention that my own children may have to move out in order to make room for the onslaught ... he has more stuff than my children ever had. There is a happy medium between your situation and our situation ... somewhere. Sad.
My FS's biomom bought him presents for his Birthday in October....then promptly said. "we are going to keep these at home for you". SO, birthday gifts going un-used for over 3 months....nice. My FS was not happy, but got over it quick, since he is the most non-materialistic kid ever. Happier to spend tiem next to me or helping me clean vs. toys.
kkaci
And then you have the opposite situation ... where the child is blanketed with toys, gifts, clothes (which don't necessarily fit) from every member of a huge extended family (most who probably don't normally buy gifts for said child) and both parents who are trying to out-compete each other. Poor child sees no value in ANY of the gifts and wants more, more, more. It's not even Christmas yet and he's been bringing home presents ... yikes. Not to mention that my own children may have to move out in order to make room for the onslaught ... he has more stuff than my children ever had. There is a happy medium between your situation and our situation ... somewhere. Sad.
That happened to me last Christmas. I took the girls to their mother's new in-laws home to celebrate. FD1 got downright rude. I was embarrassed and the family didn't even see it. At my home, she opened each present with care and ogled it. At the mother's/in-laws, they went so overboard (and most of it was junk except the easy bake oven that I told her was TOO old for her, read the age on the box people! but they only got it because I wouldn't) but there was so much stuff bought by the in-laws and bio mom for their "new home" that it was a sin and FD1 didn't even appreciate any of it. She literally opened a box, quickly looked at it, and tossed it aside and said "next." I had to take her aside, yes me, in front of them all, and explain to her that her actions were rude and inconsiderate and that is she did not stop she would open no more boxes.
I didn't get any brownie points from their "grandmother." (This was a woman that they had met only one time previous to this day for 5 minutes and she was going on and on about "grandma" this and that.) That woman gave me the devil's eye. She didn't even know me but was rude and treated me with disdain. Hello, I gave up MY Christmas so they could spend it with their bio family.
The bio mom never bought them stuff outside of birthday/Christmas, where she and their extended family WAY overdid it. The CW supposedly told the mother on many occasions to save her money for housing and that I provide plenty for the girls already.
It is all a show. I lived with my grandparents until I was 9 and my bio mom pulled the same crap. She visited once a week for 2-3 hours and Christmas. She lathered us with presents and I was smart enough even as a child to know that she was just trying to buy my love.
And back in the Easy Bake Oven, as I predicted, FD1 was too young to do it herself so it really wasn't any fun for her at all.
ours give gifts that have to stay at their house, where the children went about once or twice and got to play with them. but htey have more than enough here so who cares. it was hurtful to the kids though, because they were too young to understand.
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I understand your frustration with the logic. Our twin's birthmom didn't give them anything for their birthday, but later showered them with over $400 worth of gifts (she left the target receipt in the bag). As Christmas approached, she called me and said that since she went "overboard" with their birthday, those gifts would also count as their Christmas too. Then she went on to tell me how she thought it would be nice if she bought a Hallmark recordable book for them (I was thinking...wow! What an awesome idea) and (get this) I would record the boys reading the story to her and then give HER the book for Christmas. What? They are 14 months old!!!
I completely understand your frustration. In our case, bio mom is mentally 14, her mind is damaged from all the drug use. It makes it a little easier to deal with her when I consider she's just a little girl. Sad for my boys though. :(
I would be shocked if our twins' bio-mom brought them anything, let alone Christmas gifts. Instead, "the twins" are going to give their parents a framed picture and a card.
Last year, my ffks had their first unsupervised visits on Christmas eve. Mom's visit was at the mall. She had nothing for them and told that she was poor and couldn't get gifts. She had them go to the toy store and pick out gifts that she would buy later. They came home talking about how poor mom is and how since we were rich, we should give her mom. (We are not rich, by any means.) It was so sad that their Christmas as all about how poor mom is. They did not say hardly anything about their time with dad and grandma (who had bought them appropriate gifts).
Two weeks later, Mom did get gifts, but not what they picked out. My ffd got a dollar store necklace that she cried about when it broke a few days later. My ffs got a $15 model car that they spent all of the visit time putting together (she left the price tag on). To this day mom favors ffs over ffd. Luckily the kids live with dad now.
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Our fs parents usually skip him esp. at his birthday. We can usually count on the visit near his birthday being cancelled. They do get stuff for his sister and brother though. He has been with us almost 9 years and there has only been about 4 or 5 times he got anything that was even close to being appropriate. This year his visit will possibly be his last as they signed termination papers. Visist supervisor came right out and told them if they did not have a nice new present for him don't bother bringing any for the other kids. Usually he gets broken junk or snacks he shouldn't have and the others get nicer stuff. I cant wait to see if this happens but am really glad that someone finally spoke up. He doesn't care that they don't give him stuff because he is used to not getting from them and he gets plenty from us and our families which is why I think he gets ignored. His brother and sister expect stuff and will get mad if they don't get it.
It's funny how when things initially frustrated me about birth parents, some of them have worked out for the best in the long run. For instance, for FD's bday several months ago, the family showered her and even her brother with A LOT. I felt like it was overkill and way out of whack considering that they barely made it to visits. Well, it turns out that TPR is soon and that bday party many months ago was the last we saw of the family. I am so grateful that the kids can at least remember (or the baby can be told about) one occasion where their birth family really made an effort. They know who really loves them and can be relied on EVERY DAY of their lives, but at least that bday party is one thing that I can point to if they ever feel rejected by their bio family someday. ...not that gifts equate to love, but at least an effort was made to make them happy on one day of their lives.
We too have been dealing with this.
Our fd was sent home with bags and bags of gifts yesterday. I am not sure what to do with all the stuff! It's overwhelming.
Our boys though.... their bios just got an apartment and asked me to start sending things to them. So I gathered some things that I know the boys don't care about, and quietly got them to bio mom. Then she sent me a list of things that were missing, and didn't care if the kids wanted them here, she wanted them at their new apartment. So we had tears, (why are you taking my toy? Where is my toy?), and I had to give them to her. Yesterday the kids went to the new apartment for the first time and WOW! There's my toy! Today they are getting new presents, and I know they won't be bringing them home. So for the next however many weeks, I am going to have to explain why they can't have those toys at their house.
The bios just don't get it. But that's why the kids are in care, right? Because the bios aren't thinking about the kids usually.
I’m appalled with all the negative reply’s to a topic regarding gifting or not gifting from biological parents to their children who are in care. There is no consideration in any of the posts about the parents financial struggles or mental health capacities. It seems that you are all bias in your statements towards these parents and there are no positive suggestions made to help resolve the concerns. I don’t know how you are all foster parents when you don’t exemplifie the meaning of foster in your posts which is to encourage development. I am a mother of 2 children in foster care because I chose to protect my children from an unknown sexual abuser who til today the authorities are still unable to identify. I bet you wouldn’t survive with your children in care for 1 day. Us biological parents have to deal with all your guys judgemental, no empathy ways and I hope one day Heavenly Father will show you all how parenting is suppose to be because speaking badly about your foster kids parents on a public forum is enough for me to see what type of parents you all really are!
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