Meeting my Mother

I found my first mom and never got a response. I know she got my letter because I am reunited with one of my brothers. She just isn't interested for whatever reason in speaking with me. I'm guessing it is the pain of placing me that doesn't let her talk to me.

Thank for reply. Does that mean that your birth mother told her other children about you. I have a feeling that one of the reasons my birth mother won't see is that she has a son (full brother to me) whom she hasn't told about me and does not want him to know. Do you mind me asking if you are able to have a relationship with your brother and not upset your birth mother? Thanks

I've found basically my whole birth family: mother, father, two half brothers and a grandmother. Even though I've found them, I'm so far 0 for 5 in actually meeting anyone...even communicating regularly with most of them. Grandma was told that I died at birth so she doesn't even know I exist. At age 97, it wouldn't be a good thing to show up at her room to say hi. Half brothers both know about me. I'm working on contacting them directly, and so far have met with a lot of silence. Father is doing a reasonably good impersonation of an ostrich..."if I stick my head in the sand, it'll go away." From what I gather this is kind of his MO to not take responsibility for much of anything. Mother is talkative, but it's always about how busy she is. I've brought up the topic of meeting on several different occasions in different ways. It's never really been answered, but she's always willing to remind me how busy she is. And she's retired so it isn't as if she's spending hours at the office. I don't know...sometimes it's hard to know what to think. I'm not a parent who has given a child up for adoption. But it would seem to me through my adoptee bias that someone who has made that choice, then later been contacted by the child would make the time to reunite? Or, if no contact is wanted, then just say so? As I say...sometimes it's hard to know what to think. Best, PADJ

My siblings are all full blood and older than me. I am the youngest of six and I know at least two of them didn't know about me growing up. I don't know what the older ones knew. My sister was 13 when I was born so I'm not sure how she would hide a baby from her, but I guess stranger things right? As far as my brother and I being in reunion, she knows, still believes I'm not hers, and again, whatever. I don't really care if she doesn't like it and neither does he. My other siblings apparently don't want to acknowledge me. The family dynamic there is pretty odd though, not what I am used to at all.

Michelle,My mother was a bmom. She told my sister and me about our half brother and made us promise never to tell our full brother. Her reason for this was ridiculous, but I think it had more to do with her own pride and emotional state. Being a bmom as well, I really had to honor her wishes. A few years after our mom died, we decided to tell our brother. He wants more than anything to find our half brother. Hang in there and keep tabs on your bfamily. Things change sometimes. From what I have learned from other adoptees and birth siblings, they tend to be loyal to the parent. However, they are also more open to reunion sometimes, because they aren't carrying around the emotional burdons from the adoption (I hate to say baggage.) I'm not sure I would have contacted my half brother without asking my mother, but I certainly searched for him. I also have no problem trying to contact him now. It'z really a loyalty thing.

Years ago I met my bgrandmother. Her daughter my bmom lived next door to her. Bmom called her mom wondering who was visiting her. Bgrandmother replied, "She's here would you like to come meet her?" Bmom's answer was no. So I can understand your pain. By the way my aparents kept the name bmom gave me. Brandmother had pictures of her daughter and her two children, a boy and a girl. The girl and I have the same exact first and middle names. Just remember it's not personal.

I found my bmom, a year ago. And she really wants nothing to do with me either. Its a bitter pill to swallow.... She says she cant handle a relationship with me because of the circumstances of HER giving me away. Ive tried several times to reach out to her, to no avail..... But whats meant to be will be..... The way I see it, its her loss, not mine.

It helps to know the circumstances of the meeting and how you approached her. Often a mother is schocked by the unexpected contact and will need to create a safe emotional distance. They can change their minds in a few weeks. They could also have kept you a secret and dont know how to break the news to the family. It doesnt mean they are rejecting you but it can feel that way and be very painful for you. You should have support at this time because your emotions will be on a rollar coatser and you may be surprised at how powerfu they can be. Remember you have a right to feel what you feel and never be ashamed of any emotions that you experience. I have counseled many adoptees through reuions and I find it helps to have an understanding of how an adoptee thinks and feels. There is a unique emotional process at work and few people understand it.

All your replies have put things back into perspective for me. I think I just had a wobble and needed a bit of reassurance and you generous people did that. May 2012 bring us all peace.

I've reunited with my birth family, reunited an adopted daughter with her birthmother and have helped many people along the way with searches. Here's what i have found to be true. Birth Moms are just like any other woman who might have insecurities about meeting a new person. Sometimes birthmothers are SHY. They are just like any other woman who might be insecure about her looks, her station in life, her finances, her clothes, her home, her choices or a variety of other things. She might be too embarrased to talk about the circumstances of your birth. She might be embarrased of who she dated or might have been raped. He might have been married. She might have no clue who the birth father is and doesn't want to admit it. She might feel guilty and be affraid that you are angry with her for giving you away.. These are some simple silly sounding reasons that some birthmoms avoid meeting their birthkids. Yes, there are deeper reasons too. My advice is to keep it LIGHT. Focus on getting to know her as the person she is now. Let her know that you are not so concerned about the circumstances of your birth, but that you want to know about the family traits, etc.

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