needing answers

I doubt a court would overturn an adoption after that much time but the military may be able to help you mediate visitation or something - especially as it was a kinship adoption vs a stranger adoption. There is a law that protects active military personel from judgements against them when they are deployed. Kind regards,Dickons

It might be possible to have a neutral third party contact the parents and see if you could at least begin to get some info such as pics and regular updates about him. It is not likely that there is any way you could get custody of him, but you should think about what is best for him considering he is adopted and has parents( not discounting that you are his biological father). What good would it do for him to be taken from his parents at his age? You would more likely to be able to develop a relationship with him by working with his parents and finding a way to introduce you to him.

I would think that you still have parental rights as the father.

Even though you will have great difficulty finding a legal way to gain custody of your son, I urge you to do everything that you can to develop a relationship with him and become a permanent part of his life. Your rights as a father have been completely ignored - as an adoptee and a mother, I find it impossible to understand how a woman can leave the father of their child out of a decision that is so life-changing for everyone involved. I hope that your son's mother can help facilitate your relationship with him - do you know if she has contact with your son? Could she make introductions and help establish contact for you?

Not consulting you was wrong and unfair. That being said, you should try to have contact with him, but I would rethink the whole custody thing. For one thing, the courts probably wouldn't do it, but more importantly, your son does not know you and you would be taking him away from the only family he has ever known. Unless there is abuse, that would be wrong and could cause your son a lot of pain. Can you imagine a stranger coming in and taking YOU from your family at age 7? Try and think of him and how he would feel not understanding the whole biology thing. My advice is to contact the gparents and let them know that you do not want custody of him and that they can continue to parent him, but that you would like to have some kind of a relationship with him, be it letters/pictures, a visit once in a while, etc. Hope that helps - K

As an adoptee, I am sick of hearing that children are better off with their adoptive family because they are the "only family they have ever known". In my opinion, this is not a good enough reason to prevent a mother or father from parenting their biological child. For one thing, at birth the biological mother is the only mother a baby has ever known and no-one seems to have any qualms about swooping in and taking that baby before the placenta has even been delivered. I am not suggesting that they should just take a child and hand them over but if it was a gradual process, it could be done. My adoptive mother always told me how scared she was that my biological mother would come in the night and kidnap me - I secretly wished it would happen. Obviously, the reality would be different but still... and I'm not saying I didn't love my adoptive parents and family dearly. I am just saying that biology is more important than most people give it credit for and that "a visit once in a while" is not what a biological parent who wants to parent their child should be relegated to.

To UFBuscombe: I understand what you are saying about biology. I agree that the little boy should know his biological father. I just think that just coming from out of no where and taking custody of the child could be very traumatic for the child. I am not trying to downplay the importance of biology, especially with a bdad who WANTS to parent, but it should be gradual and gentle process. Katie

This child is already with its bio family this is a kinship adoption. After 7 years it would be harmful to the child to remove him from the custody of his grandparents and place him with his bio father who in effect is a stranger. There is no primal attachment like there would have been with the birth mother in fact there is no attachment at all with the bio father. The best interest of the child should guide the way. Another placement will be seen as an abandonment and will make attachment to the father even more difficult if not impossible. The child may blame the father and resent him. Changing custody is a bad idea. Considering that, the child has a right to know his father and the father can be brought into the childs life but not as a primary caregiver. The father bond is created socially and they can spend time together and form a secure attachment relationship.

I understand your pain, I have had the same issue, except I found out about my daughter after 16 years after the fact. What i reccommend if you do anything is reach out to the adoptive parents, totally ignore communications with the bio mom. Explain your feelings and hope that they can understand and work with you. If they do that, it will be awesome, and i hope they do that. However if they do not want you to in the relationship, then you need to be ready to acknowledge their wishes and just wait till the child turns 18. Because your rights are non existant as of now. It is hard, (it has been very hard for me to just sit, and not make contaft with my daughter, she knows she is adopted, her parents have communicated with me one time, and they have my contact information. If she wanted to know about me, they have what they need to contact me. when she turns 18 this year, she will receive a letter directly from me. Then at that point the choicwe of any relationship is hers. That is basically what you have to be ready to do. We have to look at what is best for the child, and if we impose ourselves to the child, based off what we want, and what we feel. It could create un needed drama , that would not be best for the child in the long run. Just remain patient, send a letter to the adoptive parents to explain yourself. If they choose not to let you have a relationship, just wait, and send the adoptive parents a letter once a year to let them know you are there, and if you are needed they know how to contact you.

thanks :thanks:

I am not trying to downplay the importance of biology, especially with a bdad who WANTS to parent, but it should be gradual and gentle process. :love: