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Vtwisher,
I think your feelings of loss and anger are normal. So, is wanting to reject your son before he can reject you. I think speaking with a counselor would certainly help. When we were starting our adoption process we went to counseling and this one of the issues we "attempted" to process. The therapist was great in after we (okay mostly me) railed against the injustice of the situation she calmly provided a list a situations where this might have happened with a bio child. Then she said something I wrote down, "even when your kids hurt you and disappoint you have to find a way to be the parent they need around it."
Your son is 21 And life is long.
((((hugs))))
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Yes, life is long, hopefully.
Betrayal can often be felt by any, or all, especially during a reunion.
I was a "callous betrayer" with my search as well. I was 40, didn't tell my mommy and daddy at first for reasons that were good to me.
I knew my mom, she would need to have a lot of control over these new relationships I was building, over my feelings and thoughts. I knew she had no need or want to build relationships with them, had never once shown any interest in them. Other than the fear she tried so hard to hide all my life at the thought that I might want to know them.
I knew they would be upset at my wanting to know more about my entire family, they could barely talk about it. For decades I knew, learned, my answer should be "I'm fine, it's all fine, doesn't bother me, don't need to know, it's all good, your my real Mom and Dad." They loved hearing that, so that's what I gave them, because I love them. I didn't want to loose them, i wanted them to feel like my Mom and Dad, I could tell they needed my help with that all along. I knew they would feel less like real parents to me when I announced that I wanted to know more, or that I did know more - when I popped the bubble. It would not have mattered how I went about popping that bubble, popping it was the offense.
I wanted to be myself when I met people, wanted to be open and ask and say things directly. Relationships are between two people, others may be involved, but a relationship can only be between two. I wanted my emotions and feelings to be free, and private in each relationship. If my parents were involved from the beginning I would have had to alter my behaviour so that they would not be upset. I would have missed out on a lot of bonding and having people know me as a family member, the whole me, and I them.
I knew my parents would be upset that I am interested in everyone, that I have love for them, that I have a real connection to them, that I had always missed them, thought about them, that I call my sister my sister, my brother my brother, my mother my mother, my father my father. How else would I refer to my sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin?
Why would I feel betrayed by my Mom and Dad?
They obviously don't know, like I know, that they are my Mom and Dad, no matter who I know or where I am. They made it so difficult for me to search and find and get to know others. They put me in the middle, they make me feel guilty, indebted, disloyal, they do the same to my kids.
They treated me as if I had broken some contract I had made with them. Their love is not always unconditional, as a parents love should be IMO. They were not strong enough to stand beside me at the most difficult and vunerable time of my life, because they made it about them, when it could have been about me too. I needed them to help me with this my whole life, they chose instead to take and believe the easy answer they groomed me to give. Because it made them feel better, it was obviously about them, that is still plain for me to see in my situation, always has been.
I do feel betrayed, I needed them to be stronger. 10 years into my reunion I still must watch what I say so I don't make them feel jealous, angry, betrayed or insecure in our parent/adult child relationships, old adults at that! I must behave in a certain way to make them feel safe and real in our 50 year long relationships. :(
It's sad, but it speaks worlds to me, I know who they are to me, but they don't seem to have such a good handle on it, maybe never did. Maybe most of it was fake all along, conditional.:(
They are the only ones that ever made me feel like I might not be a real daughter to them, no one else.
They never told me that part, that if I searched and reunited that I was betraying them. They should have told me all along, they should have been honest too.
Sorry your parents didn't react well Beth.
I have to wonder if your mom had a place like this 50 years ago if things would have been different. That she'd know even as a mom, it's okay to not be "happy" about your reunion and entitled to her feelings about it. Yet find help on how to deal with it so she still supports you.
I think in your case, it's different in that you haven't turned your back on one family during reunion with your other family. I don't see reunion in itself as betrayal.
Unfortunately, for some moms, they have kids that basically do a big "screw you" upon finding their bfamilies. It's not just an act of reunion. I can see betrayal in that for sure. These moms need support and a place to say what they need to say. It's not all roses as everyone tells us, right? As you said, reunion is hard on everyone and that's why it's important we all have a safe place to be able to say so.
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I think as an aparent you really can't know how you will react to a "reunion" until you are in the midst of it. The idea of your child walking away from you is terrifying and I think some people are much better prepared to deal with it than others.
For example my MIL's had panic attacks so intense during the days leading up to husband and I getting married she had to be sedated for our wedding day. She doesn't have mental health issues or anything and although intelluctually she heard my husband say,"Mom, I am not going anywhere," the wedding freaked her out. At the time I was super exhausted and annoyed.
Fast forward many years to me crying this Christmas when my husband says, "We better get some video we might not have that many Christmas when our DD is home.". I honestly felt my heart squeeze in my chest and the tears started rolling. "Not home?". "Where would she be?".
So I told my husband later that Santa brought me some compassion for his mom this Christmas. Also, I got that I might not be as cool and open about my open adoption as I profess to be.
My DD is only 10 months and I am happy to have some time to work on the sharing of her as she grows.
I think as an aparent you really can't know how you will react to a "reunion" until you are in the midst of it. The idea of your child walking away from you is terrifying and I think some people are much better prepared to deal with it than others.
For example my MIL's had panic attacks so intense during the days leading up to husband and I getting married she had to be sedated for our wedding day. She doesn't have mental health issues or anything and although intelluctually she heard my husband say,"Mom, I am not going anywhere," the wedding freaked her out. At the time I was super exhausted and annoyed.
Fast forward many years to me crying this Christmas when my husband says, "We better get some video we might not have that many Christmas when our DD is home.". I honestly felt my heart squeeze in my chest and the tears started rolling. "Not home?". "Where would she be?".
So I told my husband later that Santa brought me some compassion for his mom this Christmas. Also, I got that I might be as cool and open about my open adoption as I profess to be.
My DD is only 10 months and I am happy to have some time to work on the sharing of her as she grows.
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vtwisher
I've been searching for more than 3 years for a support group for my particular issue. I hope I've found the right one. However, in reading the many posts here at adoption.com, I've noticed that no one seems to have quite the problem I have.
My son, age 25 and in the Army, was adopted when he ws 3 days old. Yes, we are older adoptive parents, but we have loved our son since day one. Three years ago, while he was deployed to Iraq, I received a one line email from him stating, "can you send me the name of the adoption agency...the search begins....lol". That was the beginning of a very downward spiral for his and my relationship.
We have always been out front and open about his adoption and answered all the age appropriate questions he's ever had. We told him everything truthfully, lovingly and supportively. Never did he ever exhibit the least bit of interest or desire to search for his birth mother until that email. After talking to my husband that day, we sent him the information he asked for, only to find out some days later that he had already....before emailing me asking for the agency....found the agency himself and had made contact with his birth mother through the agency who was holding a letter from her for him in case he ever contacted them. Needless to say, I was hurt and devastated, not because he even wanted to search, but for the way he went about it, totally behind my back. Since then, things have gotten worse. He has two step-sisters who he refers to as his sisters (he was our only child) and to make things truly worse, he took off the Christmas he arrived back from Iraq to go be with his birth family for the holidays. Since then, there are always posts back and forth on his Facebook between him and his birth mother, and she is always acting like his mother, giving advice and encouragement right after I do. In my mind, I see this as her trying to one up me. She even refers to him as her son.
When my son did this hurtful search and reconnection the way he did it, I felt something die inside of me. It took me no time to realize that there is no one out there in the world of adoption who is concerned or cares about the adoptive parents. When all this happened, I contacted the adoption agency and was told, in no uncertain terms, that he is 21 and he can do what he wants. AND they reiterated many times that their only concern in any adoption in order of importance is first the birth mother, second, the child, third the adoptive parents. We told them that we felt like we were nothing more than a walking ATM to them and that no one cares about us when we need caring about as much as the birth mother and child do, and especially when we are being told to just deal with whatever has happened because our child has a right to do what he did.
Over the last 3 years, my own relationship with my son has become very fragile. I know there are adoptive parents who claim they are okay with their child searching and reconnecting and even support this, but I don't feel the same way. Maybe its because of the way my son did this that's really torn us apart, but I need someone to talk to about this before I lose my mind. I still love my son, but I no longer crave his presence or even care if I see him. Looking at him reminds me of what he did and how he now has this other family that is clearly important enough to him to call them his sisters, and maybe he even calls his birth mother Mom....I don't know. I've asked him, but he's a good liar and I don't believe him when he says he only calls her by her name. I have told him that I am hurt and that this has affected our relationship in ways he cannot begin to imagine. He tells me I'm being stupid. I've told him that, had he ever just come to us and presented his wishes to find his birth mother, that we would have been supportive and would have hoped he'd want to share meeting her and her family with us. He just laughed me off and said that if he wanted to go see them, he'd just go....he didn't need us to do that.
So, he has just been returned again from a second Iraq deployment and spent his leave at home with us. But I didn't enjoy one minute of it, knowing that he has so much going on behind our backs with his birth family. I literally couldn't wait till he returned to base. When he did this to us three years ago, I literally had anxiety issues that I've never had before and had to be under a doctor's care for it. Whenever my son is around me now, I am filled with this anxiety again and need to reach out to my medication, just to deal with the affects his actions have taken on my heart. As I said, deep inside I love my son, but I feel so much has died as a result of his actions, culminating in my feelings of rejection and being pushed to the background of his life. My husband feels the same in some ways, but not nearly as deeply as I do. Afterall, it wasn't his birth father he secretly searched for, it was his birth mother, and therefore affected me more deeply.
I don't know what I really need. Maybe I'm just hoping that someone on this forum has had similar issues that they have dealt with. I have searched my soul and I am sure I'm not feeling anger as much as I am hurt by what he has so callously done to this family. If there's anyone out there who knows what I'm feeling, I sure would love to have some feedback and support.
Same thing happend to our family this year. We adopted our son at birth after he was our foster child first. Most of his life he did seem a bit upset inside. I knew he had issues with adoption and tried many times to talk with him about it, but he just did not open up. Then Thanksgiving time he and his half sister, who i hellped him find a couple years before, connected with their birth grandparents. he has a picture of them and him on his facebook. He has hardly communicated with us since and we are in the dark as to why. People say that he is just going through some things. But I am going through some things too. I feel like he died and we did not have a funeral. I have been on an emotioinal roller coaster since. He did not come home for Thanksgiving, not a word at Christmas either. I know how you feel
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vtwisher
I've been searching for more than 3 years for a support group for my particular issue. I hope I've found the right one. However, in reading the many posts here at adoption.com, I've noticed that no one seems to have quite the problem I have.
My son, age 25 and in the Army, was adopted when he ws 3 days old. Yes, we are older adoptive parents, but we have loved our son since day one. Three years ago, while he was deployed to Iraq, I received a one line email from him stating, "can you send me the name of the adoption agency...the search begins....lol". That was the beginning of a very downward spiral for his and my relationship.
We have always been out front and open about his adoption and answered all the age appropriate questions he's ever had. We told him everything truthfully, lovingly and supportively. Never did he ever exhibit the least bit of interest or desire to search for his birth mother until that email. After talking to my husband that day, we sent him the information he asked for, only to find out some days later that he had already....before emailing me asking for the agency....found the agency himself and had made contact with his birth mother through the agency who was holding a letter from her for him in case he ever contacted them. Needless to say, I was hurt and devastated, not because he even wanted to search, but for the way he went about it, totally behind my back. Since then, things have gotten worse. He has two step-sisters who he refers to as his sisters (he was our only child) and to make things truly worse, he took off the Christmas he arrived back from Iraq to go be with his birth family for the holidays. Since then, there are always posts back and forth on his Facebook between him and his birth mother, and she is always acting like his mother, giving advice and encouragement right after I do. In my mind, I see this as her trying to one up me. She even refers to him as her son.
When my son did this hurtful search and reconnection the way he did it, I felt something die inside of me. It took me no time to realize that there is no one out there in the world of adoption who is concerned or cares about the adoptive parents. When all this happened, I contacted the adoption agency and was told, in no uncertain terms, that he is 21 and he can do what he wants. AND they reiterated many times that their only concern in any adoption in order of importance is first the birth mother, second, the child, third the adoptive parents. We told them that we felt like we were nothing more than a walking ATM to them and that no one cares about us when we need caring about as much as the birth mother and child do, and especially when we are being told to just deal with whatever has happened because our child has a right to do what he did.
Over the last 3 years, my own relationship with my son has become very fragile. I know there are adoptive parents who claim they are okay with their child searching and reconnecting and even support this, but I don't feel the same way. Maybe its because of the way my son did this that's really torn us apart, but I need someone to talk to about this before I lose my mind. I still love my son, but I no longer crave his presence or even care if I see him. Looking at him reminds me of what he did and how he now has this other family that is clearly important enough to him to call them his sisters, and maybe he even calls his birth mother Mom....I don't know. I've asked him, but he's a good liar and I don't believe him when he says he only calls her by her name. I have told him that I am hurt and that this has affected our relationship in ways he cannot begin to imagine. He tells me I'm being stupid. I've told him that, had he ever just come to us and presented his wishes to find his birth mother, that we would have been supportive and would have hoped he'd want to share meeting her and her family with us. He just laughed me off and said that if he wanted to go see them, he'd just go....he didn't need us to do that.
So, he has just been returned again from a second Iraq deployment and spent his leave at home with us. But I didn't enjoy one minute of it, knowing that he has so much going on behind our backs with his birth family. I literally couldn't wait till he returned to base. When he did this to us three years ago, I literally had anxiety issues that I've never had before and had to be under a doctor's care for it. Whenever my son is around me now, I am filled with this anxiety again and need to reach out to my medication, just to deal with the affects his actions have taken on my heart. As I said, deep inside I love my son, but I feel so much has died as a result of his actions, culminating in my feelings of rejection and being pushed to the background of his life. My husband feels the same in some ways, but not nearly as deeply as I do. Afterall, it wasn't his birth father he secretly searched for, it was his birth mother, and therefore affected me more deeply.
I don't know what I really need. Maybe I'm just hoping that someone on this forum has had similar issues that they have dealt with. I have searched my soul and I am sure I'm not feeling anger as much as I am hurt by what he has so callously done to this family. If there's anyone out there who knows what I'm feeling, I sure would love to have some feedback and support.
Same thing happend to our family this year. We adopted our son at birth after he was our foster child first. Most of his life he did seem a bit upset inside. I knew he had issues with adoption and tried many times to talk with him about it, but he just did not open up. Then Thanksgiving time he and his half sister, who i hellped him find a couple years before, connected with their birth grandparents. he has a picture of them and him on his facebook. He has hardly communicated with us since and we are in the dark as to why. People say that he is just going through some things. But I am going through some things too. I feel like he died and we did not have a funeral. I have been on an emotioinal roller coaster since. He did not come home for Thanksgiving, not a word at Christmas either. I know how you feel
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I would say that since I am on the other side and my son has connected with his birth grandparents and maybe even his birth mom, I think it would have hurt a lot less if he would have stayed in contact with us. I was in full support of him meeting his birth family. I told him "I am happy for you but a little sad for me" He said" it does not make a difference your still the one who took care of me" I said you make it sound like I just babysat you all of those years. He said he did not mean it that way. then he text, i love you, which he never has said. I told him, this is not about me its about you. to which he replied thank you. Well I should eat my words, we have not heard anything from him since he met up with his grandparents, I even have their number and have tried to call them to see if something unusual happened with the visit. If he would have talked with me after, told me his feelings and included us in his life the pain we are now going through would not be as bad as it is.
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TO EZ2LUV
I like what you had to say I was wondering when you said "just know that you raised him and your love has not changed" has your love for your A parents changed? Could they have done anything different to make your life better?
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Hello Kattycat,
I haven't been looking at the forums too much lately, but you were one person I wanted to get back to to see how things were going for you after you posted your experience of betrayal with your son. I would like to hear how you are and if things have changed in any way for you.
Kattycat
TO EZ2LUV
I like what you had to say I was wondering when you said "just know that you raised him and your love has not changed" has your love for your A parents changed? Could they have done anything different to make your life better?
The love I have for my aparents grows stronger and stronger every day. I see how they did the best they could to raise my abrother and I and I am grateful for that. I really do not believe they could have done anything differently. All any of us can do is the best we can. We can love a child and set a foundation for them but what they do, the decisions they make is all up to them. Our hope is that because that foundation of love is there that one day they will realize that is what brought them through.
How many of us look back at when we were younger and though something out praents did or night not have done was so wrong? One day as we got older we suddenly find ourselves seeing it their way and how wise they were . I pray that your son comes around and figures such things out.
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This topic is something that I needed to read and am so glad I found. It addresses feelings I already have even though I have yet to experience this particular situation. I'm strongly led to believe that this will happen because lately the conversations with our 16 year old adopted son have revealed his feelings and what may eventually come.
All I can say is that if an adopted child grew up in a home filled with love, laughter, guidance and protection then there is no excuse for that child to walk away from the mother who loved that child as if he or she were their own flesh and blood just because they have reunited with the mother who actually is.
Reunification should be a wonderful experience shared by all. Not a time to trade one mother for another. As an adult, the adopted man or woman should know better and take into consideration the heartache that this will cause upon the adoptive mother. A mother who gave unconditional love to a child who may not have come through her but was miraculously brought to her.
I prepare myself for the day that this may happen to me but pray that this particular day never comes.
Loving hugs to everyone.
Adoptive Mothers, Birth Mothers, Daughters and Sons!
My thoughts and prayers are with you vtwisher and with your son.
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Lucyjoy, I wanted to let you know that my and my husband's relationship with our son is now non-existent. Our 'son' opted to go to be with his birth mother and birth family for a 30 day leave which included Mother's Day, and this was the last straw for me. My heart cannot take anymore, and he was confronted about how he has destroyed our family. I just plainly told him that I cannot have him hurting me anymore, cannot...and will not...accept his scraps of time that he tosses our way, always opting for his birth family over us, the parents who raised and loved and cared for him for 25 years. Right or wrong, I've had to sever ties with him if I am to survive the onslaught of pain he continually causes me. My husband is in complete agreement on all of this, realizing that we have never been enough and have never been what our 'son' wanted or wants in a family. I guess having a plethora of cousins and two half sisters and a bio mom who will sit on a bar stool with him at happy hours at bars is more important than anything or anyone else in the world. For me, adoption has been a nightmare, and I no longer support it, nor will I ever recommend it or suggest it to anyone. Sorry to vent....but I know you had posted feelings so very similar to mine. Thanks for listening.
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I'm sorry to hear that things worked out this way. You have to do what you think is best. While I do very much understand your feelings, I feel sad that you chose not to leave an opening for your son to have a relationship with you later.
My son has continued to refuse to speak to me since his brother's death 6 months ago and despite every lie he and his birth family said about me, if he chose to walk back into my life today, I'd gladly let him in.
Like I said before, it is painful and I do not insert myself where I am not wanted but I don't close myself off either.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by my sons choice to be with his bfamily over me(I never asked him to choose one way or the other, the birth family insisted he choose). Even if he never considers me his mother, he will always be my son.
I certainly hope your choice eases some of your pain and I hope it's not something that brings you regret later. My feelings about adoption are much different then when I started this journey.
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Lucyjoy,
I misled you. While I have had to tell my son that I cannot deal with this hurt anymore, I have also told him that, if he ever wakes up and sees what he's throwing away, that the door could be opened again. While his actions have left me and my husband feeling like unpaid caregivers all these years, he is still deep within my heart and soul. He has damaged so much and literally destroyed the most precious thing he could ever have, and knowing that he may never even care to try to change that part of himself that's so narcisistic and destructive, I still think about him every hour of the day. Its just that I cannot put myself out there again to be put a place where I am constantly and forever hurt and pushed aside. It just hurts too badly. However, I know that day will never come because he is only happy when he's doing and getting exactly what he wants. That's the definition of a narsisistic personality (please forgive my spelling!!). I have little hope of that ever happening. And, just minutes after he was confronted about all this, he posted photos of him, his bmother, cousins, and half-sisters, all together partying at a bar. Smiles galore on his face. So how upset was or is he about all this, really? What I've come to realize is that there is no such thing as a closed adoption. Oh, adoption agencies toot about closed adoptions, but its really a misnomer. Once that child turns 21, everything is open and there's nothing you can say or do about it. I feel that sets up just about any adoption for future disaster. I feel for all these unsuspecting and potential adoptive parents if they ever feel something like this won't happen to them. It very well could. I hope they know what they're getting themselves into.