Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal

Posts like sadmommy's and vtwisher are so sad. They are also why adoptees don't talk about these things with their parents. Yes, we hear you say that you are supportive of us and that you understand if we need to search. What we also hear quite clearly (although you don't say it verbally) is that you absolutely don't want us to search, that you will be deeply hurt, that you won't understand at all, and that you may even force us out of your lives as a result.As a child, I became very good at picking up these non-verbal communications. I knew I needed to say what they wanted to hear if I expected to stay part of THEIR family.

Lucyjoy My feelings about adoptions have totally changed also. As before I would say it's a great thing go do it now I will say Don't! If I knew back than what I know now I would never adopt again. I would just stay a foster mother. That way I would have looked at it as more of a job , that I am getting paid to take care of someone else's child for a certain period of time. Why go thru the whole process of adopting , spend all the money, go to court have them make new birth certificate that shows us as the birth parents and really take in this baby as our own?

I am sorry that you are hurting. I strongly suggest that you find a therapist who can hep you through this time in your life. Your child loves you, and you should not allow your feelings to damage your relationship any further. I can only hope that you have not said the hurtful things you posted here to your daughter.It sounds like you are saying that you would not have adopted if you knew your child would one day search for her birth parents. You adopted a child, you did not purchase her. She is not a puppy or a doll. She is a human being with natural questions about where she came from and why she is the way she is. Some of her is embedded in the genetic code her birth parents gave her. Some of her is the way that you and her father raised her. She has two sets of parents. One gave her life, the other taught her how to live it. She needs to know both sets to understand which pieces belong to which parents, and which are hers alone.

Most parents do not go into the idea of adoption because they want to share a child with some other mother. They want a child, they want to be parents. When you adopt, you are NOT told that your child will want his other parents. There is so much more information now then there was when I adopted so parents can go in with a more open concept and a different understanding. Open adoptions are more common now then they use to be. Call us selfish or whatever, but it very much hurts to have your child decide they want their other mother. Sure, in our heads we can know all the reasoning behind it, but it doesn't make it easier. And very often, the kids decide they only want one set of parents. My son's birth family pressured him greatly to cut ties with us as we were NOT his real family. It's easy to read these boards and say we don't get it and our kids need this or that-we are also human with feelings and very often are discarded-it's not uncommon, sadly. I never asked my kids to choose between families and still don't. Some of them have chosen. And it's not even about would I do this again(though I may have said that in an earlier post as my son died last year and I was angry and hurt). But I'd understand things differently now. It's not about undoing so much as trying to deal with the broken heart and the feelings that show up even if you tell them not to. And this is what we're expressing here-the pain and the feelings of rejection by our children. Doesn't mean we treat them differently, just means we treat our own hearts with more caution.

I am very interested to know, what were you told when you adopted your child, and what did you believe? I am also interested to know, what do you believe now?

That is what I had been praying for to, that that day would never come. my son who is 6 years older than my daughter never cared about who his bio parents are and still doesn't. so I was hoping for the same from my daughter. but didn't happen. good luck.

dickons , I am working on it.

What did they tell us when we adopted? That our children had abusive, drug addicted parents that couldn't stay out of jail and needed forever families. I just wanted to be a mom. I thought I would raise them and love them and they'd be my family forever. My interenationally adopted kids never speak of their birth families or show the slightest interest in who they are. One son looked for his mom because his sister(raised in a different family) wanted to know-he found her serving life in prison so didn't bother any further. Not sure how to answer your question-and the timing isn't good for me. Would I adopt again? Probably. I am drawn to large sibling groups. I'd realize, though, that no matter what happened, I'd always be second best-not the mom they want to be with but the one they need to have anyway. It might protect my heart a bit. I don't suppose it really matters at this point.

I meant, what did the agencies tell you about adopting children, in general? Did they ever mention that people have a natural urge to know where they came from? Did they tell you that people are part biology and part environment? Did they tell you that your children might one day search for answers? Conversely, did they tell you that children are a blank slate and for their parents to write upon? I ask out of genuine curiousity, and I appreciate your candid answers.

NO, they told us none of those things. They told us how the kids past trauma might effect them. They did mention the loss of siblings. It would have been nice to know then what I know now. We were not given the impression the kids were a blank slate. And I did respect my childrens decision to know their birthparents. I just didn't realize that they may decide that once they reunited, we were no longer of any importance. Not all of my children did this, but some did and it was unexpected and extremely painful.

She has two sets of parents. One gave her life, the other taught her how to live it. She needs to know both sets to understand which pieces belong to which parents, and which are hers alone.:cheer: [FONT="Comic Sans MS"]That is the best quote that sums up why we seek our bio parents!! To all parents who are hurt and confused, they need to understand this message.[/FONT]

OMG the statement you said at the end "She has two sets of parents. One gave her life, the other taught her how to live it. She needs to know both sets to understand which pieces belong to which parents, and which are hers alone." Sums up why we seek out our bio parents!!

This is such a great thread. helps me to understand more about the afamily's fears and other feelings. Thank you all for sharing.

ugh. our adoption was just finalized. i just started reading this thread and it suddenly hit me: our kid could totally go out there at 21 and we really would not have been anything but unpaid sitters for those first 18 years. we were not told about that. truly, the information that we were given largely pertained to helping children reach adulthood in one piece. after reading this thread, i'm praying the mom stays in jail or od's. that's sick, right? my husband and i cannot have children and i have often wondered how potential grandchildren will be considered. will we be the grandparents? will the birth mom have all the "rights"? adoption can be so beautiful. but it is also very ugly.

My son is two, so I have yet to deal with reunion. However, I think that, as is true of many things, much of this depends on your perspective. You seem to be looking at the relationship as either/ or (you vs bmom). The scenario you are talking about is much more likely if you make your child choose. My son's adoption is semi-open, with no contact from his bparents, but I am still very aware that I am not his only mother. I am very much his mom, but so is his bmom, and bdad is also his father. I hope that I am able to never make him choose between us, because no matter whether I or his bfamily "won" that contest, my son would lose. The good news in all of this is that you have years to come to terms with this possibility. Can you raise and relate to your child in such a way that you always (even when they are not in the picture) accept that she or he may love and want to have relationship with bfamily? Will you see this as a rejection of you, or can you accept that it is normal and healthy, and respond with love? If not, now is a great time to start working on those skills in order to give your child the support they need and, for you, make it less likely that it will become a contest you might lose.