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Many times a life event is what triggers the need to actually resolve questions. Deploying to Iraq to me would be a huge life event knowing there was a chance he would not return. Having your mortality hit you in the face as a young adult would be massively triggering. Having my mortality slap me in the face in my early 40's almost did me in - I cannot imagine how it would have been in my early 20's or how I would have reacted.
Your child may also have read non-verbal cues from you telling him you wouldn't be comfortable - they could be valid or not, but it would have been what he felt. Tough situtation to be in as an adoptee not wanting to hurt his parents who he loves very much - and I can guarantee you that the wish not to hurt you is in the majority, how could it not be when your parents are loving and kind. Hard to talk about it. Can you remember whether you ever discussed his searching as a child?
For what its worth - quite often the relationship improves after all the secrets are gone if both want that. Mom always told me that forgiveness is key to peace and happiness. I think you need to determine exactly what you feel he has done wrong, and see if it was done deliberately to hurt you.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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