Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I have also hesitated about posting because my experience is not the same as yours. I am the adoptive mother of a 5 year old boy. We have a completely open adoption. That doesn't mean my son has another parent, it just means that he knows his birth mom. He has been to her house and he sees her a few times year. I have had to integrate the idea of the "other mother" into my life from the very beginning. I had to learn to accept at the beginning that I am the mom who is a parent, who is shaping his life, his values, making decisions about everything including his education, where he livves and what he eats. but I am not the mother who shares his genes and who carried him. That woman will have a relationship with him throughout his life as well. I don't yet know that that relationship will be, and I don't know who he will identify with most when he is an adult. It is my hope that he will see us as 2 whole people, 2 real mothers, who make up the whole of what it means to be a mother for him. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to come to a new mindset after raising your child to adulthood. I don't know if it is possible or not. Reading this might seem like s stab in the heart...like a person like me is not really a real mom. but I do feel every bit like my son's real mom. I had to make room in my heart for his birth family in order for me to have peace and to try and help my son navigate through his adoption experience. I hope that perhaps this is helpful in some way. To see that letting something new in does not mean losing anything that you already have. I hope you can find peace in your heart about this and that you and your son can move forward in your relationship.