Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal

While I understand that ideally you would have liked/preferred for your son to be open with you about his search/reunion, I think for many adoptees, it really is a personal journey and being an adult when he made this decision, it was really his choice. Do you think he intentionally meant to hurt you? I'm not getting that from what you wrote. I think he probably had a lot of conflicting feelings and worries and loyalty issues that made it hard to include you. And I agree with Dickons that he could have been picking up on some subconscious or non-verbal cues that as much as you were open with him, you would not be comfortable with the reality of his search/reunion and I'm not convinced that including you would have you feeling much differently, even though I know you are hurt by that. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm blaming you, because I'm not, and I understand you are upset. Reunion brings up all sorts of unresolved issues and feelings in everyone. Perhaps you are displacing your anger onto your son rather than looking inside at some of these more intense emotions. A good therapist can help you work through these feelings. I know it's hard, but try not to see this as a competition. You raised your son and nobody can replace you as the mother who raised him. However, your son's birth mother is also his mother. Not his mother in the sense of being his everyday parent, but one of his mothers nonetheless. Signing over your legal rights to your child does not negate your motherhood, no matter what the agencies or society says. And who would honestly want to obliterate another woman's motherhood so they could become a mother? I come from this from a different angle, too, as a mother (I tend not to qualify my motherhood by using prefixes like "birth" or "first") who was in a semi-open adoption with my son and his parents. I am now in reunion. I don't know to what extent he discusses me with them. It's really none of my business, as that is between my son and his folks. I do hope to meet his parents some day, when I feel ready to do so and so long as he and his parents wish for this as well. I'll be very honest here and say that as a grown man, I really am glad my son didn't have his parents involved in our reunion. I have always felt positively about his parents, but nevertheless, I believe reunion, at least initially, should really be between the adoptee and the family members he or she is reconnecting with. For the same reason, I have not gotten anyone else in MY family involved in our reunion at this point. This type of involvement, even if it's only letting others be privy to the details of the search and reunion, can often complicate matters (for instance, if you don't know if the reunion will be successful, you may hold off on telling anyone so as not to get hopes up, etc. or have people constantly asking questions about it). My son does occasionally refer to me as "mom" and I've always called him my son because that is what he is. When we first reunited, I asked him if he was OK with that, because if he wasn't, I wouldn't refer to him as my son in front of him, but when referring to him to friends or family, he is my son, period. This is really something you cannot control in another person, how they refer to another loved-one. When his parents and I were communicating over the years, they said something so lovely to me. They said "You can and should consider yourself his Number One Mom." I was blown away by that, by their generosity of spirit. At the same time, I also wanted to make clear to my son's mother that in no way do I feel I can ever replace her in my son's life, but I was very touched by her willingness to see me as a Mother in my own right. I did not expect my son to call me "mom" or think of me as his mom. He most often does not call me "mom" but every once in awhile he will, or he will say things like "I have two moms" and that truly is the reality. Having said that, I don't know how it would be for his mom to see all this laid out on Facebook. I try not to give my son "motherly advice," but sometimes I think I do. Once he told me "chill out mom" and I knew I was being overly-worried about something. I would not want my son's mom to be upset by this, and I don't know that I'd put all that out on FB or "rub it in her face," but I'm not going to act differently towards my son in terms of how the two of us relate in our personal relationship. How your son conducts himself with his birth mother or what he is comfortable calling her or his other family members is really his decision to make at this point. I'm sure it's much easier to deal with in theory than it is in actual practice. A few things to keep in mind is that the intensity of early reunion won't always be so intense and the feelings will die down. You will always be family, but you are really risking alienating him by not working through the issues that have come up for you (i.e. jealousy, feeling displaced, etc.). These are all normal feelings, but it's affecting the way you see your son and I'm afraid if not handled correctly, you will either drive your son away or put him in a position where he will feel he has to choose between his two families. If you have not had any contact with his biological family, I imagine this is all the more intense for you. I had a comfort level with my son's parents and they knew me at least somewhat through pictures and letters sent over the years. I think this made it much easier for everyone to feel comfortable with the fact that my son has more than one family. I would highly recommend speaking with someone, a counselor, or therapist, and someone preferably versed in adoption issues. A triad support group might also be very beneficial for you to help understand what everyone goes through in reunion. I'm really surprised at your agency's response to you. My agency facilitates support groups for all members of the triad going through search and reunion. ETA: I re-read your post and wanted to come back to this: Rather than seeing it as "one-upmanship" is it possible that your son's birth mother is simply on the same page as you and is trying to be inclusive rather than antagonistic? I'm not sure why you are putting a negative spin on that. Perhaps if you could give some examples, that would be helpful. In terms of referring to him as her son, what should she call him? I sent my son a Christmas card this year (to his parents house, nonetheless) that was a "son" card and talked about what a blessing it is to have a son like him. It has nothing whatsoever to do with trying to "one up" his mom or disrespect her in any way. It's not even about her at all. It's about my feelings for my son and what it means to me to be reunited. I would really try to come to terms with this. It can only help you in the long run, as if you son marries, he will have yet ANOTHER family (in-laws), who will also love him and hopefully think of him as a son.