Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal

Like most people, I've hesitated to respond, because I'm not sure if my input will be helpful. My son is only 8 months, and his bparents have chosen not to have much contact right now (I send updates, but that's all), so I haven't been through what you're going through. I am not an adoptee, so my perspective is a little different, but I think I may understand a little of what your son has gone through.I was raised by my mom and her family with almost no contact with my father's family growing up. My mom was always open about and to that side of my family, and actually tried to keep us connected with grandparents to some extent, but it wasn't the same as with her family. I have no interest in contacting my father (I know him well enough that I am very careful not to let information get to him). However, especially since starting my adoption journey, I have had a lot of interest in getting to know some of his family. I don't remember many of them well, but I know names and have found some of them on facebook, even if I haven't connected. I haven't talked about this with my mom. I have no idea how to, and I worry about how she would react. I've always been so much a part of my mom's family, I don't know that she would understand why I wanted this, and I worry that she would feel exactly the betrayal that you've talked about. However, it isn't about her. It's about me and who I am, which includes where I came from, and wanting a connection with that. Everybody has the right to a connection with all their families, and I agree that it could be very damaging to the relationship to not accept that, however difficult it is. I'm in my 30's and I'm a counselor, and I still haven't a clue how to talk to my mom about this one particular subject. I can only imagine how hard it must be for your son to navigate as a man in his 20s going through some other major life stressors like deployment.I know it's hard, but try giving both yourself and your son a break in this. He probably didn't mean to hurt you, but you were hurt anyway. He has likely been hurt, too, even though that was not your intent. You are both going to make mistakes in this process, and that's okay. You're doing exactly the right thing by talking about it and getting support.