Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. I hope you can find someone that you can talk to (maybe professionally?) So that you can start to rebuild a relationship with your son. I debated replying, because I don't want it to come across like I'm not validating how you feel or defending your son. I also haven't walked in your shoes. I'm an adoptive parent, but our situations are very different-my son is just 11 months old, and as we have an open adoption, so he won't need to find his birth family some day. He has a picture of his firstmom and her daughter (who we call his sister) in his nursery-so very different perspective. But I do know how strange it is that there is another woman who is also his mother. It's one of those parts of adoption that we know that hose outside the adoption world don't experience. I cannot imagine what it would be like to get an email from Iraq about something so important (when I'd imagine you were already full of emotions about his deployment) or to find out he'd already found his birthmom. Yes, absolutely there could've been a better way, but a lot of us tend to make mistakes with sensitive subjects. And maybe he was 25 and a soldier, but still just an immature kid maybe when talking about serious topics with his parents (I'm 41 and still have times when I need to talk to my dad about something and feel 15!) he handled it wrong. But you can't change that now. You're going to have to find a way to forgive that if you're going to be able to rebuild your relationship with him. Maybe he was afraid to tell you Because he thought it would hurt you (I realize he hurt you anyway), especially if you'd never talked about him searching one day. Maybe he intended to hide it (to protect you) and once he found the agency decided he needed to let you know and shot off he email. Again, not handled the right way, but what is done is done.I've read enough on here from adults who were adopted to know that their desire to find their birth parents is totally separate/ has nothing to do with how they feel about their adoptive parents. And my experience with my 36 year-old cousin, who found her birthmom and her sister in her 30s, supports that as well. It's possible to have the same love, same closeness with your adoptive parents post reunion...and I hope that you and your son are able to get there.I cannot imagine the hurt, But he is still your son. Please talk to someone so that you can move past how this all happened and not miss any more quality time wih your son. You all are in the next phase of relationship-the two adults instead of parent child-and I love that phase with my dad! It doesn't mean that I don't make decisions and choices that he doesn't like, but it does mean we have to navigate how we accept each other regardless--Nd seeing his respect for me as an adult-even when I choose outside of what he would want-In additioN to his live for me As his child is priceless! Your son needs you, and you've earned this! Good luck to you.