Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal

I am not in your shoes but I have that same feeling of betrayal and have been searching for two years for somewhere to get a grip on it. I found this site today. In my case, my husband had a one night stand that resulted in a pregnancy. He had no relationship with his daughter. He had seen her a couple of times. The mom got married and my husband had signed over his parental rights so her husband could adopt his daughter. My husband had married. His wife had two daughters when they married and they had one together. They divorced after 5 years. I had four kids when we married and we have one together. We had done such a great job at blending our families. They all are brothers and sisters, including his two stepdaughters. I was always very proud of how well we did. We never gave any of the kids any preferential treatment because of their biology. Biology was never even brought up in our family. It had gotten to the point that my husband's ex took my kids to her house and my ex included my stepdaughters when he took the kids camping or fishing. Both exes bought birthday presents for our son. Fast forward to two years ago. All of the kids except the one we have together are grown and some have children of their own. One of the stepdaughter's from his first marriage has kids now and her kids call me Grandma. All of the grandkids are cousins. They don't even know about biology and who has who's DNA. It's never been an issue, EVER. His daughter that he gave up found him two years ago. She was 30 at the time and married with two kids. Initially, I was very excited. It didn't last long. Through all of these years, whenever I would ask about his daughter or why he wasn't curious about her, my husband would shrug it off. He just said he trusted her mother and if it was ever right, she would find him. I had pushed a little more after our son was born and I had done some searching myself but didn't have any luck. I had let it go and hadn't thought about it in quite awhile. My husband became a stranger to me when she came into our lives. EVERYTHING became about biology. They would make plans for outings or dinners or pictures that included my husband, my stepdaughter and her husband, our son together, and her family. They didn't include my children or our other two stepdaughters. There were SO many things that went on that blew my mind that my husband either participated in or sat on the sidelines and let happen. The emotions that went with all of that were devastating. To me, it was a deep level of betrayal. He betrayed our children, our family, and me. It's hard to find anyone who understands how deep that betrayal is. I have been going to counseling. There are times that I think I just want to leave. It would be so much easier than dealing with the feelings that I'm dealing with. I think that's why you feel the distance with your son. It's easier than these horrible feelings of betrayal. On an intellectual level, I know that my husband loves me and that your son loves you. I know neither of them took the actions they did with any intention of hurting us. I know they let their emotions run away with them without any comprehension of the fall out from them. One thing that I have accepted is the feelings of betrayal. Whether intentional or not, I had fundamental values that I thought we shared and when that was violated, it was no different to me than if he slept with another woman. This is probably where you and I part ways. This is my husband and that is your son. Our choices on how to address this aren't the same. I do recommend the counseling, though. The counselor I see did her thesis on adopted children reuniting with biological parents. She has given me a lot of perspectives to help somewhat understand from my husband's and his daughter's point-of-view. She has validated me, too, and helped with ways to move forward. A side note: She calls my husband Dad. It drives me crazy and it seems so disrespectful to the man that has been her dad. She refers to him as her adopted dad. That's just WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. I don't think that a man that has been her father for so many years should have any qualifiers before his name. He should just be Dad. My husband should be bio dad. My husband is so proud that she calls him Dad and he feels ENTITLED to that. He's also WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. I would really love to hear back from you. As much as we are coming from different perspectives, I think the emotions are very similar.