Advertisements
jessisrael
ugh. our adoption was just finalized. i just started reading this thread and it suddenly hit me: our kid could totally go out there at 21 and we really would not have been anything but unpaid sitters for those first 18 years. we were not told about that. truly, the information that we were given largely pertained to helping children reach adulthood in one piece. after reading this thread, i'm praying the mom stays in jail or od's. that's sick, right? my husband and i cannot have children and i have often wondered how potential grandchildren will be considered. will we be the grandparents? will the birth mom have all the "rights"? adoption can be so beautiful. but it is also very ugly.
Like
Share
Advertisements
jessisrael
ugh. our adoption was just finalized. i just started reading this thread and it suddenly hit me: our kid could totally go out there at 21 and we really would not have been anything but unpaid sitters for those first 18 years. adoption can be so beautiful. but it is also very ugly.
jessisrael
it suddenly hit me: our kid could totally go out there at 21 and we really would not have been anything but unpaid sitters for those first 18 years.
jessisrael
that's sick, right?
jessisrael
my husband and i cannot have children and i have often wondered how potential grandchildren will be considered. will we be the grandparents? will the birth mom have all the "rights"? adoption can be so beautiful. but it is also very ugly.
Advertisements
jessisrael
my husband and i cannot have children and i have often wondered how potential grandchildren will be considered. will we be the grandparents? will the birth mom have all the "rights"? adoption can be so beautiful. but it is also very ugly.
[QUOTE=BethVA62] I know plenty of people who got married and chose to live far away from home near the in-laws. Chose one over the other. Spend all their time, and holidays with that side of the family, not to mention more time spent with one set of grandparents... Not that the relationship is over, but long distance is not the same.
Jessisreal's post reminded me of a "Dear Abby" column I read years ago. (Not actually sure if it was Dear Abby, it may have been another advice column).The writer and her husband were considering having children (biological). She was scared because she knew several people who had adult children who wanted nothing to do with them. She was scared this would happen to her and her husband if they had children. I liked the answer she got. She was told that there was no way to know how things would turn out. Yes, it was possible that if she had children they would move away as adults and not want contact. But that's not the point of having children. Since there's no way to force a child to take care of you or even want contact later in life, the point of having children is to enjoy the process of parenting! People can easily miss the fun and joy in parenting by worrying about the future. I also agree with previous posters that shared history and love aren't going to go out the window. I expect Sweet pea to want to know her origins. If she forms a relationship with her first mom one day and loves her, it doesn't mean she loves me any less. If she doesn't feel unconditional love from me and feels like I'd be disappointed in her -- that's what might push her away.
:thanks: Thank you for the reality check. I was seriously freaking out yesterday. I've been in a local support group with others who were in the process of adopting. Almost all of us have finalized. It was fun and new and exciting. But last week, I met up with a woman whose adoptive daughter appeared to board the crazy train in her teen years and they haven't spoken since. I was thinking, "surely, that won't be us." But then I read this yesterday and thought, "good grief! any number of things could happen! ACK!" I know there's no way to know how anything or anyone will turn out. Logically, I get that. But... my pessimism is rearing its ugly head, wondering what in the world is going to happen as ours gets older. Will we scar her? I see it as less of an us vs. them thing and more of a ... "what if we end up scarring her for life and the moment she can get away she just runs to her bio mom who will rescue her from the evil travails of her adoptive family?" "Don't let her grow up." LOL! I know you're kidding and our family jokes about it all the time. Sorry. I just hijacked this thread. Thank you for letting me vent for a moment and calling me back to reality. Anything is possible. I can enjoy the moments as they come or be a basket case the entire journey.
Advertisements
I went through a really bad time with rejection issues, that were all in my own head, they had nothing to do with mom and dad (I'm adopted). I made some really crappy choices that I take full responsibility for, but I thought they wouldn't love me anymore because I was so ashamed of my mistakes. Again, they had nothing to do with this, it was all in my own head, and my own stuff. I didn't talk to them for about 8 months when I was 25. Now I talk to my mom four or five times a week and we couldn't be closer. Point being is that I love my parents fiercely, always have and always will. Sometimes, like mom says, things go on in our heads that we can't control. So, even if something does happen and things get wacky for awhile, because trust me, I was on the crazy train for a bit, doesn't mean that they won't get better and the experience won't make the relationship stronger. Congratulations on finalizing btw. Edited to add: Shortly after that time, I did find my first mom, and guess what? She wants nothing to do with me. Mom and Dad do though! My first mom is so damaged by life that I understand why she doesn't, I don't hold it against her, and honestly, I think Mom and Dad were more angry at her than I was.
Hi, Beatrice,While I don't share your entire perspective, I sure do agree that adoptees and adoptive parents are very very often expressing opposite sides of the same coin.Regarding the second to the last paragraph in your response where you requoted another post (I'll just put yours in bold for clarity):"As an adoptee though, I'll be honest, if my APs had said anything like "have we just been babysitting you all these years", I would feel like I'd been slapped in the face - I would think "Really, after all these years, you can diminish our relationship to that? Doesn't years of history mean anything to you?". I would feel that perhaps they didn't love me as much as I thought they did, I would feel betrayed because I would feel like they had placed conditions on their love for me. I think this can often be when relationships between adoptees and their aparents "go south". "I might be wrong but I didn't get the impression that the above adoptee was necessarily "dismissing their entire history and love for their APs", more that they too were expressing their feelings - Yes, I completely agree on both accounts -- oddly I guess we are using what we agree on to make different points that we don't agree with. So, yes, the adoptee in my mind is expressing how they feel and so is the AP. Both valid expressions that deserve to be heard, then explored and healed.I got the impression that they were in fact trying to get the OP to see that their child might have similar feelings to the OP (two sides of the same coin). Do you think the OP was dismissing the entire history and love for their child? No? So why assume that the above adoptee's similar description of his/her possible feelings re betrayal is necessarily dismissing their own entire history and love for their APs? Not because the ACs comment wasn't the from the same coin -- but because it was a thread regarding the AP. The AP needed to find the lost goodness beneath her sense of betrayal and have it explored first. There are few places for that to happen and she was hoping for that here. At the place she was at, If her feelings are disvalidated -- one comment (later) described her feelings as completely not valid -- then when the other side of the same coin pipes up telling the AP there could be dire consequences for her expressing her feelings to her son, the validity of APs feelings are shut down before they're even explored. Is it not possible that adoptees and APs may have feelings that are similar but opposite sides of the coin? Definitely, that's exactly how I see it. The APs feelings beneath how they were expressed were pushed aside for the flip-side of the coin be used in a way to stifle rather than to feel safe and continue to express. In a different context, I can see how the other side of the coin can be useful -- VERY useful! But it felt cruel in this case.before the APs feelings were explored and validated even deeper.
I appreciate the passion in this thread. I realize that many of you probably spent a great deal of time forming your responses to each other. However, it was becoming too much of a back and forth battle, so sadly most of them had to be deleted.Please keep in mind when you quote each other and respond back and forth, that it is done in a respectful way, rather than an opportunity to question and tear down the opposing response. Thank you again for all being part of the forums! I hope that we can all continue to be here, without letting our opinions stand in the way of supporting one another as members of the adoption community.Respectfully,Spud
Last update on July 21, 9:53 am by Adoption Admin.
I'm going to try to articulate my thoughts but, unfortunately, they are all over the place, so please forgive the randomness of this post. I hope this one doesn't get deleted also. I think this discussion is very important and am disappointed it was all deleted.After reading through this entire thread, including the posts that were deleted, it seems to me that some adoptees are in so much pain that it is difficult for them to see the good things they do have. Some APs, knowing that someone else actually birthed their child, live with the fear of the search and reunion their child might undertake later in life. Kingstonrule: As an adoptee though, I'll be honest, if my APs had said anything like "have we just been babysitting you all these years", I would feel like I'd been slapped in the faceThe AP was expressing her insecurity about the adoptee's feelings toward her. The adoptee took it in the exact opposite way, as an indication of the AP's feelings towards HER. However, I agree it is two sides of the same coin. There are insecurities on both sides and both need to be acknowledged by the other.I am infertile. I love kids and have always wanted them. The only way I will ever experience raising a child is by adoption. "Having a right to a child" has nothing to do with it. Having and raising a child is an innate biological urge. I had no idea how difficult dealing with infertility would be. It has been stated that adoptees are told they must be grateful that they are adopted. Infertiles are told they should adopt! It's so selfish to pay all that money for treatments when there are all those kids out there who need homes. I am someone who always wanted to adopt as well as have biological children, but what about those for whom adoption is not the right thing? They are left with nothing except deep emotional scars and the contempt of society.I say this not to gain sympathy for infertility, but to point out that society has it's views for pretty much every group out there. Adoptees, adoptive parents, infertiles, homosexuals, muslims, the handicapped. You name the group, society has something to say about it. Society says a lot of things...most of it is crap.My cousin and her husband adopted a little boy several years ago. They were told he was healthy and had no behavior issues. Turns out he had RAD and FAS. He threatened to kill my cousin. Many times, she woke up in the night to find him standing over her with a knife. He is now in his 20s and the whole family is still afraid of him. Not only was this child rightfully taken from his birth parents, he should never have been adopted out to anyone without the special skills needed to handle his problems. My cousin's family was decimated both finacially and emotionally by this damaged child. I wonder what the adoptee opinion is as to what would have been the right thing for this child? No one else really seems to know.On the other side of my family, I have a cousin who is adopted. He's awesome! We both love animals, we both love rock and roll, and we both have the same sense of humor. I never think about his adoption. No distinction was ever made between him and the rest of our family. It's a non-issue. If he has different feelings, he's never spoken about it. It kills me that he may be hurting.
Advertisements
Brenda, I'm only going to say a couple things:1) There is a difference between true support and enabling support. 2) I will quote a previous post by one of this forums wisest adoptive mothers :) She is a very fairminded individual and she is calling it as she sees it. You can check out her previous posts to judge for yourself (she is usually very knowledgeable re international adoption):
Your son almost certainly feels your anger and coldness. This is a young man who has been serving his country. He has probably seen death, and maybe had experiences where he came close to death. For goodness sakes, you have a son of whom you should be proud. Reach out to him. Hold him close.People who have been in a situation like combat are often changed by their experience. They may think a lot about their life and possible death. An adopted child may want to learn about his birthparents, so that they can meet him and he can meet them, just in case he is killed, so that they don't have to wonder, for the rest of their lives, what their birthson was like, what happened to him, and so on.People who have been in a situation like combat also may feel a need to reach out to their own families and mend fences. Life is fragile, and they may not want to go off to war, having angry words out there; what if it's the last time they see their loved ones. So please, for his sake, let him know, in the nicest way you can, that you don't mind that he searched for his birthparents, or even that he saw them, but that some of the things he has done have bothered you and you'd like to talk about it. Try to clear the air, and make sure that he knows that you love him. You don't ever want to see him go off to war with your sullen glances and curt words in his head, and face death. You will feel guilt for your entire life that you let him go off without knowing that you love him.If you are so angry at him that you can't do that, I do hope that you will seek out professional help. His desire to search is so normal under the circumstances, and he almost certainly didn't mean to hurt you. He wants to know these people who share his genes, but that doesn't mean he loves you any less. In fact, he will probably come to love you even more for letting him get to know his birth family, and for being welcoming to his birth family, as long as they are safe and pleasant people. I am almost certain that your son's birthparents aren't trying to hurt you. In fact, they may be so overwhelmed with joy that you were open to your son's search, that they probably feel nothing but love for you. And they may be a little overwhelmed, knowing that this young man who has suddenly come back into their lives, could well be killed in combat, and want to make every minute with him count. You have a fine son -- a son you should be very proud of. He is a good son to you, and he is being a good birth son to his birthparents. Respect him and love him, and let him go off to do his patriotic duty knowing that, whatever happens, he now has the love of two families enveloping him.Sharon
After reading through this entire thread, including the posts that were deleted, it seems to me that some adoptees are in so much pain that it is difficult for them to see the good things they do have. Some APs, knowing that someone else actually birthed their child, live with the fear of the search and reunion their child might undertake later in life.
Last update on July 22, 4:06 am by beatricesmith.