Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal

Btw I've realised that I never responded to the OP:

My son, age 25 and in the Army, was adopted when he ws 3 days old. Yes, we are older adoptive parents, but we have loved our son since day one. Three years ago, while he was deployed to Iraq, I received a one line email from him stating, "can you send me the name of the adoption agency...the search begins....lol". That was the beginning of a very downward spiral for his and my relationship. Perhaps you can share with us why it was the beginning of a downward spiral? Did you exchange emails at the time and did both of you say things you might have regretted? You are of course entitled to have feelings and there might have been a later time when you could share those feelings but the initial response should just have been to give him the information and wish him luck. We have always been out front and open about his adoption and answered all the age appropriate questions he's ever had. We told him everything truthfully, lovingly and supportively. Never did he ever exhibit the least bit of interest or desire to search for his birth mother until that email. After talking to my husband that day, we sent him the information he asked for, only to find out some days later that he had already....before emailing me asking for the agency....found the agency himself and had made contact with his birth mother through the agency who was holding a letter from her for him in case he ever contacted them. Needless to say, I was hurt and devastated, not because he even wanted to search, but for the way he went about it, totally behind my back. Since then, things have gotten worse. He has two step-sisters who he refers to as his sisters (he was our only child) and to make things truly worse, he took off the Christmas he arrived back from Iraq to go be with his birth family for the holidays. Since then, there are always posts back and forth on his Facebook between him and his birth mother, and she is always acting like his mother, giving advice and encouragement right after I do. In my mind, I see this as her trying to one up me. She even refers to him as her son. Even though my parents were supportive, I still searched on my own before telling anyone. Do you know why? Because I wanted to make sure that it was a success first. If it had been a disaster, no-one but me would have known. Have you thought that that have been behind his decision to search on his own? Also, reunion can be tricky - it is actually a good thing for him to have such a good relationship with his bmother. And she is one of his mothers and he is her son, just like you are his mom and mother and he is also your son. That is the nature of adoption. Would you rather she had denied him altogether? When my son did this hurtful search and reconnection the way he did it, I felt something die inside of me. It took me no time to realize that there is no one out there in the world of adoption who is concerned or cares about the adoptive parents. When all this happened, I contacted the adoption agency and was told, in no uncertain terms, that he is 21 and he can do what he wants. AND they reiterated many times that their only concern in any adoption in order of importance is first the birth mother, second, the child, third the adoptive parents. We told them that we felt like we were nothing more than a walking ATM to them and that no one cares about us when we need caring about as much as the birth mother and child do, and especially when we are being told to just deal with whatever has happened because our child has a right to do what he did. Over the last 3 years, my own relationship with my son has become very fragile. I know there are adoptive parents who claim they are okay with their child searching and reconnecting and even support this, but I don't feel the same way. Maybe its because of the way my son did this that's really torn us apart, but I need someone to talk to about this before I lose my mind. I still love my son, but I no longer crave his presence or even care if I see him. Looking at him reminds me of what he did and how he now has this other family that is clearly important enough to him to call them his sisters, and maybe he even calls his birth mother Mom....I don't know. I've asked him, but he's a good liar and I don't believe him when he says he only calls her by her name. I have told him that I am hurt and that this has affected our relationship in ways he cannot begin to imagine. He tells me I'm being stupid. I've told him that, had he ever just come to us and presented his wishes to find his birth mother, that we would have been supportive and would have hoped he'd want to share meeting her and her family with us. He just laughed me off and said that if he wanted to go see them, he'd just go....he didn't need us to do that.

His sisters are his sisters, why would that take away from you being his mom?So, he has just been returned again from a second Iraq deployment and spent his leave at home with us. But I didn't enjoy one minute of it, knowing that he has so much going on behind our backs with his birth family. I literally couldn't wait till he returned to base. When he did this to us three years ago, I literally had anxiety issues that I've never had before and had to be under a doctor's care for it. Whenever my son is around me now, I am filled with this anxiety again and need to reach out to my medication, just to deal with the affects his actions have taken on my heart. As I said, deep inside I love my son, but I feel so much has died as a result of his actions, culminating in my feelings of rejection and being pushed to the background of his life. My husband feels the same in some ways, but not nearly as deeply as I do. Afterall, it wasn't his birth father he secretly searched for, it was his birth mother, and therefore affected me more deeply. I don't know what I really need. Maybe I'm just hoping that someone on this forum has had similar issues that they have dealt with. I have searched my soul and I am sure I'm not feeling anger as much as I am hurt by what he has so callously done to this family. If there's anyone out there who knows what I'm feeling, I sure would love to have some feedback and support.

It is hard to know how to help without knowing your son's side of the story. You call him callous but why? Because he made contact with his bmom without telling you? Because he has a good relationship with him? Do you feel that you did anything that might have contributed to the situation. If you are still reading this 3 years later, perhaps it might be worth calling your son and having a good talk where both of you really listen to each other. Btw my experience is that adoptees relationships with their amother always become STRONGER when the amom is supportive. It is a sign of trust.

Another resource is offered here for the OP or those in her position because APs will have triggers unique to their own subconscious. For example, if you have feelings of concern about your child having siblings that you aren't the parent of, those are natural feelings, especially if you've deeply bonded with your child. That situation can trigger very strong and powerful mothering instincts and it makes sense not to stuff them away or beat yourself up for having them, even while another AP will not be affected by it... but will in fact have her own triggers unique to her. Your feelings, however they emerge, are welcomed and honored with me. If you want to start a private conversation to share and release more of them, I'm here for you, and here to understand even more deeply how it has been for you.The three resources I listed below will also help your feelings be understood and honored, if it takes more than just a few emails with someone.And as far as the kind of downward spiral that started a while back with her/your son, if she or any others have similar concerns, here's another resource regarding "adoption transference" by people who have been involved in adoption for many many years. It may further validate your goodness as a mother and how alone one feels during turbulent times.

Beatrice said, Brenda, I'm only going to say a couple things:1) There is a difference between true support and enabling support.My response about the above for the OP or others in her position, true listening is not the same as enabling. So don't be afraid to be truly listened to under the fear that you're being enabled. True listening also is not the same as someone giving advice.

Here are three resources for you as far as finding out about true listening, which should be found easily online. One is "Compassionate Communication" developed by Marshall Rosenberg. Another is The 7 Habits (tm) Solution. Another is simply this interview if you have facebook:

I was previously invited by Beatrice on this thread to consider the following quote. That invitation was not removed by admin when they went through and removed posts they felt were too embattled, so I'll assume a response to it will be allowed. Mostly because the response can be of value to the APs needing a safe place here to express their natural emotions: So here's the quote: For any APs here who find this helped them love much better than they did before because of it, thank goodness you found what you were looking for. However, since we're all unique and heal in different ways -- for those who recognize this as shaming and disregarding the needs of the AP (she is "cold" and should not be feeling that way) where the adult adoptee has all kinds of reasons for everything he does, including being "cold" and he has every right to feel that way, you may recognize that this type of response is enabling more guilt and repression of feelings to APs which has the opposite effect of healing, and that it simply triggers more shame (which then blocks even more of our true inner lovingness). I hope that you honor your instincts and intuition regarding that. You may find the study of "inducement" and "adoption transference" surprising in how it calls out many well-intentioned people who are considered experts in their field who are well-meaningly seeing problems when there is actually love trying to be born. Both the adoptee and APs feelings need to both be understood. If it's "enabling" to accept the APs feelings, then it also has to be "enabling" to accept the adult adoptee's feelings. One or the other. And some of us choose to accept the feelings of both adults vs. just one of them as a starting point to healing.It could also be pointed out here that like many perhaps, I'm from a family that has military individuals. And there's one reason they join the armed forces. They joined as a career choice like any other career from teaching to nursing. They may or may not have seen tragic and shocking deaths, but if they have, it's no more than nurses have. They are brave, just like nurses, police officers, teachers, and parents who adopt potentially rebellious and bitter adoptees are. We are doing them no service by telling these adults that they don't have to act like adults but instead are entitle to ignore the feelings of others because they've joined a career allowing them to legally kill other humans.Back to the study, it points out that APs are supposed to demonstrate talking about their negative feelings to their kids. Because the kids are looking to their APs for direction on how to handle their own inner turmoil. If parents pretend to be all sunshine and unaffected when a child has "induced" rejection and abandonment in them -- then the child will have had demonstrated to him or her they must treat their own sense of rejection and abandonment as all sunshine, never to be spoken of.Because it's on a subconscious level, APs will have abandonment "induced" by their child in a way that speaks abandonment to that particular AP. The form the sense of abandonment takes (being cold once finding birthparents, or any other form) isn't the issue that's supposed to be shamed away. Rather, the abandonment feelings beneath the form are to be expressed honestly, as they are really felt as long as they don't involve outright violence. APs also are said by the study to allow themselves to include natural consequences enforced on the part of the AP. If an AP expresses her pain, and eventually must protect her heart from continued abandonment pain triggered by her adult son while the inducement acting out is going on, such as removing herself from situations that are too painful while she then goes on with her life without her son as long as he wants it that way (vs. an outright permanent rejection of him), then the adoptee sees demonstrated that he or she can express pain just as he or she feels it at the moment, and that regardless of abandonment, their life can still be valued and can still continue on. It starts with knowing your pain is just as real and valid as your children's is. And comes from a source greater than any shaming can ever eliminate.

Oh I could understand exactly how you feel. My story is a bit different, yet the same on so many levels. My daughter became my foster child at the age of 13 days (directly from the hospital). Her Mom was a homeless 15 year old girl, she had no choice, she made the right choice to free her daughter for adoption. So at the age of 2 she became our daughter.I never hid the fact that she was adopted and always told her that her mother loved her very much. Off and on as she got older she would begin a search but never with her full heart. Now at the age of 40 she found her. I was glad that that hole in her heart would be filled. And I will admit a bit jealous.Still am! She has met the entire family and her two half brothers. Attended a family wedding and has all the traditional family pictures taken. She hides her visits. She went to her brothers wedding and I never knew. Why? why would she hide the fact that she sees them, probably because she doesn't visit me. I live 2 hours away her birth mother is only an hour. Well, I feel very betrayed, I am not blaming her birth mother at all, I give her such credit. Yet, there is a part of it that doesn't make sense. When our daughter was still foster, she visited the house, knew our name and address and even our phone number. Why didn't she ever search for her daughter? I'm fearful that my daughter will be taken advantage of.

Lucy,Thanks for sharing your honest and natural feelings. (In the past, this thread has been derailed by adoptees who feel adoptive parents shouldn't have any feelings other than constant adoring sainthood towards being APs, while they, themselves, are allowed to be as negative as they want towards adoption) but hopefully you'll find support here now. Many of the old posts were removed.)Sometimes there's a "honeymoon phase" at first when birth families are at last blessed with the "lost child" that you raised so well and put so much in to -- but often it settles down with time and over the top interest wains somewhat. I hope you have ways to find peace within yourself -- spiritual techniques, support groups, etc., and get through this phase in tact and even stronger than before.

While searching today for a delicate way to acknowledge the adoptive Mother of my 'son' , I came across this post. I could almost be that birth Mother. And, he could almost be that son (except he's never gone to Iraq). I don't believe his adoptive Mother was ever happy that I found her son, and my intention in finding him was solely to know that he grew up in a loving, safe environment. And if I should be so lucky, that he may want to meet me. For his first birthday, I sent a beautiful handmade set of baby clothes to the agency along with a letter wishing all good things for them. I still don't know if they actually sent it to the family. I sent a letter, almost every year with address and phone changes, just in case someone tried to make contact, to the agency. After hearing that where he grew up was opening up old adoption records, and that if no one had put a lock of sorts on the file, I could get all of the paperwork from back then. When I received it, firstly I was excited, then was lost in tears with joy and trepidation as well. I made initial contact via email, he was shocked, although he had been told that he was adopted. He conferred firstly with his Mom, I assume to make sure she was ok with it and also for her to confirm dates, places etc. When she did that, he replied "so what happens now??" I said again that I wanted to know that he was brought up with love and good care. And of course I said, "I'd love to meet you, but ONLY if it is acceptable to you and your family. I'm not here to interfere with your life and lives". So it became his choice, and my emails to him were asking always, "how are your parents doing with this?" I feel the same way to this day... although I'm so happy that he chose to meet me, show me the photos of him growing up, telling me the ups and downs of his life (he's into high adrenaline sports), about the happy times and the sad, more about his family, and what pleased me so much was to find out that he's interested in the arts (which I am into very much). Our first meeting was beautiful in every way, he prepared a fabulous meal for my husband and I, and when we left, I knew he was my 'son', as much as he could or ever would be. As time went on, I realized his adoptive Mother was not pleased at all that we had met or that we enjoyed each other's company. It made me sad, and every Mother's Day I wanted to send her flowers, or a card, or something to say the biggest thank you. I was not sure though, how to do that when there was jealousy and anger coming from the other side - reason enough, although in the end, it truly was her son's position to make that choice, and I gather it was put into his hands. I've never taken over his life and family, or theirs in any way, but yes I most certainly have encouraged him in his life, and through some rough times, and lovingly communicate with his one child. And yes, I have posted photos of him on my page proudly stating he is my son, because he truly is my flesh and blood which makes him my son. I'm not a mean person and would never attempt to make it sound like he is all mine. He is HER son, that is how I feel about it. I did bring him into this world, I fed him in the hospital (when everyone said do not), I kept the baby photo from his 2nd day there and looked at it every year, I went to see him in the nursery in the middle of the night, thinking that I would probably never see him again. doubting I'd ever have the privilege of meeting the young man. My parents had encouraged me to keep this child, they knew how I felt about giving him up, but my prayer at the time was that he would be loved, safe & secure, happy, well cared for, and he has been, thank you so much to these 2 wonderful parents. After knowing that, I could have let it go so as to not create any family issues on their side. He too has 2 sisters and he loves them so much. One apparently has accepted that I am part of his life, the other who herself has adopted children, not so much. That part I do and don't understand, her fear that their birth Mother may show up and come between them all. From what I've seen, if a child was truly given love, taught love, acceptance and understanding, they will never push aside their adoptive parents. I believe that my child did receive that throughout his youth and for that I am so very thankful. So today, wherever you are Mom, your son loves you, don't push him away because he made a choice that so many have or would have. He loves you, he honors YOU every Mother's Day, not me, who he calls Charlene.

I am zohaib 23 years old from pakistan. I am a student and part time computer operator i am working in a private company on a salary of $70 per month. I don't have cloths to wear nor shoes. I have only 4 T-shirts and 5 jeans. I want a forever family i want true love. I am tired of being ignored and rejected again and again. I want true love and forever family. I can't bear this ejection burden anymore. I am caring and loving i swear i will be a very good child. I will never make sad those who will adopt me I know that no will want to adopt a boy from pakistan but i am a human like others i do have a heart two eyes one nose. Why everyone hates me and rejects me. Do i look like an alien. I am desperate and depressed.. I am living like a beggar I want a forever family please someone help me.

I can totally relate to this.One of my adopted sons was in and out of prison,always supported him and etc through goodness knows what. He took his life whilst on another prison sentence and I found out on social media.He had been in touch with his birth mother for 5 years and had said nothing,not in itself a problem as had always said he should find her if he wished.He had put her down as next of kin so the prison contacted her and not us ,gave her his possessions and letters I had written him.She took charge of funeral and etc and we were treated as outsiders. I have told prison they were very wrong not to contact us etc next of kin has no legal status and she gave up all rights when she gave him up for adoption. There she was lording it about as the 'mother' when she wasn't his mother and even saying she is entitled to compensation. No she is a not she only gave birth to him end of. Prison are now coming to visit me to discuss but don't hold out hope for any answers.

Let go of resentment. Let go of fear. Be open to looking at this from your son's feelings and perspective. He was not trying to hurt you. He was trying to find out about himself and his birth mother and siblings. Get some professional help if you need it. Don't reject your son.

I have finally found someone who feels the same way I do and I can't tell you how it makes me feel. I adopted siblings who were 7 & 9 years old 21 years ago. They never asked to find their birth mother until last year. Our daughter was the one who started it and our son followed suit. They didn't tell us until after the fact, either. I was left with feeling of abandonment and sorrow. Iam so sad that most of the comments on your post are not supportive of your feelings. We have feeling, too. We need support, too. We have all of ourselves to strangers, took them in our home, loved them and this is where we are left. I don't know if I will every get over this loss.

I am in a slightly similar situation; however, I adopted my two girls when they were 6 and 7 years old. They were removed from their birth mothers care due to severe abuse in every way, neglect, and abandonment. My situation is different because they still remember their birth mother. They are now 19 and 20 years old and I have just learned that they have been searching their birth mother out. I also feel betrayed but I am so scared of losing them. I also don't understand why they would want to search for her after all the pain she put them through. My oldest was in and out if hospitals for 6 years trying to cope with the abuse she suffered at her birth moms hands. I am confused and I don't understand.

vtwisher, I'd hug you, I really would. Because you're obviously very confused. Girl, you raised a good person, who happened to love someone before you came into the picture. He had a physical and emotional attachment to someone for 9 months and 3 days before you ever held him. I don't see how you think that he is obligated to request permission from you to feel like that connection mattered to him. If the years of getting to hold him don't outweigh the notion of being the only person to ever be called his mother, then your priorities are out of line. You received the level of hatred, I assume you did from this post because in it you reveal that you consider adopted people as subhuman. Only birds imprint on the first thing they see. Humans come with cords. When you treat a person as if they are a bird, they don't tend to take kindly to it. When you act like you purchased a person and all of their love, it doesn't go well for you. I hope you don't believe that love comes in a limited supply that diminishes as you add people to your life. Sorry honey, your grandmother already has 2 grandkids. If she added a third to her life, the level of love for the first two would dimish.

The love of a child is amazing, isn't it? That bond created inside the womb is magical. Your daughters aren't weird. My sister is in the same boat. She's adopted. Her mom (my cousin) abused her. She started living with us at age 2 and was adopted by 8. She is 16 now and still loves her mom. Watch the news most kids that are abused still love their parents. This isn't about you. Your child needs help navigating how to deal with wanting connection but knowing that it is dangerous. You are the person who they love and they know you love them too. But if you continue to deny the part of them that was once connected to another person, you're going to miss out. You are not your daughter's first emotional attachment, I understand the jealousy, I do. But you have to put that aside and help them get through this just like you did every other rejection in their lives. You may want to read my other response to this original question.