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Our adoption of J from foster care (distant relative) finalized a year and a half ago.
She knows the names of 3 older brothers. She's never met them. She lists them on her "my family" homework assignments (she's 7, btw).
I'm in touch with her BM, but she lost custody of her older kids and there were allegations that prevented her from continuing contact. Her parents still live there and may have contact, but they've never contacted us or suggested they'd be open to contact (in fact, J's BGM specifically said she wanted nothing to do with her back when she was with my aunt). BGM has substance abuse issues (like mother, like daughter)
When I asked her where she wanted to go on vacation, she picked CA, in part, because that's "where her brothers live". i thought this funny, since California is so huge. but we booked the trip (a few days in mexico and 3 days in los angeles area).
In talking to Js BM today, I find out - not only did she grow up two towns over from where we'll be staying, but we're actually going to be driving through J's BGM's town!
I'm now faced with a dilemma. Based on feedback from adoptees here, it seems access to B-fam is desired.
Do I reach out to BGM and tell her we'll be in town?
Do I reach out and ask her is she knows where her other GKs live (J's brothers are adults now)? That small step will open up contact with them (I've been avoiding making the first step)
Adoptees - if you can remember when you were 7 and going on a family trip, would you have liked to meet Bfam during the trip? Or would it have taken away from your vacation?
:thanks:
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This one is changing fast and furious.... Been emailing with T (J's BM). We've agreed to go to lunch with the BGM on our way back to phoenix. Lunch in a public place, limited time frame. figure thats safe
T has offered to pass a message on to J's BBs. They do live in the area and she might be able to finally meet them.
I'm awaiting word on whether T will share their FB contact link with me
I've been searching for these boys for 2 years now. Can't believe I'm this close
You're in my thoughts and prayers wcurry. It is wierd how someone else's kids (adopted kids bio siblings) just feel so close to us. I hope that makes sense. My kids have a little brother and we have seen him 4 times. There is a special connection (love) between us and him (at least I feel it).
PS. we are going on another cruise. Out of Baltimore this time.
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Wcurry66
Me personally I would contact bio grandma and let her know your plans. Why it sure sounds like your little one wants to maintain the bio connection and I would be supportive of that!
I am adopted and was adopted by the best parents ever! They were always very supportive of our (my sister was also) bio families. One day she might want to know more and you may need to collect some information (medical etc) from gma or mom one day down the road!
It sounds tho like she would really be able to verbalize her thoughts on this. I would talk to grma see if she is on board with a visit. Explain to gma that you have not presented this to your daughter yet. If gma is on board ask your daughter if she wants to see gma? Then base it on her response. She sounds like a confident,comfortable and very loved little girl!
OK, ladies.. I guess an update is in order.
I spoke to BGM on the phone. She said she'll pick a restaurant for us to meet at. She asked for an address to mail birthday presents and pictures to. I was on my cell phone in the lobby at work, so i told her to have her husband ping me and I'd send it over. I also offered to let her have access to our FB pictures area, so she could watch J grow up. Told her to have her husband FB friend me.
That was a week and a half ago. Nothing since. Now, I COULD FB friend him.. or proactively send over contact information, but I'm not going to. Prior to me being in the picture BGM told my aunt she anted nothing to do with her.
J is indifferent to knowing them (only wants to meet her 3 brothers). Furthermore, there have been abuse (substance, physical and sexual) from BM regarding BGM and SBGF. They are on probation as far as I'm concerned.
Nothing from the brothers. Unfortunately, BGM and BM were "helping" by hounding them. They may have the impression that we're in cahoots. I'll ping them one more time right before we leave.
Speaking of siblings.. While coordinating this visit, BM lets me know J has 2 more - and a niece. They are from the BF.. the guy who;'s DNA matched and then immediately signed TPR. He's been quite vocal that he's not interested in knowing her.
Well, through him, J has a sister (in her 20's.. mother of a 4 year old.. currently in rehab) and a brother. According to T (BM), the siblings and the BGPs have been interested in seeing pictures of J and would like to meet her
Well, this caused a series of discussions. Its impossible to tell if T wants J to know her "family" ("she deserves to know her family".. um, she does.. that would be B & I :p ).
I didn't want to just start visiting with a whole other wing of the family tree without some context.. Does J's sister have a power struggle going on with BD? Is this some offshoot of introspection in rehab? Is T blowing it out of proportion because she wants to show J off?
I did finally get through to T.. reminded her that rehab is a sensitive time in a person's life. That you aren't supposed to make major life changes until 6 months post rehab.
As a side note, I finally got through to T.. I'm not trying to judge her (except maybe sometimes here ;) ) or keep her out of her daughter's life. I'm trying to keep J sheltered from the things that T & and BOTH dealt with growing up. Things little girls shouldn't experience.
That made things between us a bit smoother and she agreed to let me go slow and get to know people before introducing them to J.
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