Transition

This will probably be stuff you already know but wanted to give you what I have learned from social worker friends and educators as well as multiple adoptions. First, let me say--take heart, I think he is definitely still in transition or it's at least too early to think that this is how it will be forever. At 5.5 yrs old he has left everything he has known, even if it was a horrible situation it was what he knew.Many of the disciplines that work for our biological or adopted at birth children do not work for the older child. Time-outs, loss of privileges don't work because 1) they are probably used to being on their own and may prefer it and 2) they are used to not having those privileges anyway.I would suggest, as difficult as it is for a frazzled mom in the midst of a toddler's destructive melt down (hello, I am one half the time!), remain calm and take his hand and/or hold him on your lap and tell him you are going to hold him so he is safe until he is calm, talk soothingly to him and tell him you love him always and want him to be safe. If you can get him calm enough, tell him you know he must be angry about something and ask if he wants to tell you. If he doesn't tell him you'll be ready to listen if he changes his mind.Finding a way to keep them with you rather than separating him for punishment builds attachment and can be more effective than what we use for our bio or newborn adopted kids as it teaches them you are not going to be driven away and that you are still committed even when they try to push you. Things like "if you have so much energy you can throw that, I think we're going to go outside and [rake leaves, shovel snow, play catch] together. It will build your relationship while also taking him out of the situation. He'll hate it at first (punishment) but by the time you are done doing the chore together he may have opened up or just had fun with you. Also, have you set a routine with strictly enforced rules? Transitioning children need this immediately upon entering the home as predictability in their environment is comforting and demonstrates that their new parents are in charge and responsible for their care. Just because he is new to the home does not mean you should be lax. He needs to learn right away that their expectations and a flow to each day. I would tell him one bath a day is allowed unless he is covered in mud and then stick to it.There are many on-line courses (1.5 hours) on attachment and what to expect/how to respond for different ages of older child adoption. I highly recommend you take one. I can recommend one I just took if you want, just PM me.Don't worry, you are not alone and it will get better!Susan

Did you read "Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft" If he is developmentally delayed, he might be responding inline with that age group.Grief in young children is very different than in older kids, and adding the frustration of not understanding what the heck is going on around, and what is being said, and not having the language to express that -- it is not surprising he is very angry. Grief and transition take time -- he consistent, understand that attachment will simply take LOTS of time and keep working at it. The first six months are definitely the hardest. You might get more responses if you post in the "older child adoption" forum or special needs forum. Also, with FAE, poor impulse control is pretty par for the course -- so you add grief and loss and rage and poor impulse control, and it is going to be quite a ride :) Been there .... done that.

Thanks for the replies. I think I have read all of the books out there, ha ha. I like to be prepared, and I knew I wouldn't have much time to read once he got here. I'm working on Toddler Adoption for the second time as a refresher--I agree, that's closer to where he is developmentally. In theory, I should know this stuff...The combination of his special needs, institutional behavior, grief/attachment issues make it hard for me to tease out which behavior is caused by which issue (we're seeing the developmental/behavioral specialists next month). And, I'm just the type of person who likes to know.right.now. I guess if nothing else, I will learn patience (as if the adoption process wasn't enough to teach it).