Saying goodbye
I am new to this forum,and at the very beginning of this journey. My daughter (13months) is going to be adopted very soon. Tuesday is the last time I will see her. Does anyone know how I can say goodbye to her? I'm worried about getting upset and so making her upset. I love her more than anything in the world and am not sure how this is going to affect me. I just wish I could turn back time so I don't have to say goodbye yet ...
Is there anything special we could do for our last contact together??
You could not say "good bye" instead say "I will see you again later!" Because there is always a chance that even if it is a closed adoption she will look for you or you will look for her. See you again is so much less permanent. Happy I am so sorry that you are going to have to do this. I didn't keep little man at all, he went straight home from the hospital with his a family, but I would expect that you will be very very sad. There will probably be days when it is next to impossible for you to function. You might want to look into counseling, because it will probably help with grief and anger and anything else that comes up. There are going to be times when all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and take it day by day. If you guys have something special that you enjoy doing together, something that makes you guys happy...I would do that before you have to say see you later. You might also think about writing her a letter to give to the a parents that they can give to her, tell her that you love her today, tomorrow and yesterday, and that will never change. Also tell her what led you to a place where you decided that adoption is best for her. If any way possible you might see if you can have a few visits with the family after you place her, which will be emotionally devastating for you but might help her transition better. Just expect to feel lost and sad and tired after the visits. I cried all the way home after the first couple of visits but I would rather do that than not get to see him. And definitely vent, talk to whoever will listen and if no one will, come here and vent, it is better to do that than to try to hold it all in. I hope that things go well for you!
I am the adoptive parent of a child that came to me at around that age Smile As well as older kids.

Something that you can bring to give to her at the visit would be pictures (bring a disposable camera or two, one for you to keep and one to send with her).

Write her a letter with your hopes and dreams for her future. A very, very important aspect to think of including in the letter is that you want her to be happy and to love her adoptive parents. That you hope she finds peace and understanding to accept that her life story might be different but it is ok with you if she is happy.

You can write in there about future plans for yourself, and that you would want to know about her and how she is doing when she is older.

You might talk about your favorite stories or memories with her ... and maybe favorite songs or foods too. Her birth story might also interest her one day.
pinkneon said...

My daughter (13months) is going to be adopted very soon. Tuesday is the last time I will see her. Does anyone know how I can say goodbye to her?

I urge you to do the grief work.. If you feel the pain of your loss go into it.. don't block it like I did.. I relinquished in the sixties and then shut my emotions down.. I forgot his birth date.. I forgot my guilt and my memories..

Its a learned thing and shutting down ones emotions becomes a trigger which did not serve my life after that terrible time..

Talking about my feelings with trusted persons helped me the most.. posting my pain to all helped.. finding places where I was safe on the net and also finding places where I was not safe and fighting to make myself heard helped..

Above all remember why you are doing this.. and search all the reasons.. be solid in your thoughts..

I am over ten years into the finding of my son.. and I no longer worry and fret and cry about what happened all those years ago..

You can do this and come out of it emotionally well.. Just don't stop talking and sharing..

All the best and my heart goes out to you.. you are not alone..

Thanks :D I believe her social worker is doing a life story book for her, which I am going to add some things to. This weekend I hope to complete the scrapbook I made for her. Was thinking about writing a letter to the adoptive family telling them all about her, her likes and dislikes etc but not sure? They'd need to know medical history for my family too so was going to include that. I am dreading the goodbye. I'm scared that I might forget her and I don't want to do that! I think I'm also worried that she'll hate me and I'm not sure I can wait at least 17 years until she finds me. I say at least because she may not want to find me ... I just want her to be safe and I'm worried she won't be ...
is open or semi-open adoption not an option for you? this way you can send pictures/letters back and forth with the AP. even if the AP do not tell her until she is old even to understand, at least they can send you updates.
My son's adoption was closed (Birth Mom choice), but I still send letters/pictures to the agency such that if she ever wanted to know how he is doing, she has access. I told them this. I feel very strong about openness, because of what you are going thru now and later. Openness does not mean the child needs to know right now, it means that the Birthparents gets updates such that they are not wondering/worrying-unsure if the child they placed is ok and that their decision was the right one.
One profound thing my mother told me was:
the birthparents took off our shoulder the baggage of childlessness and placed on her shoulder grief/lost and consist worries/wondering. We can at least help them by providing updates, pictures and letters.
Much hugs to you for placing your baby's need first. Hold on to did it because you love her more than anything! Kudos
I live in the UK and we don't have open adoption here. Apparently I may be able to send her one letter per year with photos but no one has talked to me about it. I think adoption here should be more open ...
There are years ahead when everything may change and then change again.. When I relinquished my son I was totally sure I would never find out about him..and then came the internet.. and we connected on line..

And one does not forget about a relinquished child.. one tries to forget at times but that does not happen..

I also worried about the anger.. especially after we had connected on the internet.. but then I understood that this worry along with the other worries are part and parcel of all this.. heck there is a woman who posts here who wants/should have.. more contact with her adopted daughter.. love4.. (its been years since I posted here so I hope I got the nic right)..

The thing is.. you do the best you can.. and in doing this best you can you stand in your truths and allow what will be to be..

I say give the adopted parents all the info you can.. and keep adding to it (through the social worker.. I am sure this is allowed).. your health will change and issues not thought of will come up.. like your parents health and yours..

Write down all things.. keep that info so if/when she comes looking you have something to give her..

So today I said goodbye to my baby. It was horrible and my heart was breaking. The social worker told me a family had been found but they have now chosen not to adopt ever so that fell through. I miss her so much already!
{{{{{{Pink}}}}}Hugs....I see you are online and just want you to know someone is here thinking about you......I'm so sorry.....

My heart goes out to you.. I am so sorry you are going through this.. Know I am thinking of you at this terrible time..

Thanks. I am very sad right now ...
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. If you have a good friend that you can spend some time with this might be a good time to call her/him. I would also get what will probably be the first of many journals and start writing, it doesn't have to be a lot and it doesnt have to be "proper" writing, just how you feel, that you are thinking of her, things that you remember about her, etc. It seems to help. You will make it through this, it will just be hard and not fun. :-( an open adoption to where the adopting parents keep in contact with you. then when she is 18 she can find you. Everyone wants to know where they come from. That could be the special gift to her...demand with a court order that they keep in contact with you once a year. Pick a date.
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