P is 9 1/2 and has been with me for 3 years. The intent is to adopt, but she we have taken steps backwards. She yells and screams at me, today was "Get a Life" about 4 times because I didn't bring her Ipod down from upstairs. I get, "you are so stupid, you don't remember anything.," not in a joking manner. I'm trying to revise my thinking and tell myself to not to look for her to love me but just to respect me. Anyone else have it fall apart after three years???
Emmesmom
P is 9 1/2 and has been with me for 3 years. The intent is to adopt, but she we have taken steps backwards. She yells and screams at me, today was "Get a Life" about 4 times because I didn't bring her Ipod down from upstairs. I get, "you are so stupid, you don't remember anything.," not in a joking manner.
Does she still have an IPod?
Yes, because I didn't go get it. She got it on her own later. I cannot punish her right away as per "Beyond Consequences' and there was really nothing to punish her for in that sequence. We have been talking alot about respecting each other and that it is probably not appropriate to call me names, etc. We have counseling this week, I am going to use this example as one to review for guidance on how I should have responded.
You've gotten some great advice and I agree with the posters who've said you do NOT have to just accept the disrespect.
It may be common for teens... but so is shoplifting, drinking, sex, etc. Just because it's commonplace doesn't make it acceptable or right!
My teens most certainly do not talk to me like that. Nor do my other kids. We've never tolerated disrespect and that won't change just because society might say it's okay or expected.
Now and then, I have to remind the kids to use a different tone of voice with me, but if they'd call me some of the names you mentioned, I'd be livid!
Remember that what's in the heart comes out the mouth. I agree that counseling, both individual and family, is necessary. BEFORE adopting. Imagine the lifetime of grief ahead of you, post-adoption, if it's this way now!
Remember that what's in the heart comes out the mouth.
I hope that that is not true in all cases.
It isn't true in all cases. For DD2, what comes out the mouth is fear in the form of bravado and hostility. What's in her heart comes out in the actions she takes when she feels safe :)
And of course, for other children, what's in their heart is never shown because they guard their heart too closely, and wouldn't trust you to know what's in there
carmen90
It isn't true in all cases. For DD2, what comes out the mouth is fear in the form of bravado and hostility. What's in her heart comes out in the actions she takes when she feels safe :)
And of course, for other children, what's in their heart is never shown because they guard their heart too closely, and wouldn't trust you to know what's in there
:flower: !!!Wow!!! Well said. :flower:
I had a difficult pre-teen once and had some success with these 2 strategies. It only deals with the behavior but we were working on the emotional reasons in therapy.
1) Next time ask me nicely and I'll do it.
2) for name calling, I took the view that she had a vocabulary problem and didn't know a better way to say how she felt. So if she called me a ****ing b****, she had to tell me 3 other ways she could have said it. The first time we tried this, she just cursed at me 3 different ways:o So I had to give her the first replacement sentence and she came up with the other 2. It was difficult for her at first but with lots of "practice" she could easily come up with different phrases. Many moons later, she *sometimes* use those phrases instead of verbally striking out at me.:loveyou:
TemporaryMom
I agree with this. Children need to have a way to vent out their frustration and anger. What is not acceptable, as PP have indicated, is to speak to you in that manner. Some serious intervention and consequences need to happen.
I do not agree with the adage that "it is too late to nip it in the bud." Behavior can ALWAYS be changed. Not that you all would believe it [wink] but I tend to be a little too opinionated and rub people the wrong way. It is just my personality. I am every bit an ENTP. However, I had to learn the HARD way at work that I needed to learn how to temper parts of my personality and that others' opinions matter as much as mine.
Had I had a good family experience, and not been abused terribly as a child, I might have learned that sooner and not accumulated as many people who don't like me as I do now. Point being, I had to learn in my mid 30s to change, certainly a 9 year old can do so too.
One thing that a lot of parents do, that is wrong imho, is rule with an iron glove. I believe that in order to teach children to respect, you have to actually respect them. That doesn't mean you let them talk back to you, or any of that ,but you respect them and their opinions.
Something like this:
Daughter is being rude and calling you an undesired name.
Iron Rule: I will not accept that language, go to your room now!
Teach Respect: I am really sad that you feel that way. I do not feel that way about you. I also do not think it is nice for you to speak to me in that manner. I'll ask that you "insert something here" now while I think about what you have said. When we have both calmed down, we can meet and discuss this again.
Ok, so that is wordy, but you see the difference. I have tried to explain this to my BFF for YEARS and she has disagreed with the philosophy. And what does she have now, two teen-agers and one tween who all speak to her disrespectfully and a lot of turmoil.
I am sorry but I disagree with you. I think the "iron glove" method works and works good.I do how ever think that after they have had some alone time then you go in and talk to them. tell them they have a right to say how they feel but there are certian words that are not allowed in the home.
We run a strict house but we also give and get lots of love. I will take my children anywhere and get compliments of them and I believe it is becasue we are strict,but loving. Yes you can be both.
Yes we have issues with our AD(14) but she does not speak to us disrespectfuly.
I think maybe a journal for P would be good idea. A safe place for her to write out emotions.She has been through alot.
bjhv
I am sorry but I disagree with you. I think the "iron glove" method works and works good.
Again I think it depends on the child and their history. There are some children who absolutely will not respond to the iron glove method. They may not be in your home and you may not have met them but I promise they exist. And of course there are some children who need that sort of parenting. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting and certainly not to parenting hurt, traumatized kids. What works for some of us may work for others and it may not. As such I think that suggestions on and examples of what has worked can be helpful, esp. here on this forum, but repeated posts that tell someone they are wrong, that a particular method or strategy will work across the board because it works in one person's home does not respect the very hard work that person (and all of us really) is doing to navigate these tricky painful waters.
Emmesmom
Yes, because I didn't go get it. She got it on her own later. I cannot punish her right away as per "Beyond Consequences' and there was really nothing to punish her for in that sequence. We have been talking alot about respecting each other and that it is probably not appropriate to call me names, etc. We have counseling this week, I am going to use this example as one to review for guidance on how I should have responded.
I think this is a basic parenting style difference. In my view, there isn't a "probably" to the "not appropriate to call names". Under my parenting style, it would not be appropriate, and I'd have a concern about escalation. But then I wouldn't view the child having throw away the IPod as punishment either. In my parenting style it would be more that this item lead to a unacceptable behavior. Since that item triggered the inappropriate behavior its needs to be removed--by the child in whom the item triggered the behavior. Again, from my parenting style, not saying its right, could be totally wrong for your child (remember, my child used to routinely bite and scratch me without consequence), even a traumatized child is still a child. Kids need boundaries to be safe--and teens need to prepare for life in the real world. 3 years from now as a worker in the fast food place will she be able to talk to her boss like that?
Anyway everyone approaches things differently.
Sounds like our 12 yr old when she was 9!!! They come out of it somewhat...and she's doing that to you only cause she feels comfortable letting her emotions out (and that's a good thing-I know not for you but for her). I'd encourage her to talk about her feelings when it happens...which can only open up your communication during later years (especially as a teenager)
Also if there is an issue with an object, my child goes off on me about it, then there is a consequence and that item is taken away as a privilege. I always tell them it's not a "right" but a "privilege" to have an ipod laptop or whatever. It can easily be taken away and they need to earn it back. As long as they expect that to happen then they will respect you. If they can get away with the mouth then they will continue to do it since there is no consequence.
You may want to setup a rules chart such as if X happens then Y will be the consequence. That way it's clearly on the wall and they are aware.
Our 12 yr old is very heartfelt and will apologize when she does something wrong. I will ask her why she's apologizing to make sure she understands and we'll talk about better ways to handle the situations. She has definitely come along way from that child they said would not amount to anything (yeah SW's words) and a child that would have major behavioural issues. We are very proud of her...she's responsible and hard working and motivated. I tell her this all the time. Focusing on the "good" things too can sometimes help with the situation also. Something like is she talks to you nicely the next time tell her "I really liked that you spoke to me with respect. thank you for doing that." Or something to that effect. Encourage positive behaviour while disciplining the negative behaviours too.
Scrapsathome
I do believe that it's very common for older kids to talk that way, but it should not be allowed to continue without consequences.
Exactly. That kind of talk and it's "you're grounded!"
Does she show affections,does she hug?
Emmesmom
P is 9 1/2 and has been with me for 3 years. The intent is to adopt, but she we have taken steps backwards. She yells and screams at me, today was "Get a Life" about 4 times because I didn't bring her Ipod down from upstairs. I get, "you are so stupid, you don't remember anything.," not in a joking manner. I'm trying to revise my thinking and tell myself to not to look for her to love me but just to respect me. Anyone else have it fall apart after three years???
She calls u stupid,she should have been punished,If it an hour in her room or timeout.Also u shouldn't have to get her ipod,she should be getting it.She just might need a little more discipline and rules.
We have 3 Biological kids and even at the worst of growing pains with our oldest, now 19, there was no way talking to us like that would've been permitted. We just don't use any hateful language in our home, or watch media with it. We believe people should try to build each other up, never cut them down. We've also had some older kids we've fostered, one set over a year- they came in and made fun of our lifestyle at first, but they learned to live in a much more loving way and were full of hugs and less never used potty language in our home. For us it took strong convictions of not only what they can't do, but why. The why was most important to me- because no one deserves to be treated like trash. Ever.
Maybe counselling will help. Maybe taking the iPod away for a few weeks will help her know you're serious. My kids would be lucky if they ever saw it again....
We have not adopted an older child, but take therapeutic level mostly older teenage boys. Each child we have had has needed to be handled differently. Some did well iron handed, others the Beyond Consequences method worked. Most were in between. Really fun when you have multiple kids at same ages with different parenting needs. It is not unusual for a pre-teen of her history to react in the way she does to the thought of being somewhere forever. Is it okay? Absolutely not. The real question is is how will your reaction to this behavior change this behavior. One of my boys, I would tell he would be losing his iPod until he could speak to me politely and apologize and after a short temper tantrum, would rephrase whatever was said, apologize for saying it impolitely and would get his iPod back. Another would be completely ignored until he calmed down for a while and then we would talk about what happened that caused him to want to say those things to me and we would work from that end. Still another would be straight grounded from the iPod for a few days. Good luck.