A defiant 3 year old

Ditto this. This helps a ton, and keeps you from having a battle every. single. time. My daughter is almost 3 1/2, so I know exactly what you're talking about. I think a lot of it is just testing, especially if you are new in your relationship. My daughter has been with me since infancy, and still does this-- no crying but a lot of protesting, defiance, seeing what she can get away with. Be loving and firm.

I'm assertive when I'm asking him to do as he's told. He's had an explanation as to why I'm asking him to do something (if he really needs it explaining) like, can you see the bubbles, you need to wash these off or your hands will be sticky. Then he says, no I don't want to and I say, can you do what I'm asking you please. Assertive.

Thanks to all of you for your advice. The common theme is choices. To them it's empowering, for us, we need to be one step ahead. So, wherever possible, I will allow him to make a choice to avoid a battle of wills.:cheer:

Yup, I know how that goes! I agree with giving choices. I think ideally those are best offered beforehand (in anticipation of a possible issue) rather than after a child has already not complied with an instruction. Although I will readily give my kids other options assuming they are communicating respectfully with me - i.e. not screaming and throwing a fit over the soap but simply not wanting to do it and using big kid words to tell me that. Something else that helps in my house is writing things down. My DD was having trouble for a while doing all the necessary steps when she used the bathroom. I made up a sign for the bathroom door. She couldn't read the sign on her own so we went over it together and discussed it at a neutral time (i.e. not immediately after a problem). There is just something about having things in writing, and of course my DD sees the sign every time she uses the bathroom as a reminder. I think just sitting a child down at a neutral time is helpful by itself. It gives you a chance to ask why they are behaving that way - maybe the water is too cold? Maybe he'd just like a chance to play with soap bubbles during a play time? My kids are a little bit older now but if they refused to wash or wash properly, I would just have them sit there until they were ready to do it. Of course I suppose that assumes you've got a son who will willingly sit there even though he's being defiant about the soap. Mine would for the most part but sometimes they balk at accepting their discipline. That's a whole other issue though, I suppose. Best of luck! :)

Hi there! Options definitely works to avoid some battles which means less tears. In the main this is what I am choosing to do now, however I still have some trouble coming to terms with the fact that children shouldn't just be able to follow an instruction without options/choices. My litte boy gets upset if I ask him to have a wee when he doesn't feel the need to go. For example, to avoid bed wetting. He is dry in the day and at night. He doesn't wear nappies. Before bed, he often refuses to have a last wee, saying he doesn't need one, then when we put him on the toilet he does a wee, therefore avoiding bed wetting. What we seem to struggle to avoid, is him getting upset because he just won't accept what we're asking him to do and why. Any ideas?

There are some children, raised in homes since birth, with no trauma, who seem to have compliant personalities and are just easy. Then there are all the rest :) 'What a whirlwind of change these last months have been for you! I can imagine there are times when all you want to say is "do it!" I've certainly been there. Even if your son would have been with you since birth, three is an age of new independence and awareness. Wanting some control and choice would be very typical. Given that, from his point of view, you are still strangers and he's learned that adults can't be trusted, or they leave you, I think it's makes a lot of sense that he wouldn't be predisposed to trust you or be compliant. Add on to that all of the neurological research that indicates that nurtured children's brains are different than those that aren't nurtured...and it's easy to imagine a child who is still overwhelmed, not prepared to trust, and, perhaps, with some challenges that make trusting/compliance challenging. If you are a reader, I really like Patty Cogen's "Parenting your Internationally adopted child." I wish it didn't have the International part in the title; it's very relevant for domestic adoptions - particularly of older children. Both Mary Sheedy Kurchinka and Becky Bailey are favorite parenting authors of mine. Their ideas worked well with my "not easy" child and while not identical, they are both based on the idea that one can love and teach a child into wanted behavior, and that children's personalities play a big part in how they need to be parented. The bathroom example is one we have in my house. I am now convinced that my daughter genuinely doesn't know she needs to go so I never ask " do you need to go potty" or "sit down. you need to go potty" because I will get an "no, I don't" and I believe she is telling me the truth. So, for several months, the word potty was never used, I only said "it's time to sit down on the toilet now" and she would say " I don't have to go potty" and I would say "I know! that's why you just need to sit down." It took many months to develop a habit, but I rarely get "I don't need to" any more. Good luck. It sounds like you are exploring ideas, staying open to challenging your own thoughts about what things "should" look like, and trying to figure out the best way to help your little guy! Susan

May have help for you on the pee-ing issue. My standard, that so far has worked on all boys. If they say they don't have to go, I say, in a bright, cheerful voice, "Oh! Well, why don't you try and see if something comes out?" Boys like to experiment. Boys like science. I've found this to be pretty much irresistible, and works best if you're not in the bathroom when you say it, then they go in alone to be Mr. Scientist, and see what happens. Usually they emerge, saying, "Something came out!" like this is the most amazing discovery in the history of the earth :-D . I *always* say something back, very brief, with the cheerful, amazed voice, like, "Wow!" or "Amazing!" Never anything sarcastic or indicating I thought it would happen. Honestly, it makes the whole issue kind of fun. It works on boys day after day, year after year. While at it, you might add, "Who's going to beat to the car?" as substitute for "Time to go to the car now." Say that every time, and every time make sure the child gets to the car first. Be sure to say, in a cute way, that you're so disappointed that you lost, or "Wow! You won again?!?" while hamming it up so they love the fact that they won. If the grammar bugs you, you could say, "Who's going to get to the car first today?" with a challenge in your voice and a twinkle in your eye. You can have a lot of fun figuring out how to get there last every time. :-)Adding some silliness and humor to the day can avoid many a power struggle. The book "How to Talk to Kids So Kids Will Talk, and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" has *wonderful* ideas about talking to children. 5 main ideas, all worth their weight in gold. On Amazon, great prices. It's my and my friends' "bible" for raising children.

Thank you all for taking the time to share your experiences and sympathise with mine. I look back at the last 4 months and am amazed by how many bridges we've crossed and how quickly I've had to learn to be a mummy, that's not easy. Susan, I want to ask you if I could about the neurological development you touched on. Is this something that will now develop or will remain undeveloped? Sorry if that's a bit of a tough question. I am very open to change and finding alternatives that work if what I am doing doesn't. I want to do the best I can. I do count myself very lucky that our little boy has attached very well to both myself and my husband, I already feel that we have a bond, he ceratainly comes to me for affection, reassurance and play!!!

Here's some very recently published research, and there's more like it: [URL="https://news.wustl.edu/news/Pages/23329.aspx"]https://news.wustl.edu/news/Pages/23329.aspx[/URL] I think scientists are learning that the brain is more plastic - for longer - than we ever thought, and we are learning more about how our interactions with our children help create their brain. I think a child who has had a level of trauma and/or has other sensitivities can be harder to parent. They aren't as compliant, they require more watching, they can be exhausting...and yet they need, as much or more than any child, a calm, nuturing, fun response, to help them change the associations in their brain. My daughter came home at 6 months old. She had been in a lot of pain for several months before she came to me, and she had severe separation grief. It was years before I figured out that she also has significant reactions to dairy and gluten (causing rages), and yet, our journey is very, very hopeful. Alys1 had a great post. DD and I are almost always engaged in a silly competion, or some great dramatic fun. She can dig her heels in, because she goes to Fight or Flight so fast, and she never flees :) So, I have to be more creative, and silly, and sideways. Over time, she has learned to calm herself down most of the time. She still has her moments (mostly when she's sick...last week was HARD) but most of the time she doesn't like feeling obstinate; she obviously wants to please me and enjoys it. It's taken time, and we still have some obstacles, but we've gotten here without punishment, jand only the most limited natural consequences and only those once I was clear that she had the ability to link cause and effect. Your son sounds wonderful and it sounds like you are on the right path. He is probably emotionally younger than his age, and probably regressed right now because of his changes...so the key words are safe and gentle. You will still be the mom and dad and provide structure, that creates safety, but you can do it in a way that lets him know that he matters more than his behavior...and that all seems to tie into how our brains develop. Susan

I love Susan's description: "Creative, and silly, and sideways."I think that nails for what has worked for us. I have 3 bio, 2 step, we keep our nephew a great deal (trying to get custody), and now we have a 3yo FS who is as defiant as they come. He was moved twice before coming to me. I ALWAYS came at him sideways when he'd "entrench." You know that moment, you can see it coming. The face scrunches up, the arms cross, his body weight expands to ten times it's actual weight, and the "I DON'T WANT TO" comes rolling off his tongue like a dare.He's entrenched. Ready for trench warfare. If you go at him head on, you are fighting the battle.Go at him sideways, he'll forget he's fighting a battle.A lot of time it's as simple as "Oh, I see you are pouting. Don't want to interrupt! Let me know when you are done so we can go ____" whatever you were planning on doing. Then I busy myself with something else.The look on his face is priceless. "Did she just tell me to pout? Seriously?" As soon as he is done (which is very quick now), I act SUPER suprised. "OH wow! You're done already!?!? WOW! Awesome! Give me five! Ok, let's go ____"Silly silly silly. Overly dramatic. And always sideways. I could not agree more with Susan and Alys.

My daughter is also 3 and we have had some "defiance" issues since she's been home (about the same amount of time as your son). I also have a 7 year old biological son and remember him doing a lot of the same things when he was that age (typical 3 year old behavior). I recently started a game with her that she loves and has made this issue so much easier to deal with. Whenever I am trying to get her to do something that I know she either doesn't want to do or will take FOREVER to do, I will challenge her with, "I don't think you can _____. Can you _____?" It works every time as she tries to "prove" to me that she CAN do it! And it's really fun to say "Wow, I didn't know you could do that!" when she's done. Makes us both feel good and keeps us from having that dreaded battle of the wills. Hope this helps! :)

werner719 -- about the same game here. Mine is "I'll bet you can't_____" "...can't get your shoes on before I count to 10.""...can't finish your toast in 2 minutes." Bedtime variation: "I'll bet you can't get your pajamas on by the time I count to ten." Kids usually start zooming around! Me, "Onnnnne, twooooooo, threeeeeeeeeeeeee, fooooooooooooourrrrrrr," with twinkle in my eye and voice. When I get to 7, if they're trying but not quite there, it's "... 7 and a halfffff... 7 and three fourrrrrrrrrths... eightttttttttttttt...." I start dragging out the words more, putting pauses between them, and making it clear I'm on their side to help them "win". For me, the tiny time I put into this, making it fun, is so worth it because it avoids whining, crying, floor tantrums, and is way faster than the child doing by themselves. (Teaches counting, too.)FWIW, I have a 3-minute hourglass for the kids who think they'll drive you nuts by eating slowly. Cheerfully, "Dinner will be over when this runs out of sand in 3 minutes, so feel free to eat all you want!" That concrete item in front of them sure motivates that spoon.FWIW to OP, sounds like you're having some great successes. Congratulations on that. All parents are works in progress for sure! AFA the general situation of children not doing what they're told, one book I read said that when wives quit doing what husbands said each and every time, and quit being beaten for infractions, children took notice... and quit doing what parents said every time. Hasn't been that long in history, we're all adjusting.

How did you all get my daughter's x-tuplet clones??? Just kidding, mostly. My three-year-old is wonderful until she gets into one of her "defiance and destruction" moods. She starts grabbing thins, destroying everything she can, hitting, scratching, grabbing. Often it is around not allowing her little brother to have anything. If he wants it, she decides she does. If he wants to sit on my lap, she decides she does. Sometimes it is just all around defiance. We've tried: Noticing and praising good behaviors (doesn't appear to have an effect but we keep trying anyway) Giving choices (Sometimes works but often she just chooses what we would rather she didn't - "okay, the toys can disappear, I don't want to clean them up.") Writing things down (Picture calendar and daily routine chart, rules chart all help some. Worth it but no magic pil.) Time-outs (Worked well until recently, now have completely disintegrated.) Quiet time in the play room to calm down (does not really help to change behaviors but does save parent sanity and thus makes for better parenting) Natural consequences (mediocre success, oddly she usually simply seems to think that the consequence is worth doing what she wants) We won't do X until you do Y (works reasonably well if she really wants X. Sometimes I have to just put a moratorium on all requests until Y is done, i.e. we'll make a snack, play with blocks, go outside, anything else after you clean up the art supplies.) Do-over practice (Moderately successful on dealing with grabbing toys from others, worked some but again no magic pill and very time consuming and hard for parents to do consistently, as the grabbing is an every ten-seconds type of issue.) Reparations (still hard to do with a three year old but there are some times when the child can be made to clean up or fix what they destroyed or gleefully spilled.) Ominous counting (sometimes helps, sometimes completely useless) Yelling, screaming, spanking... (well, we knew those wouldn't work) And, no, she doesn't have attachment disorder. She came home at 11 weeks and shows no other possible symptoms. She is too verbal (and very functionally bi-lingual) to be autistic spectrum. I think she is just very strong-willed. I will try the "bet you can't do X before I count to ten" trick. Thanks for the idea. One can never have too many tools. Arianna

My nearly 3 year old sounds like Grumbler's Ridge's twin. She's been in the first steps program (early intervention, speech, physical, behavioral, SPD therapy) since she was about 10 months old. She's wicked smart and I dont mean "My kids a genius kind of smart" but my kid is an evil genius kind of smart and has been since she was old enough to crawl. She defies us to an extend that sometimes boggles my mind. I feel like a bad parent (clearly there must be something wrong with my parenting if my kid is this defiant) nope.... I have come to learn that some kids just are "strong willed" and that my parenting skills are okay. But man alive when that one goes to be at night I feel like I've gotten the first real breath of the day (tired!) But I wouldn't change my little blonde bomb of life for anything on this planet. I'm just beyond thrilled her sister is as laid back and compliant as they come! Thank you god! We've done everything like the above poster said and I think some kids just can't be convinced if they truly don't feel like doing something. My daughter just doesn't care if you want her to do X. If it doesn't please her then it's just too bad (we've had 45 min tantrums before). They say it gets better but her terrible two's started at 10 months and her terrible three's at 2.5. So I'm hoping by 3.5 that hopefully we'll be in a better place.

This is a very common phenomenon as toddlers want to do things in their own sweet ways. We need to be friends with them and demonstrate all the good habits which we would like to inculcate in them as they like and love to imitate everything we do. For more information get in touch with PFF as it will show you what feeling is driving your childs behavior and give you techniques for dealing with that feeling successfully.