Need help for my book...

The first thing I would want to explain to people is that religion imposed judgments on people that had very little to do with spirituality. Some people's belief systems are what pushed a young girl to feel shame related to a very natural act and logical result. The implications of religion are part of the reason that I was given up for adoption. The concept of a young woman being pregnant outside of "wedlock" and the ensuing wrath of the "religious" people who were judgmental and quick to point a finger of blame were a catalyst in the decisions made to give me up. If you are going to write a "faith based" book about the process; I hope that you include the impact that religion may have had on the decision to give a child up. I don't agree with the concept that a child must be sanctioned by the church to go to heaven. I don't believe that there is anything spiritual about removing a child from their parent based on a difference in religion. However it happened. My parents were Catholic and Protestant and the difference in religion was one of the main reasons according to my father. He was Irish Catholic and my mother was Protestant. There is a story in the movie "Doubt" that talks about gossip. The priest tells a woman who confesses to the sin of gossip to go up to the roof of her house with a feather pillow. She is then to take a knife and cut the pillow. He tells her to come back after she has done that. She does and he tells her to go now and pick up the feathers that fell and blew all over hell's half acre. She says "Father I can't find them all" It's like that. Spreading all kinds of nonsense in kernels about shame and fear of reprisal from a universal power sends children all over some of whom will never be found because their very beginnings are so shrouded in secrecy and shame based on stringent beliefs that somehow human beings should be ashamed of their humanity. If you want to write something about adoption maybe that's where you need to start. I don't think that removing children from their parents helps the birth parents. If truly people wanted to help there wouldn't be all the secrecy and shame. Start there. Tell people who aspire to be like Christ to remember that. Judge not lest ye be judged. Aside from that I don't have anything to say.

However, I find it funny that everyone is focused on the faith part. My "faith" in the book simply refers where I am in MY spiritual walk. I am trying to get perspective from the adult adoptees so that I can EDUCATE people about the adoption process. Not start a theological debate about judgment. In MY spiritual walk, judgment is not an issue. Adoption, to me is about support, love, forgivness and grace. I know that this is a sensitive topic. I know that you can't know about the road unless you've walked it. That's why I'm asking. If it helps, forget the FAITH part. Help me know what to say to bparents and potential aparents to make the process easier and healthier. Adoption is not the ideal. But it is a fact of life.

Alabamamommy, You bring religion or faith or whatever you wish to describe it as into the conversation when you describe adoption as "Adoption, to me is about support, love, forgivness and grace." If not for religious dogma's - what is there to forgive or provide grace too? First rule of research is to know your audience. Read books by adoptees. Read books by our mothers. Have you read "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler? If not, do that first. Have you researched the era of shame commonly called the Baby Scoop Era, the same era that other countries have called inquiries for? All you need to do to see the impact is to read what has been in the news in Spain the last couple of years and the scandal of adoption and the church involved. That is not isolated only to Spain - it happened in Ireland, England, Canada, New Zealand, Australia, US, etc. Do you know what caused our surrender? From perfectly safe intact families? Religion. Religious dogma's the permeated society that is again gaining ground. I know you are doing this from the right place in your heart - we all know that. We are trying to tell you that you need to understand that adoption has a very dark history that we are products of. This post is NOT for your publication. Kind regards,Dickons

Uh, hmmm, how about forgiveness for the parents that have abused and neglected their children (as in the case of my child and his siblings....not to mention the other thousands of kids adopted from foster care each year). Or forgiveness that comes from being hurt by a system that you feel has wronged you (whether you are a birth parent, adoptee or adoptive parent)? Forgiveness for people that thought they were giving good advice, but didn't really understand the whole picture (whether that be young birth parent told it would be easy to relinquish their rights, the AA counselor that says if you come to 100 meetings you'll kick the habit, the naive social worker that said love was enough to "cure" a disturbed child.)....that doesn't even touch on areas were people need to learn to forgive themselves. Women and men weighed down by THEIR OWN guilt, whether anyone else would see them as guilty or not. Each and everyday we all have oppurtunities to forgive that have nothing to do with "religious" dogma, but rather with coming to a place of grave for ourselves. BTW, I'm really curious....how exactly did anyone come up with this "fact" that "most" adoptees are non-religious? Did someone do some big study I'm not aware of that interviewed ALL of the adoptees from domestic infant adoption, foster adoption, and international adoption? Or is this "concensus" reached by talking to a group of people that just happen to agree with you, then deciding that aha, this must therefore be true for everyone? Cause I gotta tell you, that all of the adult adoptees I know adhere to some form of religion. Would I then be safe making up the same fact, that Aha, all the adult adoptee's are no only Christian, but conservative Christians of either Protestant or Catholic branches, and the "majority" of adoptees were adopted as older children.

No disrespect, but, how do you know this?

LadyJubilee, Alabamamommy directed her post to the adoptees on this site. How many fit the profile of your child/dren? Forgiveness aspect of adoption because that is what she tied it too - ties into our era of reason for surrender - forgiveness for being illegitmate - for our mothers sinning by having sex outside of marriage - neither of which are anything but religious dogmas. Kind regards,Dickons

I'm not sure where this came from. I never said any of this - those were your words and your views. I'm not the enemy. Forgivness for me is about all of us - we all fall short in God's eyes - no one area of the triad is any better or worse than the other. My comment of forgivness was more about God's forgivness and grace - not ours. I wish you knew me and my story better and you may understand - so here goes - My son was adopted at birth (he is 16 mo old.) I wanted an open adoption with his mom, his dad and his bro and sis. She was a addict, abused and a sweet young girl that never had a chance in life. They attempted to abort her unborn baby twice before she chose adoption. She contacted me thru a mutual friend. When my son was 7 mo old, she died of an OD. Now her husband wants no contact with my son. The sibs are in homes of relatives who want no contact with my son. I loved his bmom and sibs and I was broken hearted when she passed. I am writing this book because I want to do what is best for my son - to give him answers and to direct him down a happy, fulfilling path of life. Our faith will always play into that. I don't want him to resent her for her choices. I don't want him to be angry that she made a brave decision to give him a better life. I don't want him to resent us because we were there for her and him. I know I can't protect him for any of these emotions - but I was hoping that there were some adult adoptees (or parents) that could help other adoptees. I really was suprised at such negativity here! I'm not the enemy. Can we get off RELIGION and FAITH and maybe come together to help the triad focus on the positives of adoption? I know there are some positives! I do appreciate the input, but lets forget the FAITH and focus on adoption, shall we?

Here's some thoughts from lurking (as I have no input for your book as an adoptee)... It seems like the purpose of the book you want to write is more specific than your OP suggests. You're asking people about their views on adoption who were surrendered for adoption under very different circumstances than your son was. I think from reading people's posts to your question, that maybe it is impossible to remove religion from adoption because they feel religion (or society's interpretation of religion at the time of their surrender) is the ONLY reason they were surrendered for adoption. I apologize if I'm generalizing or putting words into people's mouths, but that's what I'm gathering from some of the PPs. I just think that the OP is coming from a good place and many of the responses are coming from a good place. It just seems like you may be talking past each other.

Yes! What sarah said :love:

Here is what I have learned from hanging around here and reading all the boards and from the many members of the triad I have gotten to know. Each person is an individual. Each person has his or her own story. Each person has his or her set of beliefs. Some adoptees are religious and some are not and some are actually not sure if they are or if they are not. Some first moms made plans for their children based on what they thought was best for the child. Some made plans because they felt they had no other choice. Some were pressured to make the choice. Some had their children taken away from them. Some deserved to have the children taken and some did not. In some cases poverty was a factor, in some age was a factor, in some a child's special needs was a factor, in some drugs or alcohol played a part. Some women had the influence of family one way or the other in making the decision. Some people adopt because they know a child who needs a home. Some adopt because they cannot have children biologically. Some adopt because the feel that there are children who need homes. Some adopt because they feel it is a calling. Some adopt because they felt they were not done raising children when their biological ones get older. Some have a combination of reasons. Some adoptees want to know their first families and some do not. Some hate the fact that they were adopted others don't. Some are religious and some are not. Some are open about talking about it and some don't like to talk about it. Some think about it a lot and some don't think about it that much. Some adoptive parents lie, some do not. Some are abusive, some are not. Some resent the first families and some love them. Some are upset if their children choose to have relationships with their first families and some are supportive. I know how my adopted children feel. I know how I as an adoptive mother feels. I do not know how other adopted children feel, nor can I speak for any other adoptive moms. Each person is different. Each story is different.

Oh Mommy, I am having a hard time answering the questions! I do want to help, and I want the same good things for your son and others, and it will be great when your book helps with that. I think if you hadn't mentioned God or any of that I may have answered them fairly easily. That's all me. I'll just be honest and direct and say part of my difficulty in answering is I don't want my story or my words to be used in any sort of way suggesting it was all God's plan, he planned it this way. I honestly don't think anyone knows what he has actually planned or not, any more than I do. It is in the realm of using his name in vain to me. I'm not saying that I don't believe that everything I am and all the love I have isn't given to me by God, or the great spirt or mother nature, brother love, sister luck or whatever it could be. I'm saying all that from a good place, I promise. I have struggled with adoption, religion, faith and the spirit combined. I can't separate them really, as badly as I'd like to. LOL I can separate my faith or spirituality like Padj mentioned, and I prefer to keep it that way too:) I am tuned to the spirit and nature of life and love, it's some of mans religious laws, opinions and dogma that's often twisted and forced that I have learned to reject. Not to mention the vain way man can use religion. It's not us that are being negative, it's "that" that is so often negative to us. Much of the "God talk" that can come with adoption has caused me to be angry at some point, to be resentful of 'adoption' and 'religion'. It's even more entrenched than what Sarah mentioned. Yes, my mother lost me because she was unwed, and that's why I lost her. She knew how illegitimate children were treated in her community by the "faithful", she didn't want that for me. She knew, saw, how she would be treated, she didn't want that, I don't want that, yet she pretty much got it in another way, punished for her sins. I'm fairly certain that's how amending birth certificates in adoption came about. People wouldn't bring an illegitimate into their home for all their neighbors to know about. It would not have been serving their faith by supporting that sin. In many places they stamped illegitimate on the birth certificate. Changing the record forgave all the sin, no one would have to know. oh dear, I just realized I could go on and on and on with this. It's too much to type. It's deeply entrenched together with adoption for me. And it has caused great resentment within me. But speaking of forgivness, which I keep in my heart daily... It's hard to forgive or forget while it is still happening to others, and happening in God's name. And I am not so sure if it's very wise to do so. KWIM? Mommy, I'm not telling you all this to be negative. We are far from enemies. I think everyone that has replied wants to help in some way, more than you may realize right now.:grouphug: Maybe if we listed some of the things that are often said about adoption using God - some of us could help you understand what we are trying to say? We may be able to explain how what we are saying could help adoptees and all of their parents? It's just so big for me to put my thumb on one or two things I don't know how to start. I read the bible everyday, and have studied all my life, but if anybody thumps and adds a verse I quit LOL or I'll thump too, then we'll never get anywhere within that paradox but around and around!

Okay let me just put it out there. Delving into a subject as broad as "adoption" for a "faith" based book is impossible unless you approach the matter from the varied perspectives. There is no "golden rule" that fits all circumstances. Many people who express themselves here do so for a variety of reasons. We are all in different places within the parameters of "adoption" so attempting to answer generic questions without in depth insight regarding each individual is pointless. I cannot provide in answer to the questions you offered nor would I try. The questions seem vague and contrite and negate the nuances that occur. We don't have the answers or we wouldn't posting looking for some form of validation now would we? I would suspect that the interpretations of spirituality are indeed intertwined with the premise to adopt so it's ludicrous to try to separate the two. Faith or lack of it has disrupted many situations. It's lovely you have adopted and I suppose it's fitting that you deal with your situation telling your son from your perspective as much as you can. What age group are you gearing this book toward. That's a huge piece of information. First of all establish that. Then I would suggest that you form a few interview style questions and approach people you know. I am not trying to be mean but I agree with Dickons. This is an incredibly complex subject that is extremely delicate and you are asking people in all levels of fragility to make comments based on some pretty broad questions. You are one who states that you are trying to write a "faith" based book and then you tell us to forget about faith. It's not going to work.

I just re-read your post. Did you say that your adopted son's mother tried to abort her pregnancy twice with the child you adopted? And she was a drug addict?

Beth, thank you for that, but you may want to re-read my questions. None of them asked about faith. That was brought in. Yes, my experiences are faith based but the questions were not. Faith may have something to do with your answers, but faith didn't have anything to do with the questions. I don't believe that bad things that happen are God's will. God's will was for us to live in the Garden in a perfect world. Free will and our choices create confusion. I have never implied or suggested that adoption was God's will. I think the misconceptions of MY faith are being tossed out also. Just saying...

His bmom. Yes. Look, I am trying to be honest about my book. How mad would people be if I asked questions and published them and then people found out it was about adoption from a Christian perspective? I'm simply looking for some answers to some FAQ to help people decide if adoption if right for their lives.