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Hello all I'm so tired of being angry and thought maybe this forum could help me work though some of it. I've always known I was adopted. My father tells the story of when he "told" me I was adopted. I just simply said "I know" and skipped away. It seems like my Aparents (older generation 70's now) did/said things that made my adoption issues worse. As an adult, I can get very angry about these things. However, they see these things as perfectly normal. For example, I didn't have my own room or bedroom for 11 years. I slept on the floor, sofa or with my Amom. They had a room they could've cleaned out for me, but, there was so much stuff in it that we couldn't open the door. It was never a priority to clean out. So, I was always in trouble because I was in the way. I escaped the best I could - playing outside, visiting neighbors and Gma. The lack of physical and emotional space was stifling. I even cleaned out a nasty cellar (think Wizard of Oz) in order to try to make a place for me. This situation created many issues for me. I know some of it was just their generation (little to no emotional support)...but, I still have a hard time with it. Especially since now my Amom thinks we need to be "buddies." I just don't understand how someone can be that naive to think that I'd want to hang out and act like my entire childhood didn't happen. Or, that it was all sunshine and rainbows..... Insight anyone? Maybe this is more than a post should entail, but, I just don't know where to go with it.
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SweetLilyBugs
Wow I am so sorry you went through all that. I have always wondered something...if you were to meet your birth-parents today would you tell them the full truth of your childhood? Would you try to gloss it over a little bit so that they don't feel the guilt when they were just trying to do what they felt best? If any birthparents are reading this, would you want the full brutal honest truth? Would you rather the truth be sugar coated at least a little bit to take the sting away?
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"Especially since now my Amom thinks we need to be "buddies." I just don't understand how someone can be that naive to think that I'd want to hang out and act like my entire childhood didn't happen. Or, that it was all sunshine and rainbows....." I totally understand. Now, when my mother starts talking about my childhood or me as a child, I feel the anger bubbling inside of me. I did typical kid things that weren't worthy of having small whack-a-ball paddles broken on me. Every now and then as a "joke" my mother will buy one of those whack-a-ball paddles for me or my daughter, and she doesn't understand why I simply walk to the trash can and throw them away. I'm finding that my mother definitely has a selective memory, or she certainly doesn't remember situations as vividly as I do.
Thank you everyone for the wonderful posts. I haven't told my bmom about my early childhood, but, have recently been talking to my birth-aunt about it. I'm afraid to tell my bmom...she's dealt with enough guilt and depression in her lifetime. I don't want to add to it. However, I was tired of living the "fantasy" and felt my aunt was the one to turn to. She's fabulous and is in the process of planning a family "therapy" weekend with my other aunts and I. Her response made me feel surrounded by love. I truly appreciate all of the responses. It will take a bit of time to process all of them, but, please know I am thankful for each one of them.
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SweetLilyBugs
Wow I am so sorry you went through all that. I have always wondered something...if you were to meet your birth-parents today would you tell them the full truth of your childhood? Would you try to gloss it over a little bit so that they don't feel the guilt when they were just trying to do what they felt best? If any birthparents are reading this, would you want the full brutal honest truth? Would you rather the truth be sugar coated at least a little bit to take the sting away?
Sunshiny
As a birthparent I asked for the truth, and it took a year to come out. Once my dd trusted me enough to say it she could. I owned it- the pain I have an continue to cause her. All I can say is that I am sorry, we can talk about it, and I did this to you. I have an explanation, but no justification for the pain I caused.
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Sometimes we have to wait until there has been enough healing so that courage and strength come through.As a child every form of abuse was present. Some type happened almost everyday.I accepted the consequences of all that because my goal at all costs was to be a part of a family. As a small child I believed family acceptance and gaining value and merit would make me whole.The adoption sentence would be changed and I could live as a "nomal" person because I was in a family.But it never happened. What I didn't know was that at 38 enough healing and strength had developed so that I was able to leave my a-family.I didn't define my reasons or bring up all the abuse. I just told a-mom that I was leaving her. I left whatever feelings of guilt that she developed for her to sort out.I knew about the abuse, disappointments and lack of caring or concern from her. I didn't need to define anything.She believed that the relationship between my a-father and me over shadowed and interfered with her relationship with him. Nothing could have been further from the truth. There was no relationship with my a-dad, he could barely stand me.Some how we have to use the courage and strength we get through healing. If i had accepted responsibility for all the abuse that happened, the degradation from all of that would have kept me prisoner and I would never have found the courage to leave an abusive situation.I wish you the best.
Sunshiny
As a birthparent I asked for the truth, and it took a year to come out. Once my dd trusted me enough to say it she could. I owned it- the pain I have an continue to cause her. All I can say is that I am sorry, we can talk about it, and I did this to you. I have an explanation, but no justification for the pain I caused.
I havnt read alot of the posts, maybe I should, but to OP it sounds more like a hoarding issue then having I totally get where you are coming from, but it seems like your adoptive mom was dealing with mental health issues. I could be wrong, but wouldnt they do some kind of background, house visits, things like that. It makes me angry to think they let a baby go in a house where there was no room for them. my Amom thinks we need to be "buddies." well, she probably thought there was nothing wrong. People with mental illness sometimes do not realize there is an issue. I am really sorry you had to go through that, but Im just wondering if your amom really feels everything is fine. just a thought.
Urban - yes, I think there was a house visit at one point in time. However, my amom/dad waited 9 years for me. I don't think they had a home visit for years before "getting" me. And you're right - I think there are some mental health issues going on. It's not severe, but, certainly present. I really don't know if she thinks things are fine or not. That's how she acts and talking about feelings with them has never been an option. I really do think she thinks everything is fine though.....she certainly lives in her own little world.
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SweetLilyBugs
But it really isn't your fault Sunshiny and I don't think that you should blame yourself. It's not like you knew that all was going to happen. You didn't cause it and IMO you don't need to have a justification. It's the abusers fault and they have no justification. You placed your daughter out of love and caring, wanting the best for her. This is why i would hesitate to tell my bmom (if we ever met) because I don't want her feeling the guilt or blaming herself. It's not her fault (it's not yours). Her (and your) actions were done with nothing but the best of intentions. Just because it didn't end up the way it should, doesn't mean you are to blame. (hugs)