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Hello all
I'm so tired of being angry and thought maybe this forum could help me work though some of it. I've always known I was adopted. My father tells the story of when he "told" me I was adopted. I just simply said "I know" and skipped away.
It seems like my Aparents (older generation 70's now) did/said things that made my adoption issues worse. As an adult, I can get very angry about these things. However, they see these things as perfectly normal. For example, I didn't have my own room or bedroom for 11 years. I slept on the floor, sofa or with my Amom. They had a room they could've cleaned out for me, but, there was so much stuff in it that we couldn't open the door. It was never a priority to clean out.
So, I was always in trouble because I was in the way. I escaped the best I could - playing outside, visiting neighbors and Gma.
The lack of physical and emotional space was stifling. I even cleaned out a nasty cellar (think Wizard of Oz) in order to try to make a place for me.
This situation created many issues for me. I know some of it was just their generation (little to no emotional support)...but, I still have a hard time with it. Especially since now my Amom thinks we need to be "buddies." I just don't understand how someone can be that naive to think that I'd want to hang out and act like my entire childhood didn't happen. Or, that it was all sunshine and rainbows.....
Insight anyone? Maybe this is more than a post should entail, but, I just don't know where to go with it.
SweetLilyBugs
Wow I am so sorry you went through all that. I have always wondered something...if you were to meet your birth-parents today would you tell them the full truth of your childhood? Would you try to gloss it over a little bit so that they don't feel the guilt when they were just trying to do what they felt best?
If any birthparents are reading this, would you want the full brutal honest truth? Would you rather the truth be sugar coated at least a little bit to take the sting away?
My bson and I have been in contact since he was 32. He's not big at sharing what his life was like although the picture has emerged over the years. His relationship with his adad is strained and has been for years. He basically moved out when he was 16. A lot I think is a clash of personalities. Somethings he has complained about (Dad refusing to buy a color tv) I have laughed at (we didn't even have a tv until he would have been 15 or 16). I am saddened that he didn't have a better relationship with his adad growing up, because it was certainly one of the things I wanted for him. It hurts, although he didn't have the abusive relationship some of you experienced.
I think I am more willing to hear than he is to share at this point. As always, all I can do is to assure him that I am here, and that I love him unconditionally as I always have,
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"Especially since now my Amom thinks we need to be "buddies." I just don't understand how someone can be that naive to think that I'd want to hang out and act like my entire childhood didn't happen. Or, that it was all sunshine and rainbows....."
I totally understand. Now, when my mother starts talking about my childhood or me as a child, I feel the anger bubbling inside of me. I did typical kid things that weren't worthy of having small whack-a-ball paddles broken on me. Every now and then as a "joke" my mother will buy one of those whack-a-ball paddles for me or my daughter, and she doesn't understand why I simply walk to the trash can and throw them away.
I'm finding that my mother definitely has a selective memory, or she certainly doesn't remember situations as vividly as I do.
It sounds like she does remember it or she wouldn't be buying those paddles. It sounds like she's minimizing it or trying to impose her own forgiveness on herself. Good for you for throwing them in the trash.
Thank you everyone for the wonderful posts.
I haven't told my bmom about my early childhood, but, have recently been talking to my birth-aunt about it. I'm afraid to tell my bmom...she's dealt with enough guilt and depression in her lifetime. I don't want to add to it. However, I was tired of living the "fantasy" and felt my aunt was the one to turn to. She's fabulous and is in the process of planning a family "therapy" weekend with my other aunts and I. Her response made me feel surrounded by love.
I truly appreciate all of the responses. It will take a bit of time to process all of them, but, please know I am thankful for each one of them.
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You know, if this was facebook I would like this last comment by Namedtwice. It's excellent to have someone to confide in and support you! I love that you have someone you can trust enough and know that she won't go running off to tell your bmom behind your back. :)
SweetLilyBugs
Wow I am so sorry you went through all that. I have always wondered something...if you were to meet your birth-parents today would you tell them the full truth of your childhood? Would you try to gloss it over a little bit so that they don't feel the guilt when they were just trying to do what they felt best?
If any birthparents are reading this, would you want the full brutal honest truth? Would you rather the truth be sugar coated at least a little bit to take the sting away?
As a birthparent I asked for the truth, and it took a year to come out. Once my dd trusted me enough to say it she could. I owned it- the pain I have an continue to cause her. All I can say is that I am sorry, we can talk about it, and I did this to you. I have an explanation, but no justification for the pain I caused.
Sunshiny
As a birthparent I asked for the truth, and it took a year to come out. Once my dd trusted me enough to say it she could. I owned it- the pain I have an continue to cause her. All I can say is that I am sorry, we can talk about it, and I did this to you. I have an explanation, but no justification for the pain I caused.
But it really isn't your fault Sunshiny and I don't think that you should blame yourself. It's not like you knew that all was going to happen. You didn't cause it and IMO you don't need to have a justification. It's the abusers fault and they have no justification. You placed your daughter out of love and caring, wanting the best for her. This is why i would hesitate to tell my bmom (if we ever met) because I don't want her feeling the guilt or blaming herself. It's not her fault (it's not yours). Her (and your) actions were done with nothing but the best of intentions. Just because it didn't end up the way it should, doesn't mean you are to blame. (hugs)
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Sometimes we have to wait until there has been enough healing so that courage and strength come through.
As a child every form of abuse was present. Some type happened almost everyday.
I accepted the consequences of all that because my goal at all costs was to be a part of a family.
As a small child I believed family acceptance and gaining value and merit would make me whole.
The adoption sentence would be changed and I could live as a "nomal" person because I was in a family.
But it never happened. What I didn't know was that at 38 enough healing and strength had developed so that I was able to leave my a-family.
I didn't define my reasons or bring up all the abuse. I just told a-mom that I was leaving her. I left whatever feelings of guilt that she developed for her to sort out.
I knew about the abuse, disappointments and lack of caring or concern from her. I didn't need to define anything.
She believed that the relationship between my a-father and me over shadowed and interfered with her relationship with him. Nothing could have been further from the truth. There was no relationship with my a-dad, he could barely stand me.
Some how we have to use the courage and strength we get through healing. If i had accepted responsibility for all the abuse that happened, the degradation from all of that would have kept me prisoner and I would never have found the courage to leave an abusive situation.
I wish you the best.
Sunshiny
As a birthparent I asked for the truth, and it took a year to come out. Once my dd trusted me enough to say it she could. I owned it- the pain I have an continue to cause her. All I can say is that I am sorry, we can talk about it, and I did this to you. I have an explanation, but no justification for the pain I caused.
I agree with the point made that you are not to blame. You intentions were to relinquish your child in the hopes that this would provide her with a supportive family able to meet her needs.
I was in a situation where I had Mom, Dad and apple pie for the first few years. Even when my Adopted father left my mother attempted with all of her grit to provide for me. I honor that. She made some poor decisions about who she invited into her life after that but I don't blame her.
Luckily I had support from her mother my Nanny and Poppy. I know who was there for me and who wasn't. I have dealt with a lot of the issues and put them to rest.
I don't blame by birthparents for their decisions based on the information I know. They did the best they could based on where they were "at" at the time. Unfortunately there are predators out there who seek out vulnerable people. Male and female predators exist. Let's not forget that.
They are accountable for their actions or should be in the eyes of the law. Please don't beat yourself up for something you had no control over. You did not have a crystal ball to see what the future had in store. No one does.
I havnt read alot of the posts, maybe I should, but to OP it sounds more like a hoarding issue then having
I totally get where you are coming from, but it seems like your adoptive mom was dealing with mental health issues.
I could be wrong, but wouldnt they do some kind of background, house visits, things like that.
It makes me angry to think they let a baby go in a house where there was no room for them.
my Amom thinks we need to be "buddies." well, she probably thought there was nothing wrong. People with mental illness sometimes do not realize there is an issue.
I am really sorry you had to go through that, but Im just wondering if your amom really feels everything is fine.
just a thought.
Urban - yes, I think there was a house visit at one point in time. However, my amom/dad waited 9 years for me. I don't think they had a home visit for years before "getting" me.
And you're right - I think there are some mental health issues going on. It's not severe, but, certainly present. I really don't know if she thinks things are fine or not. That's how she acts and talking about feelings with them has never been an option. I really do think she thinks everything is fine though.....she certainly lives in her own little world.
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as weird as this sounds, maybe you just need to accept her. If she is living in her own world, I would just let her be and you do what you need to do what is good for you.
SweetLilyBugs
But it really isn't your fault Sunshiny and I don't think that you should blame yourself. It's not like you knew that all was going to happen. You didn't cause it and IMO you don't need to have a justification. It's the abusers fault and they have no justification. You placed your daughter out of love and caring, wanting the best for her. This is why i would hesitate to tell my bmom (if we ever met) because I don't want her feeling the guilt or blaming herself. It's not her fault (it's not yours). Her (and your) actions were done with nothing but the best of intentions. Just because it didn't end up the way it should, doesn't mean you are to blame. (hugs)
SweetLilyBugs you really are sweet. :) But I need to say that even though my intentions were good people got hurt because of my decisions. So I just want all of us as a family to be able to talk about it and deal with it. My decision was the wrong one and even though not intentional I need to say that "It was me, I was the one". All I can hope for is forgiveness, but never can I hope to be absolved of the blame. I know this might not make sense but I was at the wheel so I need to take the blame. Someone has to take the blame or nothing gets resolved. I think that is the way of human nature when someone gets hurt. The wounded say "You did this to me" and someone needs to hear it and say "Yes I did". The reasons and explanations come later, and they can be accepted and forgiven or not. But the pain does not go away for the hurt unless someone admits to being the one who wounded them.
I grew up abused and I could easily forgive the abuse if only there was an acknowlegment that it happened, that someone did it and they were sorry. I would forgive in an instant. But the pretending that it did not happen has really made life challenging for me. So I need to give my child a chance to heal by acknowleging the hurt I caused.