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Hugs and prayers to you and your family. I am one of those people that has a hard time distinguishing between who needs help and who i CAN help without going crazy. It's great that your husband is supportive. I know what you mean, though, about being the one who will be raising them 24/7. With just a 1 and a 3 yr old, I feel like I have nothing left to give at the end of some of our rough days. Hopefully you'll find peace and a clear route to take. Kuddos to you for braving these first days with a whole new dynamic. I would be adamant about the daycare vouchers. I'd hope that since you have a previous connection to the kid that they'd try to make this work out for you, if that's what you decide. How are all of the kids getting along?
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It seems to me that the boys should automatically qualify for a state funded preschool program like Head Start (in CA once they are in foster care they automatically qualify) I think you should really push the social worker to get you some help! If they want this placement to succeed they need to support you, with daycare vouchers, therapy - what ever! In my experience, the foster parent can give an ulamatum (sp???) (I need this or I can't keep these kids) and social service usually gives in, with - in reason, of course. My best method in dealing with tantrums is to put the child in his/her bed and tell them when they are done they can get up. Be as unemotional about it as you can, as if you don't really care one way or the other. If you are able to keep your calm and not be moved by the tantrum then they soon learn it is not working for them. There are times with I would sit with the child and rub his back until he settled down, if I felt that part of the problem was related to grieving or missing his parents. Hope this helps! Hang in there!