I don't want to pretend anymore

The thing is, it Could get much worse if you sent the card to them directly. Like Raven said, they could freak out and shut down all contact. Here's my idea, you put your name and address at the end of your letter that is enclosed in the card and ask the family if they would be willing to have direct contact from now on. Hopefully they will be happy to do that. Good Luck!

You took advantage of someone's mistake and now you are making up justifications to do what you want to do instead of what you agreed upon. It is important to keep commitments. I think you would feel better about yourself if you continue to "contain". What, in your eyes, is the difference between following the agreement versus sending the card directly? Are you trying to make a statement, if so, what are you intending to state? What do you think their reaction will be? Why do you want to cause whatever reaction you think you will get? Most people feel violated and angry when other people break agreements, is that how you want them to feel? If so, why?

Raven and Gwen have given you excellent advice. If you send the card directly with no warning or explanation you run the risk of getting an extremely negative response. I disagree with Howdy that you've "taken advantage" of anything....you have the information and it seems silly to continue the charade.But because you could get a damaging response from them if you send a card out of the blue, I would recommend being honest and writing them a letter through the agency stating that you received their information by accident and that if they are comfortable you'd like direct contact. If the answer is no...then I'd follow the original agreement and continue contact through the agency. There's nothing to be gained by sending them into Lifetime movie mode and making them nervous.This is all very complicated isn't it? But, I think that moving forward respectfully and cautiously would be the best course of action.

I want to echo what Paige said. If you just send the card out of the blue with no explanation, that is going to freak them out. It would feel "stalkerish" to me, or at least underhanded, if I were the recipient having the card sent to me that way. You could explain, in a note you send along with the card to the agency, that you inadvertenly got their information and would love to communicate directly if they are also on the same page. Let it be their CHOICE. If you just send the card, you take that choice away, and also risk damaging whatever level of communication you now have. Having said that, I would also be aware that the aparents might be upset at the agency for being careless with their information, depending upon how private they are and how much they value confidentiality. You have to be prepared that this could possibly backfire on you if they end up taking it out on you (i.e. they decide to "shoot the messenger") for the agency's mistake. One way around this possibility would be to not even let them know you have their information, and just ask them if they would like to open things up to direct contact. Their decision should not hinge on the fact that you already have their info anyway. I had a semi-open situation and while I used to look for clues in the updates regarding my son's identity or wherabouts, and used to drop hints in my communication, I would not have contacted them out of the blue like that. Please really think this over. Birthdays are very difficult, but don't shoot yourself in the foot over this by making a rash decision.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Except Howdy. How dare you tell me I took advantage? You should be ashamed of yourself saying all these things. This is one of the worst times in my life and clearly you have no idea what this feels like. I didn't do anything yet and you're talking to me like I'm a criminal. And you keep talking about this "agreement" like it's some kind of a car purchase or something. Thanks for your "advice" in this difficult time. Now I see I should've never asked for any advice.

Theana may I ask you what your expectations are? Are you just trying to have the AP's aknowledge that you are alive and kicking and missing your child? Or do you hope for more open communication and contact between you and your daughter? I think I understand why you want the secrecy removed. And adoption grief is very real for many of us natural mothers. If you are hoping for more contact then may I suggest that you send the card and a letter to the AP's via the agency and see how they respond. Hopefully it will be in a positive way. If they are afraid of any natural family involvement now or in the future and they get your letter they may view it as threatening. And the last thing you want is to meet up with your daughter in the future with her knowing or sensing her Aparents felt theatened by any contact from you. So take it slow. I have been in your shoes with knowing where my child was and the feelings that came with that. So close yet so far away. I am glad I did not initiate contact with the aparents or her. Nothing good would have come of it. You however has something to lose that I did not. You still get letters and I hope pictures. It is really hard to go through the years and not get those. I would hate for that to happen to you. Please understand that I know this is extremely difficult for you. But if the aparents are good and decent people one day you might have a good relationship with them. So try to work through this and restrain yourself for now. God Bless!

Howdy: Um, what the heck? I'm not quite sure where you are on the triad, but what you wrote seems to me to be so mean. It was shocking to me to read. Are you an adoptive parent who would be threatened by your children having contact with their biological parents? I personally was so thrilled to be able to meet and talk to my son's mom, and know many people who are the same. It's really an unknown how these particular parents would react. Because it *might* be like you, I do agree with all the advice to have the OP attempt contact through the agency. The concept of sending her contact info via the agency sounded to me to be the best idea. I would worry that the agency might not send it on, though. I wonder if the OP could call the agency, not give her name, and ask their policy about that. Or research the policy online.To the OP, it's beyond hard, isn't it? So much pain. You are certainly not alone in feeling it. There are a lot of other parents walking along with you through this.

If I adopted a child,I would freak out,if the bio parent,set me a letter,when I never gave them the address.I agree with Howdy and I think she said nothing wrong.U made an agreement and u should stick to it.Also putting your address on the card might not hurt.

Honestly, I don't think Howdy said anything wrong. You made an agreement, why not stick to it OR ask the parents how they feel about direct contact? And I am curious about your answers to Howdy's questions to you-- "What, in your eyes, is the difference between following the agreement versus sending the card directly? Are you trying to make a statement, if so, what are you intending to state? What do you think their reaction will be? Why do you want to cause whatever reaction you think you will get?" Whether you like it or not, these are valid questions. You are considering breaking an agreement you made with the adoptive parents. If they suddenly wanted to change the agreement, wouldn't you appreciate them discussing it with you, first?

Theana, You don't owe anyone here an answer to their questions. It's ridiculous that people who don't know anything about the circumstances are talking about breaking an agreement. You have the information and if I were in your shoes I'd feel like ending the charade as well. I stand by my earlier post that I'd do so cautiously and respectfully. If you ask for direct contact and they decline, then I would respect their decision. I've read dozens of threads on this forum of adoptive parents inadvertently getting their child's original family's information. No one scolds them when they reach out for contact or when they use the information to cyber stalk. Quiet frankly, while I would be respectful of any decision the parents made regarding direct contact, if they became freaked out like Crazy describes, I would be alarmed. It just seems so silly that the people we trust with our child's health and well being can't trust us with an address. I would wonder what they were hiding. I wish you well. I hope they embrace direct contact from you. I look forward to you checking in with an update.

Theana, I completely understand how you feel. I sent my DD's birthday card out the other day (she turned 20 yesterday, so we are in direct contact). Every year I go through a different emotion, and this year I am just worn out with the routine. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call, but I can't because we aren't there yet. I wish I could just wish her a happy birthday without being afraid that the card scared her off, or her mom possibly intercepting the card, and all the overthinking that goes with it. It's just such an emotional time, that it's easy just to want to throw up your hands and give in to your feelings, trust me, I've been there! But just because you shouldn't do something impulsive doesn't mean you can't work towards it. Think it through and if you think it's truly time to work towards a closer relationship, write a letter via the intermediary and pursue the relationship. The worst they can say is no. But don't do something while your vulnerable that you can't take back, it will only make the situation worse and that won't help things! Try to also keep your daughter's feelings in perspective. You want to always be respectful to her parents, because it shows respect for her. They have a right to their privacy, give them the option to make themselves known. You never know, they may be dying to know more about you too!!!Good luck to you :)

Theana, I'm an adoptee. I urge you to continue contacting the family through the agency. If my b-mom had sent a letter directly to my house, my a-mom would have gone crazy. (In fact, I think she would have even looked into moving and probably would have closed communication....Of course, my situation was different. It was a closed adoption. But, had it been opened, I know that would have been her response.) I can only empathize with you. I cannot truly know your pain. I don't want you to loose what you do have. I have recently started communicating with my b-mom. One of the first things she wrote was that she was relieved to know that I am alive. Theana, I don't want you to end up being entirely excluded from your daughter's life and wind up wondering for decades whether she is alive or dead. Please just contact them through the agency and ask if they would be open to direct communication. (I would not even mention that you already know where they live.) Best to you.

I'm an adoptive mom (adopted my kiddo thru foster care). Our agency promised us confidentiality, then gave our contact information to our kiddo's birthfamily. We found out that our information had been passed on when I was contacted directly by our kiddo's birthgrandmother. We were furious -- partially because there were some safety concerns about the family, but mostly because we felt that our agency had violated our confidentiality. In the end, after ascertaining that the birthgrandmother is "safe", we've had direct contact via letters and emails. But I will say that the way we were contacted has set up a bit of a barrier--I no longer trust our agency and I'm worried about who else in the family (the "unsafe" members) might have our contact information. And I'm a bit mistrustful of his birthgrandmother, too, and do feel like we're being spied on. I know it is a different situation than yours, but wanted to share my perspective.

I'm an adoptive parent through fostercare as well. You have received a lot of good advice. I recommend sending your next letter through the agency but including in your letter that the agency accidently mailed you their identifying info years ago. (If it were me I would want to know that you are honest about it, as well as that even with that information you refrained all those years from contacting them outside of the agency and disrupting their privacy, and that you are still leaving it to them to decide, meaning your willing to respect their wishes either way, now that they know). I would tell them that your wish is to contact them directly through the mail rather than use the agency if they would agree to it. There may be other reasons why they choose to continue to go through the agency. They would have more control over when or how often they receive the letters rather than them showing up randomly at their doorstep. They may prefer to read the letter first and to have the ability to give it to their child at a time and in a way they feel is best rather than the child intercepting it in the mail without their knowledge. At the age of 9 years old the parents might start to worry about all the pre-teen years coming up, and may not be willing to open things up more than they already are for fear of loosing control over the situation. Knowing that you will respect their wishes as far as contact may be pretty important to them. They may say no initially and then change their mind later as they continue to build that trust with you, that you respect their wishes. I would NOT just randomly send them something to their address after all these years without discussing it with them first. Things really could get a whole lot worse and you don't want that. You've held off this long, you can hold off for at least a little longer until you speak with them about it first and make sure they are ok with it. I am also one of those adoptive parents who paige was referring to that got some information about my childs birthfamily years ago and believes I may have found her birthmother on facebook. I am trying to make contact with her to offer her an open adoption, but as discretely as possible to protect her privacy and prevent her from being scared off or causing her any problems. Once I found her on facebook it was easy to look up her address online just based on her name and what city it said she lived in, but honestly contacting her that way is really one of my last resorts because I feel that might be too intrusive for her, since anyone can intercept the mail and it feels a little too "close to home". I wish you luck and I hope the adoptive parents are recpetive to your request.((HUGS)):grouphug:

Nevermind an agreement...the adoptive parents I found never honored MY agreement to stay in touch and in fact turned my daughter against me. Their agreement with you may have gone out the window when you gave your child to them- at least that's why I experienced. It's not really about the agreement- forget that... It's about what kind of reaction they'll have. My AP took off and went to a different country when they felt threatened. So all I can say is, please, do it in a non-direct or threatening way. I can't say exactly how that should be. Can you get a third party- for example, I have a therapist that said she would work as an intermediary at any time. Maybe this non-direct contact would be less intimidating.