Telling my child she is adopted!! HELP!!

It is not too late. Getting books is a great idea. There are some great adoption books and some great books about different kinds of families. Todd Parr wrote a book called The Family Book about different families and that might be a good jumping off point. It says things like "some families look alike and some don't" or some families adopt, etc. At some point you just have to say it, but I would practice in your head a lot so it comes out as smoothly as possible. In terms of talking about why she is adopted, some standard terms are that the birth mother could not take care of her and so she made an adoption plan so that she (your daughter) would be safe and loved. If that is not true, I would not lie, but tell her the truth, just not necessarily the whole truth for now.The most important thing is to listen to her, allow her to react however she wants and then be ready to talk about it whenever she is ready. She might be sad, she might not really get it at first, she might be many things, you wont' know till you do it. Good luck. It is very intimidating but you feel much better once you get it out.

I would say 6 is as good as age as any, at least she is at an age that she could understand. I believe in being honest but tto me there is no sense in telling a 3 year old about adoption. Sometimes too soon can cause some problems and the most important thing is to let the child know how much they were loved and wanted. I remember my parents telling me that some mommies grow babies in their belly and they go to the hospital to get them and other mommies and daddies get them from a social worker and then they went onto tell me that I wasone that came from the social worker who found a mommy that could not care for her baby. I am sure you will be fine. From there on follow her need but the main thing is to emphasize how loved she is and how it does not matter how she came to be your daughter as far as how much you love her. I think that is what it is that makes very young adoptees feel different. I know families that told about adoption before the child could understand and it caused them to grow up with some uncertainty. It is scary because it s something you never talked to her about before but once you start you will find the words. Children amaze us and are sharper than we think. I wouldn't wait though because the worst thing is for her to hear it from someone else.

EZ2LUV,Thank you for your comments and words of support. I appreciate it and need it right now

I really like the book "Beginnings: How Families Come to Be" by Virginia Kroll. It's written as a series of stories/ conversations between parents and kids about how each family came to be. My son is too young to understand what I am talking about, but I am using it as a jumping off point to tell the story of how our family came to be. Kids at that age tend to accept things that we as adults wouldn't. I remember getting myself all geared up to explain to my nephew that I was adopting and what that meant (he was about 6 at the time, and had been asking me for 3 years when I was going to get a baby from my belly). I had come up with a very simple, age-appropriate explanation, and then planned to ask if he had any questions. I thought we would talk about it for awhile. His response when I explained what adoption is was "yeah, I know" in a very matter-of-fact way. Although I know it will be very different for a child to hear something about their own life, I would expect that the concept isn't going to throw her as much as applying it to her life will.

There is a nice CD of music by John McCutcheon called "Family Garden" that has some fun kid songs including the Happy Adoption Day song and one about all different kinds of families. I think it helps normalize the situation for a child when there are songs about things like a happy adoption day.

There's a book I had as a child, "Why Am I Adopted?" It's a picture book written for kids. Not sure if it is still available, but it's written in a way that kids can understand it.

I would absolutely say that it is not too late. My dd is 3 1/2 and even though we talk about adoption, she doesn't get it at all. Not even a little bit. Her adoption story is in a shutterfly book, and she really doesn't grasp it yet, even though we read it to her, and tell her about the day we went to get her. We are mommy and daddy, she is 3 1/2, she's never known another parent. It's certainly not something we talk about daily or weekly, because we're busy living our life. 6 is probably a good age to start because it's doubtful that she would have understood before that. We have the book "We Belong Together" by Todd Parr, and it's excellent. We have a whole library of adoption books geared toward young children. My daughter probably just thinks everyone was adopted, even though my sister just gave birth not that long ago. Haha. You can go on amazon and type in children's adoption books and get a whole bunch of goof stuff. Good luck. I agree with a pp who said you're probably thinking it will be harder than it ends up being.

I asked my 6-year old son what he thought. He's been told about his adoption since he was "zero." He thinks that waiting until a child is 5 or 6 isn't a good idea.A 3-year old may not "get it", but talking about adoption from day one makes adoption normal. It's not a revelation. It's not a secret. I recommend The Family Book by Todd Parr as a starting point, given your type of adoption. Starting with books is definitely a good way to go.Good luck!:hippie:

Since you can't go back, I'd tell her as soon as you can. What kind of questions do you think she could have? Try to work on those answers, especially on what you will say about your sister, her mother. And her father. Be truthful in a kind way if possible. She may ask for details about them. She may ask why. I'd try to be prepared with some confident answers. I don't think this is a time when you'd want to stumble with your words too much. :love:

I think honestly you know you have left it very late and do not really need to be told that. I am in the strange situation of both being adopted and having adopted. I cannot remember a time when I was told, I just always knew I was adopted and it was open for discussion. Likewise our daughter was told right from the outset that she was adopted. That was an easy decision to make as we are European and she is Chinese, but I honestly think we would have told her even if we had adopted a European child.I suppose now you are in the unenviable position of having to tell her as soon as possible. I am sure it will be a difficult conversation especially given that the biological mother is your own sister. At least in our case we can honestly say that nobody knows.I am also in the position of having been reunited with my biological family. We get on OK and I would hate to think that my adoptive parents might have ever blocked contact. If it is legally not possible to allow contact then you have to seek legal advice about what contact she is allowed with her biological mother (written, phone, etc..). But if the reason you have no contact is simply you have fallen out with your sister then just as with divorced parents you have to put your differences aside and think of it from your daughter's perspective. She will have questions about her biological mother and you must be prepared to answer them. There is no easy way to do it.

My middle daughter has been around adoption since very early on. Her 2 older siblings were adopted at ages in which they knew what was happening but she was just 6 months old when we finalized her adoption. We had open adoptions with some of her siblings birth families but hers was a closed adoption. She even went to the court and was present when we adopted her younger brother and she was around 3 then. We had always talked about adoption and told her she was adopted but she never really got it until her 4th birthday. Every year on her birthday I would make a point to talk to her about her adoption and about her birthmom. But it wasn't until she was turnign 4 that it actually clicked. She began argueing with me that she was in my tummy. After sevral days of explaining she finally accept it but it was a loss for her, realizing that she didn't come from my belly. Then it started to click that she grew in someone else's tummy. That other person was not "real" to her so her questions and comments changed from sadness and anger that she wasn't born in my tummy to curiosity about her birthmom. Over the next probably 6 months she really began thinking, connecting and wondering about her birthmom and wishing she knew her and askign constant questions. Your daughter is a little older than my daughter was when she realized,but given the conversations you've already had and the fact your going to be pregnant, she will likely feel a great loss first in realizing she didn't come from you. You may want to be prepared with baby pictures and books to show her that mommy's love grows in their heart from parenting their precious baby and not just their tummies. She will want to know and feel that she still has a connection to you. Her next thoughts will likely explode with questions about her birthmom. Be prepared! Answer all her questions honestly with short but direct answers as she pieces things together. You may begin to feel that all your conversations center around adoption. Especially since you will be gettign pregnant and she will be reminded of it as she sees your tummy growing. This will likely bring up more sadness not only in the fact that she didn't grow in your tummy (or even breastfeed, if you plan to do that). But it will most likley bring a lot of questions about her birthmom as well. This is where I say, Be patient! This time will pass. It's not like I didn't like talking about adoption but when it becomes constant it can wear on you a little (then again I was dealing with 4 children who were adopted, and adoption was all around us), so maybe she will be content with just a few questions answered for a while. Anyways just wanted to help offer some advise. I definately recommend begining the conversation now rather than later. You may also find she has some jealousy issues with the new baby, since she/he will have that connection to you, that she thought she had but is now trying to understand that she doesn't.:grouphug:

Something that might help with the loss of not being from your tummy too, and maybe could help with bonding with, or jealousy, of the baby. You and your sister came from the same tummy? If so in a way you all came from the same tummy? And you love your sister and helped your sister by loving and caring for her, Anna. And she loves you and can help you and her new sister or brother by helping love and care for her/him too. Cause that's what sisters do. Weird? Too twisty? Silly? I have a feeling you will be talking a lot for a while :) Wishing you all the patience and love in the world.

I appreciate the ideas and encouragement. I am very anxious about this because I have waited so long. I know it is time to address it and the questions that accompany this information. I have already ordered a few books online and hope to review their appropriateness to our situation and use what I can from them as a jumping off point to open the door to discussion. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. My daughter is my world and I hate to tell her anything that would hurt or confuse her. But I know it is inevitable and I honestly feel she is just now at an age where she can really comprehend what it means to be adopted. Thanks again for all the ideas and suggestions. A few questions have come up about our family dynamics so I will clarify. Her birth mother is my little sister, whom has a different mother then I do, but we have the same father (technically she is my half-sister, but we weren't raised thinking of one another as half siblings.) Also she is not permitted contact per the state. Although her adoption has been finalized for many years, a few years back my sister was involved with CPS again in a child death case. Upon trying to locate my sister, CPS came to my home inquiring if my sister was staying, a.k.a. hiding, at my home. A worker came out to tour my home and see if my sister was staying with me. They were obviously concerned about my daughters safety after the death of another child, and wanted to ensure I was not allowing my child contact with or visits from her bio-mom. If this does occur, I risk being investigated myself and having my daughter placed else where. I understand totally CPS's stance on this and support them, I would never wnat to put my daughter in danger. Once she turns 18 if she wants to reach out and make contact or attempt to meet her bio-mom then she is an adult and can make such decisions with out fear of CPS involvement. Hope that clarifies. THanks for the words of encouragement, I need it. I am beating myself up enough for everyone about waiting this long, so any positive contribution is definitely appreciated. MOMOF6MAYBEMORE- your explanation of the emotional process my daughter may experience upon being informed of her adoption was especially insightful in preparing me for this. THank you. Andrea

No problem, your also in a much more difficult situation because of the nature of her adoption and the circumstances surrounding her birthmother and CPS. I wouldn't hide the negative stuff from her. Let her know what the situation was in an age appropriate way so that she doesn't create a fantasy in her head about her or the situation.

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