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Hi everyone...I'm new to the forums but I am in desperate need of help/advice. Twentyfive years ago I became pregnant and didn't tell anyone, no one ever figured it out. My parents ended up finding out when the hospital called to check on me after I had delivered the baby. I never saw the baby ( a girl) and never bonded with her. I always intended to give her up for adoption. The birth father who is now my husband and didn't find out until after she was born agreed with me on the adoption. I was just so relieved that it was over and had no intention of ever seeing her. Three years ago she reached out to me by mail and I corresponded with her for several months without telling anyone even my husband. She eventually put pressure on me to tell my husband which I did and they ended up meeting and corresponding. I recently met her because she wanted to meet me and she promised that she would leave me alone if I met her. Now she is pressuring my husband to meet our other two daughters and she wants to meet the rest of my family. My problem is I don't feel as though she is my daughter and I really don't want her to be a part of the family. I made a mistake all those years ago and now I just want to get on with my life. I know I sound heartless but I don't want to tell anyone, no one but a few people know about the pregnancy and adoption. I know at some point I will have to tell my children but I feel like I should make that decision and not her. I know this makes me seem like an awful person but she came looking for me and I never looked for her. I was content and happy in my life until this happened and now I am constantly looking over my shoulder and worrying that she's going to keep pressuring my husband to do something. I do feel bad for him because he does think of her as a daughter and I know that he is just going along with this because he loves me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
My opinion, so take it for what it is worth....you can tell her that you aren't interested in a relationship. Honesty is always a good thing. However, she is a person, and I am assuming a grown one, and it sounds like she wants to know where she came from, who she looks like, what she inherited from whom, etc. I'm not adopted but I think I could understand that urge, to know where you come from. As she is an adult you can tell her "go away" but she doesn't have to do it. If you want to tell your other kids and anyone else, I would do it soon, because she may not give you the option of waiting to long. Maybe tell her I will tell the other kids and family in 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 months etc and then do it in your time and way. Otherwise she may decide to go around you in order to try to form some type of relationship with other family members. I personally would rather be the one to tell my kids, parents etc than have her do it. You can make your husband and other kids lives miserable if they try to have anything to do with her, you can make yourself sick over not wanting her around, but I don't really think that you can make her go away. I could be wrong, but that is kind of my opinion. I do hope that it all works out for you. :-)
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Thank you for your response. I did meet her several weeks ago because she asked for a meeting. We had a nice meeting but it was in a public place so we kept the conversation light. My problem with telling my children who are teenagers is that once I tell them then I have to tell everyone. I am afraid of what people will think of me and I am also afraid of losing my job (I work for a religious institution) and I just don't want to deal with it. I was happy before she got in touch with me and I just want to go back there. I have so many negative feelings with the pregnancy and I just want to forget them. I don't think she'll get in touch with anyone but I'm not 100% sure. I just don't want my life to change and I really don't want anything to do with her.I know it sounds harsh.Thanks again.
sveiga
Thank you for your response. I did meet her several weeks ago because she asked for a meeting. We had a nice meeting but it was in a public place so we kept the conversation light. My problem with telling my children who are teenagers is that once I tell them then I have to tell everyone. I am afraid of what people will think of me and I am also afraid of losing my job (I work for a religious institution) and I just don't want to deal with it. I was happy before she got in touch with me and I just want to go back there. I have so many negative feelings with the pregnancy and I just want to forget them. I don't think she'll get in touch with anyone but I'm not 100% sure. I just don't want my life to change and I really don't want anything to do with her.I know it sounds harsh.Thanks again.
Why would you lose your job over something that happened years ago? Also, you and your husband should seek therapy because one of you may end up resenting the other over your adopted out daughter (you resenting him if he has a relationship with her, him resenting you if he doesn't though he wants to).
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Sviega,
No one can force a relationship - if you don't want one that is your perogative.
By the same token no one can force someone not to have a relationship, at least without some real life consequences as a result of being pushed to deny what they want. Gmarie gave good advice - seek counseling.
Something so natural and not illegal that you did 25 years ago cannot have reprecussions on your current job today - regardless of the religion - that is discrimination and the only time that would be remotely relevant was if you were currently unwed pregnant and providing spiritual guidance to a class of students. They could change your position in that specific set of circumstances but no, they cannot fire you for being unwed and pregnant 25 years ago. Seek legal counsel to allay your fears.
Keeping secrets is stressful in and of itself. If there had not been any secrets to begin with, you would not be in this position today. Secrets always come out - some sooner, some later.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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I am an adoptee. I know many adoptees who have been through their reunion and who have found mothers who are unwilling to have a relationship with them and who do not tell anyone else in the family about them. I have to be honest that I feel that what you have said does sound a bit harsh, as you suspected it might. 25 years ago, you gave birth to a human being, whether you bonded with her then is irrelevant. That human being, your daughter, deserves to know her family of origin, she deserves to know her sisters and her father and you. Her father and sisters deserve to know her too. If you do not want to have a relationship with her simply because you are ashamed of something that happened 25 years ago, well, that would be fine if it didn't affect so many other peoples' lives. I honestly don't see how you could lose your job - the church in all its' forms is the biggest promoter of adoption around; what you did 25 years ago is what they would have told you to do anyway.
Almost all of my adoptee friends whose mothers have refused a relationship have ended up contacting other family members because of their strong desire to know about their roots. Almost all of those family members have embraced the adoptee and wondered why the adoptees' mother didn't tell them about them. I get that it's hard, I do. My mother was extremely traumatised by relinquishing me for adoption and did her best to forget the past, but she has told me that she had never really healed until she met me and got to know me. I believe that your next step should be counselling and that you need to seriously think about how your response to your daughter will affect the rest of your family.
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I responded under the birthparents support forum. I agree wholeheartedly with the advice everyone on both forums has given you.
From your last post, I suspect you are afraid in more ways than one. This is going to turn your world upside down. Who can blame you for worrying about that. My guess is you've build this world around a secret, and now it's showing cracks and you realize you aren't in control.
It's not your relinquished daughter's job to keep your secrets. Don't make her the bad guy in your world. She's simply trying to discover her truth.
Have you considered that you are lying to everyone that means something to you? My guess is you haven't thought of it that way. Your kids don't really know you because you have kept this huge event in your life from them, as well as the knowledge they have a sibling. Your husband appears to want to have something to do with this young lady, but you're controlling his relationships as well. He's now stuck between telling the truth and your secrets. Most religious institutions I know operate on grace and forgiveness, not punishment. You have a nice wall of excuses build, but they're trapping everyone else. Maybe your other children have no interest in a sister, or maybe they do. Either way, seems they are old enough to make that choice, even if you do prevent them from meeting til 18.
My guess is you carry a lot of shame and guilt that you've tried to cover with indifference. I'd bet you are more worried that this young lady will show up, you'll care for her, and she'll leave. Seeing as you can't control that, you've found a way to ensure you can't get hurt.
Maybe you truly are one of the bmom's that has no feelings for your child, and that's okay too. I just don't get that sense from your last post. If that truly is how you feel, then don't deprive your children and husband. They'll wind up feeling about you the way you feel about your relinquished child.
Good luck. I think therapy is a great way to go.
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Wow. You were correct in your worry that you'd be thought of as heartless and an awful person, because that's exactly what you sound like. You can also add to that, selfish, loathsome, and quite frankly, a total *****. I think the young woman you gave birth to would be much better off in the long run having nothing further to do with you because you do not get it at all. You do not understand that this young woman just wants to know her natural family and heritage, something you obviously take for granted and can't seem to imagine how someone would want to know their natural siblings. This is why adoption is often the pits, but then sometimes living with your natural family members is also the pits. I pity your other children too, for having such a selfish mother as you.
Seek some therapy.
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Think carefully. I know you're scared, and trying to protect yourself, your family, your current life. Still, you may later regret that you didn't get to know this person. We all hide from our feelings at times, and they can boomerang back on us when we least expect it.
Everything comes out in the end, so when family members find out you had this chance and didn't take it, didn't let them have a chance to know her--take some time and think. Let her know how confusing it would be for the family, but don't rule out future contact.
Hey, aren't those religious institutions supposed to be in favor of adoption???!!! You are their "poster mother," supposedly.
Good luck, but think it through, at least continue occasional contact and try to work it out.
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I opted to edit this because I felt bad about how angry I allowed myself to be initially.
I don't believe you should create a person if you don't want a relationship with them. However, since that is in the past ... you gave birth so it is no longer just your family. It's hers too. You get to choose that DNA doesn't mean anything to you. You can't make that choice for others.
The United Nation's spells out the human rights issues concerning adoption in the Convention of the Rights of a Child.
You should read them and maybe offer a lesson on human rights and forgiveness to your church.
Last update on December 27, 10:22 pm by KyleXY XY.