Bmom's parents warning against open adoption

I think you need to remember that going into an open adoption, you're starting a new relationship - and in any new relationship (friend, romantic, employer, whatever) you need to approach with cautious optimism but also be prepared to set reasonable boundaries.For example, when you start dating a new guy, of course you hope the best of him... but you don't immediately add him to your bank account and lend him your car, know what I mean?Any relationship has to evolve naturally to the point of complete trust. That's true from your end regarding the mother of the child you end up adopting, but also from her end regarding you.I don't think you should change or end the open relationship because of this. I do think it should serve as a wake-up call that the two of you don't really know each other all that well. There simply hasn't been enough time for you to really see how the other reacts to a variety of situations and stressors. I would drop the specific issue for now. I wouldn't pursue it with her parents - that seems shady, like you're going behind her back. I don't even think the allegations need to be addressed with her unless she actually demonstrates the qualities she's being accused of.However, I would have a more generalized discussion about boundaries with her regarding the open adoption, if she remains serious about placing with you after the birth. And by that, I don't just mean you laying out rules for her; I mean that she needs to have the chance to talk about the boundaries that she wants you to follow for her own comfort, also. She may not feel comfortable bringing that up, so you need to ask.I don't think this is necessarily a problem. I think you need to focus on what happens between the two of you, not a third party's opinion. However, I also think this is a good reminder that any healthy relationship has boundaries, and the sooner you both set them, the better things will be between you and for the child. Boundaries don't always just happen naturally, and discussing them is an important part of nurturing any relationship.

As I see it, I am placing my child with you not my parents. I am the one that selected you not my parents. I am the one that is working on building a life time relationship with you and I want to be taken at face value for my actions and my actions alone.

I rarely post here these days, but... As an adoptive mother, I would also advise against surrepititously "checking out" the e-mom you are matched with any further. (I'm not suggesting you were doing anything of the sort before - I did read that she suggested you talk to her parents in the first place.) In order to have a good open adoption relationship, you have to be willing to be honest. It's not always easy - in my experience, with difficult issues it is rarely easy - but if you are truly going to have the relationship you say you want, you have to do it. I would talk to her. I don't know if I would be direct - as in: "When we were talking about open adoption your parents said 'X'." - or more subtle (as someone suggested above), with "Your parents had some concerns when we were talking about OA" and see where it goes from there. But I would definitely be having that conversation with her, and no one else. Some members of my children's first mother's family have very different views about her than I do, because they have had different experiences with her. Her family dynamic hasn't always been the greatest (and just like anyone else's it is often in flux) but none of that has any bearing on our relationship. It hasn't been perfect, but our relationship has been, and is, very good.

We had a similiar situation where a birthfamily member was warning us against having continued contact with our daughters birth mother. In the end we had to trust our gut and follow our heart and give her a chance. We just took things a lot slower and built trust with her over time. We are still in contact with her (7 years later) and we have never seen any sign of the birth family members warning come about.

I just have to state, as women, how many of us have not been manipulative to our mothers at some point? Haha, I wish that I could take back my teenage years... I think that you received very good advice from all of the first mothers who posted. Mother-daughter relationships can be difficult, and some mothers are very negative and cannot see the good in their daughter even when she is making one of the most selfless and mature decisions of her life. I think that most mothers who willingly make the decision to place their child are very invested in the success of the adoptive relationship to the extent that they are emotionally, intellectually, and physically able to be. I would not enter into an open adoption agreement that I was uncomfortable with, but I would use the information provided by the social worker and the birth mother herself to make my decision. If you do not have a social worker involved, then perhaps you could meet together with a counselor to discuss your expectations about the open adoption? Also, it sounds like you have felt very comfortable with her based on your own gut feeling. I would take comfort in the fact that if she were to do anything inappropriate in the future, then you would have grounds to modify the open adoption agreement. If I had listened to our birth mother's mother's opinion, then I would have missed out on my relationship with a wonderful young woman who is still blossoming and maturing as she deserves to, and the most precious little girl in our relative little world! :-) This process certainly isn't emotionally uncomplicated... I made a brief visit to the ER yesterday (all is OK), and as I initialed the "just in case" organ donation paperwork it occurred to me that adoption and organ donation are two of the most emotionally complicated life experiences that I can think of - in both instances, great joy to one family comes at great loss to another. But, as human beings, isn't it wonderful that we care enough about others to participate in these difficult circumstances? Anyway, that was my "deep thought" from the ER. Best wishes in your decisions, and I hope that all goes well.

You have received some great replies and I agree with pretty much all of them that recommend leaving these comments alone and focusing on YOUR relationship with this young woman.When I was matched with Bodhi's birth mom, I was "warned" that she could be very manipulative, and especially that if she gets a "whiff" of money she will try to get as much out of us as possible. I completely ignored these comments, because I was taking my relationship with her at face value, and so far I was impressed with her and trusted her and was developing a loving relationship with her.One thing that I think is very true is that people often live up to the expectations others have of them. I treated A with love and respect, even though she was in juvenile hall and had experienced a lot of troubles. Her mom can be horrible in terms of the way she talks about her (and her mom is also parenting her older child). I leave that to the two of them, and don't allow it to affect my relationship with A. Sometimes, young women who are in the position of needing to make an adoption plan, have had a lot of tough breaks and hard experiences. That was certainly the case with A. However I found that when I treated her like a smart, capable, special, loving, honest person then that's exactly who she was with me. She might be different with others, but I'm sure they are also different with her.I recommend keeping your plans for an open adoption. Just be clear on what the expectations are ahead of time, and be ready to set and reinforce boundaries as and if needed. Good luck!

I am a trust but verify person. I wouldn't take anything the parents said as gospel but certainly wouldn't 't dismiss it out of hand. I wouldn't discuss with emom at all because it could not serve to hurt her feelings that her parents are talking ugly about.Trust is something that should be built from time spent and actions not something that should be offered blindly.

There is a reason this young woman has decided to place her child for adoption outside of her own extended family. In my experience, I've found what often happens with a birth/first mother's parents is that they go on the defensive when their daughters relinquish their grandchildren. I've know grandparents, including my own parents, who go out of their way to trash their daughters, thinking it makes them (the grandparents) look better to the adoptive parents. I would take everything they're saying at this point in time with a huge grain of salt.My mother did this when she met my son after we reunited 22 years ago. She proceeded at some point to actually call his mom and rip me to smithereens. Fortunately, my son's mother had known me long enough to know that what my mom was saying was simply a bald-faced lie. When she tried sticking up for me, my mom turned on her and tried her best to intimidate her into silence. It didn't work...and I didn't have anything to do with my mother for years after that little stunt...

Raven, I think our mother's took a class from the same school of parenting. I think a lot of it is their own guilt. I know in my mother's eye's she thinks it makes her that her daughter one, was in a crisis pregnancy and two, that for whatever reason isn't raising the child and in my case I think my mother knows a lot of it has to do with no family support. It's hard to be a single mom and it's really hard if you don't have family to lean on. By putting me down she doesn't have to face the fact that she was to dysfunctional for me to turn to for help. I think they also feel that it reflects that they did a poor job raising you and it's about saving face.

OP stated that Mom was hoping her parents would take this baby also, but they did not want to.

If they can't be bothered to raise their own grandchild, they should just keep their mouths shut. It sounds to me like they're justifying their own decision not to help out by hanging their daughter out to dry...again, not an uncommon dynamic that happens to many birth/first moms.

I was warned endlessly about J's birthmom. Her manipulative-ness, her violence, her mental state, her impulsiveness etc, etc.In my case, birthmom lost custody, so there was reason to trust these warnings.2 years later, I'm so glad i did not take other people's advise. We have a great relationship with birthmom. This is only possible with firm boundaries. But, then again, I believe firm boundaries are always important initially - regardless of the adoption's particularsGood luckETA - What the parents have really told you - THEY feel manipulated by their daughter. It takes 2 to be manipulated.

As an Amom, I agree with the previous posters that you need to tuck this info into the back of your mind and carry on as usual. We had the same issue in reverse. Our son's bmom bad-mouthed her mother and asked us not to have any contact. After my son's bmom died, we met the grandmother (at the funeral) and she is nothing like bmom said. We assume that grandmother WAS that way to her but is a really caring, sweet grandmother to our son. As humans, we rarely treat all people in our lives the same way. Don't persue it, don't totally ignore it, but carry on with the open adoption. If she ever does become the manipulative, crazy woman her mom says she is, then you can address it. Many times during our journey we have had to chant, "We are doing this for our son" over and over. :)

Just curious....but how would you feel if someone said, "pfft, if he/she can't be bothered to raise her own child...."? Just like birth parents have valid reasons that he/she can't parent, so do the families. Plus, how many children are these folks to supposed to be able to parent? Let's be honest, parenting a child isn't easy. There are often reasons people just can't do it---especially again....and again.

I've had that statement put exactly in those words more times than I can count over the past 40 years. I've been working with birth/first mothers for many, many years. I've heard just about everything under the sun. Many of us from the Baby Scoop Era (BSE) have discussed IRL triad support groups the similarities among our parents, our children's grandparents, especially our mothers. The one thing that always comes to the surface is how they trash us for getting pregnant, they trash us for not aborting our babies, and they trash us when we relinquish our newborns. Most of us surrendered our children to adoption precisely because our parents refused to help us in any way. My parents are both dead now, but I can tell you that the damage they did is still affecting my siblings and myself. Losing my son to adoption affected all of my brothers and sisters very deeply...and we've made it an ironclad rule that we will NOT ever lose another child in our family. When extended family members are struggling financially or with substance abuse or whatever...we step up to the plate and take guardianship, rather than send the child out from our midst. I took legal guardianship of my nephew and niece when they were about 5 and 8 years of age, respectively. I did it without going through social services--I did not want financial reimbursement from the state, not when I could afford to raise them. People have always struggled occasionally with financial hardships and tragedies like illness and disability throughout human history. But the advent of the nuclear family took away a very valuable thing in our society. Whereas aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins used to step in and help out in these situations, nowadays parents often don't have that kind of emotional and financial support. I lost my son because my parents were too self-centered and narcissistic to help their teenage daughter and grandson. It bit them both in the butt in later years, and they both came to regret their actions and their words. But it was too late. So this issue of grandparents not helping their daughters is close to my heart...and is a huge trigger for me.