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I know many of us had mothers who were influential in the relinquishment of our children. Some of those mothers made the decision for us. Some of them were cruel and shamed us for becoming pregnant. Some of them forced us to hide in shame, or be placed in maternity homes, and then forced us to sign papers. Others, like mine, simply could not or would not offer support or a "leg up." I was curious how mothers who surrendered children feel about their own mothers on Mothers Day, and if surrendering a child or children affects how you feel about your own mother, especially on this holiday. Do you still celebrate Mothers Day with your mom? In my situation, it's sort of up and down. I never celebrated Mothers Day myself, and kind of felt it was more of a "Hallmark Holiday." I would go out with my mom for lunch, but it was always so crowded and I just didn't really like it. My mom and I have had a very difficult relationship from the beginning, even before I had my son, so it has not been easy for me to "honor" her. I have such a difficult time with cards on that day, because most of them are over the top schmaltzy and talk about "what a wonderful mother you are" and that just doesn't apply to my mom. I usually opt for a funny card. Oddly enough, even though my mom and I have had our ups and downs, she didn't force me to place my son. I didn't go away when I was pregnant. The only thing is, she made it clear that I could not bring my baby home. She was not able to offer me very much at all in the way of support, but even if she was or could, I'm still not sure I would have wanted to raise my son in my circumstances at that time. She is also the only one (besides my son since I've been in reunion) who has acknowledged my motherhood on that day. She didn't do this at first, but in more recent years, she has sent me cards on Mothers Day and has wished me a Happy Mothers Day, which I do appreciate very much. I still have so many mixed feelings about the day, though. It didn't bother me so much in the early years of relinquishment, other than the awkwardness of feeling I had to hide being a mother, and not even feeling like I was a mother, even though I was. And to be expected to acknowledge my own mother while I felt I needed to keep quiet about my own motherhood just never felt right to me. For the first time in a long time, I will be celebrating Mothers Day with my mom on the actual day. As my mom got older, she preferred doing something a week after Mothers Day, to avoid the crowds, too. That was easier in a lot of ways, because it took the pressure off the day. This year, though, for some reason, I'm feeling a little anxious about it. I understand, on one hand, why she could not be supportive when I was pregnant and after I had my baby, but OTOH, I know I have some resentment there, too. There just seem to be so many mixed feelings about all of it. I was curious about how other mothers feel about this after losing a child to adoption. I know many struggle with Mothers Day in general, but I was wondering how or if it affects the way you view your own mother.
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My mother and I had a difficult relationship since before I was even born. She wanted an abortion but at the time, married women had to have a signature from their husbands to get the procedure and my Dad wanted me. Mom did all kinds of things including throwing herself down stairs and off of porches trying to force a miscarriage. I was a sickly baby who cried all the time. Mom called my Granny when I was a few months old and told her she was going to leave me on the steps of a church when my Dad went to work. Granny came and got me. I didn't go back home until I started kindergarten at 5 yrs old. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. She treated me like poo. When I got pregnant in high school she wanted me to have an abortion but I wanted to keep my baby. Her and Dad said that I could not stay home if I kept the baby. Then, when I finally decided on adoption late in my 7th month, they were outraged that I was going to give up my son. They still weren't willing to let me live with them and raise him but they were outraged none the less. Once I left home, I never wanted anything to do with her again. However, my Dad left her after 30 yrs of marriage for a secretary at his job and she lost everything. I felt sorry for her so I helped her get back on her feet. I've bailed her out of quite a few predicaments she's got herself into since then too. Today, we have a peer relationship but definitely NOT a mother-daughter relationship. I have a hard time picking out mother's day cards for her because, like you said, most of them are too smaltzy. I try to find one with a joke or a cute animal on it or something. I have a very difficult time with mother's day. A lot of my problems with it are related to the years of not being acknowledged as a mother myself but a lot of it is also due to my relationship with my mother.
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My experience with my mom pretty much parallels Gwen's. This is the first Mother's Day, though, since my mom died...and it's been a rough one for both my brother and myself. My mother demanded I have an abortion...to the point where I was actually fearful that she would force me. I went to the extreme of obtaining a restraining order on her until she accepted the fact that I was going to continue my pregnancy. I had the order vacated when I was about 5 months along... My mother, several years later, became a born-again Christian and eventually became an ordained minister within the Pentecostal branch. She then reinvented history and seemed to forget how she bullied me into killing my unborn child. She abused me every chance she got when I was growing up...physically, mentally, verbally...you name it, she did it. It became extremely difficult for me to handle getting her Mother's Day cards in adulthood. At some point about 30 years ago, I simply gave up and asked my partner to do it for me every year. I couldn't stomach reading all the loving Mother's Day cards that tell moms how wonderful they were when we were kids. Some years, I simply made my own cards in watercolors and pastels. That way, I could just say my own truth, "I love you, Mom," without going on and on about how wonderful she was. This year, I feel kind of numb about her, numb about pretty much everything....
It's taken me a little while to respond to this thread also Mother's Day was back in March in the UK. I struggled for many years with Mother's Day as my mum as the main instigator of my son being adopted. It was worse when I was still living with my parents as I couldn't 'hide' away. When I moved out it was a bit easier as I could visit my parents then escape when I needed to. It took reunion for me to actually start dealing with how I felt about the day. Even then my mum had to be hurtful as she couldn't understand why my son wanted to know me / his extended natural family. As far as she was concerned his adoptive family was his only family and he shouldn't have called me mum because his only mother was his adoptive mum. So not only did she stick the knife in she twisted it as well. My mum died last year two days before Mother's Day so I felt very numb, this year it was easier.