Foster Daughter trying to manipulate through social worker
My foster/soon to be adoptive daughter (age 8) is a bit too savvy on working the system to get what she wants.

Last weekend we went to my grown daughters college graduation. We went to the store and picked out a special dress for the occasion. She really wanted something more ( for lack of a better word) trashy. I found something cute and age appropriate for her. She wanted tight black and pink animal print...or anything like that. I told her no, that it was an outdoor event, and that a cotton summer dress would be more appropriate. Ive seen pictures of her with her Biological Mom, and this was how they dressed together. So I do understand where shes coming from.

Today the social worker came by to check on us so she could make a recommendation to the Judge for the 2.6 hearing (TPR) in June. The Kids Social Worker is coming by on Wed for the same thing. The kids told her they loved us and wanted us to be their parents Smile Our social worker said she is recommending permanency for us.

So, today Foster daughter said she asked my Social worker if she could chose her own clothes. She said the social worker said it was her decision what to where, and used this to try and force me to buy her things she liked. I told her "No"...I do not agree with that. She then said that My Social worker was "the boss of me" and said I had to do what she said. Again, I said "No, we were partners in doing what was best for her, and that when it comes down to it, Im her Mother. and get to make the decisions." She was very put out. I did leave a message for my social worker.

Im worried that shes trying to manipulate me and others by using the system. She has also alluded to me "going to jail" if I ever raised a hand to her (which I would never do, so I dont know why she would even say that). Also, she also told my brother whom she adores, while they were rough housing...being goofy, that he had to be careful where he touched her because she would tell and he would go to jail. At this point, he stopped playing with her because he was worried what she was up to.

Im a little concerned. I dont know quite how to handle her threatening to "tattle" on me when Im not doing anything wrong...

Anyone out there have any input on this??

Other than that, things are going great! We just got back from a long motorhome trip with five adults, two kids and two dogs. They traveled great!

Tam
Before you get upset with the CW, keep in mind that she may be twisting her words. I have no advice, I have Biological teens ( and younger bios)and they aren't disrespectful the way many teens in the system are. Teens are off he table for us unless its respite. Be Firm fair and consistent is what I can tell you!
U should check into attactment issues.1,I don't think she thinks of u,as her mother.She may never see u as a mother.I would post this on the attachment-bonding area.
[url]http://forums.adoption.com/attachment-bonding/[/url]
I would advice giving the CW a heads up about your daughter's thoughts on false reporting. Sounds like she's testing the waters to see how much "power" she has over the adults in her lives. At the next teachable moment, have a little talk about it with her.
My STBAS does this constantly with the agency, going behind our back to get things done that he feels we're taking too long on, which is EVERYTHING to him! Actually, he's always trying to find a way around waiting for anyone to do anything...

We had a talk last night about what will happen when the adoption is final - ie: no agency anymore, and no worker to call. He was flabbergasted! He thought he'd still get to call them and someone would do whatever he wanted Smile
Im fairly certain that the social worker didnt say that, FD is probably hearing what she wants to hear. i did tell her that when we finalize the adoption that we wouldnt have social workers anymore, and that Mommy and Daddy would be the only ones deciding what was right for her and her brother, just like a normal family.

Im hoping this is not a sign of something bigger....time will tell.
Kinda sounds like a normal 8 year old! lol Substitute CW for Grandma and you'd have a situation I've seen play out in my extended family many times. Happy GRANDMA said I could and you have to listen to her because she's YOUR MOM! lol

I'd definitely address it, but I'd also realize negotiating boundaries and relationships is a healthy and normal part of growing up. The most important part is teaching her the correct way to negotiate those boundaries. Happy She needs to be "set straight" about how these particular boundaries work. Happy

ETA: You might want to even consider inviting the CW over and having the conversation with her and her CW present to make sure she understands she can't manipulate the adults. Nip it in the bud (so to speak) while she's young. ;-)
I spoke to my social worker this morning. She kinda chuckled, and said she said nothing of the sort. They did discuss the shopping trip, but the social worker didnt say anything about her choosing her clothes. Ill discuss it with Lil Miss when she gets home from school today Smile
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