Adoptee 's Birthdays

Maybe this thread has been run before but I can't find it so I thought I'd start a new. I am an adult adoptee almost 2 years into reunion. Its my birthday next week and I'm struggling with it all. My birthday was never a good day growing up - it just seemed like everyone wanted to celebrate the day your parents didn't want you! As an adult I still didnt celebrate the day although it did get easier as I got older. I met my Bmom 2 years ago and last years' birthday wasn't as bad, although I went overseas so I wasn't surrounded by too many people that knew. I asked my bmom if my birthday was a tough day for her and she responded :"No, why would it be!" Left me feeling a little empty, I must say. And now this year is really hard. I think its because I know the whole story this year - everything that happened to my birthmom prior to my arrival. And because of my arrival. It feels wrong to celebrate such a day. How do others feel and cope.

I don't feel the same way you do about birthdays. I celebrate mine. I always figured that my b-mom was thinking about me on my birthday. I feel for you. As a child, you felt the gravity and consequence of your birthday. Of course, you would assume that your b-mom did, too. Then, she breezily tells you that it wasn't a difficult day for her. That would be hard to hear. (I wouldn't necessarily take what she says at face value, though, either.) I understand why other adoptees would find their birthdays to be challenging. But, we have as much right to be here as anyone else. Birthdays are a celebration of our existence. Maybe the best way to honor our mothers' pain is to live well and enjoy life.

I don't wish to dismiss your feelings of being unwanted, but from a mother's perspective, my son was very, very much wanted and his birth was very much celebrated by me, even though there was the sorrow of losing him intertwined in the whole birthing experience. I know many adoptees have the feeling of being unwanted, and I don't know if knowing a first mother's intentions helps at all, but in most cases, our babies were desperately wanted, but circumstances did not allow for that. I have never met a natural mother who did not want her child. And I've met many, both IRL and online. It could be she truly had positive feelings surrounding your birth. Birthdays were never a huge trigger for me. It's funny because they are much harder NOW, that I am in reunion, than they were when my son was growing up. The first birthday was very hard (I was still grieving terribly from the loss of my son), but in subsequent years, I would think of him always, but especially on his birthday, and I would wish him happy birthday from afar. Over time, I started celebrating his birthday with cake and a candle, I'd sing "happy birthday" to him, and have my own little celebration. You birth mother may have felt similarly, or, if birthdays were difficult for her, perhaps she did not want to put the burden of her emotions on you. But it is entirely possible that for her, it is a day to celebrate. I'm not an adoptee, so take my opinion for what it's worth, but I don't feel it's wrong to celebrate your birth. My son is my only child. I am so happy I had him and brought him into the world. I will celebrate it, no matter what. My son, OTOH, doesn't make a big deal out of his birthday. He hasn't expressed if it is related to his being adopted, although I have wondered if it is. I will not bombard him with birthday stuff (I made a big "to-do" for his 30th, and I think it made him a little uncomfortable), but I will still acknowledge his birthday and celebrate in my own way. It's a very special day for me, but I realize not everyone is "into" birthdays. I feel if you WANT to celebrate your birthday, don't let the external circumstances of your birth stop you. Don't feel it is "wrong" to celebrate it. But if it is really not something you enjoy doing, don't force it either. I think it's a good thing that your birth mom feels positive about your birth. If she hated that day, or had so many negative feelings about bringing you into the world, I think that would be worse, but I know I am not coming to this from an adopted person's perspective, so if I am overstepping here, I apologize.

I always felt as tho I was an "outsider" and never deserved a birthday. I didnt want the extra attention.It seems there was so much grief, loss and despair surrounding my adoption and unknown parents, that little else mattered.Altho, as a young child I didnt know i was grieving. I only knew I wanted to be left alone.Also it was hard to reconcile almost daily abuse with 1 day of being "special." I didn't want ice cream and cake or to be honored by peers and school mates. My family told me I was "nothing" why all at once have a day of celebration. How did I deserve any honor for just 1 day?As years progressed, there were different levels of birth day celebrations. But mostly little, or nothing was done. It was simply mentioned and that ended it. I was grateful.I wish you the best.

Thankyou to all for your responses. Peachy I appreciate your wisdom. It has given me food for thought - another way of looking at it.

My son was very much wanted by me but I was coerced into him. I found his birthday hard to get through every single year as I remember his birth like it was yesterday. We reunited 8 years ago and now I can get through his birthday because I know he is alive and well. I even had the privilege of spending his birthday with him twice. His adoptive father asked me once if I thought about him on his birthday and I responded that I thought about him every day.

It's your birthday. If you want to celebrate it, celebrate it.You shouldn't feel bad for someone elses mistakes. Your birth "mom" chose her life choices, and she has to deal with them. Your being miserable on her birthday won't do either her or you any good, anyway.It's harsh of her to vent her pain by saying "no, why would it be." I would ignore her, and go have a nice cocktail and dinner. It's your party, she can cry if she wants to... or make you cry if she wants to. Don't let her belittle you. She made her choices, you made yours. Her mistakes shouldn't hinder your celebration of your life.

I never liked my birthday and have never celebrated or looked forward to clocking up another year. I used to believe it was more to do with getting older but now it all makes sense that it is far more to do with having been adopted. At a deeper lever the birthday is a reminder of this loss. As a child I did wonder if my 'other Mummy' remembered me on this day. Now I know she wants to blank the whole thing from her memory and life. This leads me to believe that not to be validated is the most destructive thing.

:cake: my birthday is also comming up in 5 days. i hate it. i dont wana be here anymore. i want to know why i was put up for adoption and y noone cares about me?

i hate my life at times even though im lucky i have a good family that adopted me. but i still feel left out. i feel its wrong to celebrate the day my birth parents didnt want me. every year on my birthday i just want to stay in my bed n not move or do anything. will ever find a way to b happy and go through my birthday week with out the feeling wanting to be dead or left alone forever :(

joneJR,You said, "I want to know why i was put up for adoption and y noone cares about me?" . . . It sounds like you have not gotten any answers yet from your b-family. I have recently spoken with mine, and I was wanted. My mother wanted me very much, but she didn't have the finances to care for me, and her parents were not going to help her. (My father wanted me, too, but my mother was smart enough to realize that a life with him would have been disastrous.)I was wanted, and they did care about me. . . . Please don't assume that you weren't wanted or that your b-family didn't care.I look at my birthday a bit differently from you. It is the one day that my mother and I were together. She held me. It is the only day that is our day, and it is the only day that I know definitively that she is thinking about me.

JonesJR- please try to find a therapist who deals in adoption issues. Its important that you deal with the abandonment feelings you so obviously have. I've been in reunion for 20 yrs and have worked with various search/support groups during that time. I don't claim to be an expert-everyone's adoption story is different- but I have spoken to hundreds of adoptees and birthparents and there is one theme that resonates in all the birthparent stories I've heard: the pregnancy as a situation at a bad time in their life was unwanted - the baby was loved and wanted! You were loved. For my birthday- I both hated and loved it. I knew that it was the one day we shared and since I didn't know what my time of birth was- I would choose a different time each year to think only of my birthmom and hope that ONE YEAR we'd be thinking of each other at the same time. I did that from when I was 5 yrs old. My birthmom may not have 'celebrated' my birthday but she gave blood every year around my bday (it is inconveniently around thanksgiving ) to give life for the life she had to give away. That really touched me. What I couldn't stand is my "2nd Birthday" -the day my a-parents picked me up from the agency. My amom started celebrating it at one point with minor little gifts- not sure why- but I really hated it. That was hard- because it was also my grandfather's birthday. When I left my first husband- who was abusive- I escaped on the same date of my 2nd bday. When I married my current husband who is wonderful- we did a destination wedding and was offered a few days during a specific week to choose from- I chose my 2nd bday date so that for the rest of my life I'd have something to celebrate on that day instead of hating it.

That's beautiful!

I am very sorry you feel that way.look at it from my point.I am a father looking for my son,his mother gave up,and didn't tell me until it was all done.she didnt even put my name on the birth ceft .knowing he was out there some where has hurt me from day 1.that i found out he was born.its been 34 yrs and just found out he was born on 12/18/1979.and i cry ever time it comes around making me sad and hurt inside.it wasn't that he wasn't wanted because i did want him it was his ------- mother that gave him up out of hate to me.

It's MY birthday. I celebrate MY birthday, and my life. Some woman excreted me 29 years ago. That's here and done. I don't celebrate her abandoning her parental duties. I celebrate being alive and another year of my life that I accomplished. MY birthday isn't about some woman that got pregnant 29 years ago. That's history.

Feb, I found your wording (specifically - your description of giving birth) in extremely poor taste. You have the right to your own feelings - but do you need to be derogatory in terminology? Dickons