Its my birthday next week and I'm struggling with it all. My birthday was never a good day growing up - it just seemed like everyone wanted to celebrate the day your parents didn't want you!
I don't wish to dismiss your feelings of being unwanted, but from a mother's perspective, my son was very, very much wanted and his birth was very much celebrated by me, even though there was the sorrow of losing him intertwined in the whole birthing experience. I know many adoptees have the feeling of being unwanted, and I don't know if knowing a first mother's intentions helps at all, but in most cases, our babies were desperately wanted, but circumstances did not allow for that. I have never met a natural mother who did not want her child. And I've met many, both IRL and online.
I met my Bmom 2 years ago and last years' birthday wasn't as bad, although I went overseas so I wasn't surrounded by too many people that knew. I asked my bmom if my birthday was a tough day for her and she responded :"No, why would it be!" Left me feeling a little empty, I must say.
It could be she truly had positive feelings surrounding your birth. Birthdays were never a huge trigger for me. It's funny because they are much harder NOW, that I am in reunion, than they were when my son was growing up. The first birthday was very hard (I was still grieving terribly from the loss of my son), but in subsequent years, I would think of him always, but especially on his birthday, and I would wish him happy birthday from afar. Over time, I started celebrating his birthday with cake and a candle, I'd sing "happy birthday" to him, and have my own little celebration. You birth mother may have felt similarly, or, if birthdays were difficult for her, perhaps she did not want to put the burden of her emotions on you. But it is entirely possible that for her, it is a day to celebrate.
And now this year is really hard. I think its because I know the whole story this year - everything that happened to my birthmom prior to my arrival. And because of my arrival.
It feels wrong to celebrate such a day.
How do others feel and cope.
I'm not an adoptee, so take my opinion for what it's worth, but I don't feel it's wrong to celebrate your birth. My son is my only child. I am so happy I had him and brought him into the world. I will celebrate it, no matter what. My son, OTOH, doesn't make a big deal out of his birthday. He hasn't expressed if it is related to his being adopted, although I have wondered if it is. I will not bombard him with birthday stuff (I made a big "to-do" for his 30th, and I think it made him a little uncomfortable), but I will still acknowledge his birthday and celebrate in my own way. It's a very special day for me, but I realize not everyone is "into" birthdays.
I feel if you WANT to celebrate your birthday, don't let the external circumstances of your birth stop you. Don't feel it is "wrong" to celebrate it. But if it is really not something you enjoy doing, don't force it either.
I think it's a good thing that your birth mom feels positive about your birth. If she hated that day, or had so many negative feelings about bringing you into the world, I think that would be worse, but I know I am not coming to this from an adopted person's perspective, so if I am overstepping here, I apologize.
