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Hello, This past mother's day was our first being parents, our adopted daughter came to us memorial weekend 2011 so she wasn't living with us the year before. My husband decided that we should not celebrate mothers day. WHAT?!?! I was totally hurt. He didn't want to upset her because she still misses her "real mom". But does that mean that I should not be recognized for all that I do? I see cards at the store FROM HUSBANDS TO WIVES. Mothers day is not just the kids celebrating their moms but the husbands celebrating what the wives do and provide for their families. So I quietly went on strike. I have not grocery shopped since. I have not cleaned one toilet or done a since thing around the house. I just pick up after myself. The kitchen sink stinks, the shower is nasty. The laundry is pilling up. My daughter has always cleaned her own bathroom and does her own laundry. Which brings me to my next cunundrum, during the hot summer months (it's 111 today) we don't use the dryer, we use the clothes line. My husband was off the day before we left for memorial weekend and told me he was going to do some laundry. I thought "great, finally!" but he only washed a couple of pairs of HIS shorts and jeans. When we got back, my daughter did her wash but I didn't get a chance to do mine. So I decided to do a wash this morning before leaving for work, (I work 40 hours per week too!) setting for 8 hour delay so I could hang in on the line when I got home before it got dark. BUT THE LAUNDRY DETERGENT BOTTLE WAS EMPTY! Are you freaking kidding me?!?! My daughter was the last one to use it and failed to mention that we needed more or put it on the dry erase board. Not the first time she's done that either! We were at the store together picking up a few things before the start of the work week and she didn't mention it. She also wets the bed about twice a week and this morning when I went to do a wash and discovered there was no detergent, asked her what she's planning on doing with her wet bedding? So I went to the store, bought a travel size single use laundry detergent, went back home and put it in the washer. Not my problem. They are going to have to fend for themselves. I never realized how helpless people are when they depend on someone else, I want my daughter to learn some independence. But I realize that both of them can live in a dirty messy house, have very little food in the fridge and be okay with that, problem is that I am not okay with that. I don't want to eat fast food every night. I guess they never really appreciated me like I hoped. I was hoping that by going on strike, they would realize how much I cook, how much I clean, and how much I do for them, but they are okay with me doing none of it, and I have to shower in a nasty shower. I get my own food for work and keep it at work, and I chose not to eat unhealthy fast food so we don't eat together. I want to take my strike further to really send a message but I am stuck. I don't know what else to do. I guess I can stopping running errands and have my husband do them and have my husband pay the bills, write the checks, stop at the post office. I am not going to the store this weekend with them like I did last weekend, reminding my daughter that she'd better pick out some lunches for summer camp. Last time, my husband let her pick out a lunchable with nachos and taffy, SHE HAS BRACES! HELLO! Let them figure it out. On a different note, my husband bought me an exercise bike a couple of months ago, without me asking for it, I assumed he was hinting at something because he works out, he lifts weights. So I used it everyday and dieted and lost six pounds before our memorial getaway at a nice resort. I layed out and tanned every weekend and bought a new bikini, and HE DIDN'T SAY ONE WORD! NOT A SINGLE COMPLIMENT!
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I understand what you are saying about natural consequences and wanting your daughter to be independent. I can't see in your post how old your daughter is, but it sounds like preteen or teen? She may need more guidance from you than she is getting. I agree that keeping her room clean is a reasonable responsibility. One thing about having her do her own laundry, but not contribute to other family tasks, is that it makes her more independent and less an interdependent part of the family. What if everyone had chores that contributed to the family (including laundry, dishes, vacuuming, whatever); having one of those as her chore, rather than only taking care of her own things, would give you the opportunity to provide more guidance and support and also teach her about how each person's actions affect the others, and the responsibilities of people in a family. I do think expecting her to notice and say something when the detergent is low is probably not an age-appropriate expectation. The frontal lobe of the brain (the rational thinking part) doesn't fully develop its connections until at least early 20s; that's one reason kids have parents; they can't necessarily make those decisions well.You are right; your husband could have shown some appreciation to you on Mother's Day. I get the disappointment; I'm a single mom of an infant, so there is no one to do that for me (my mom did get me a little something), but it was still disappointing. Have you told him directly how you feel - about that, about his lack of compliments, about his lack of contribution to household responsibilities? That may be a good place to start. One thing I took a long time to learn is how differently men and women think and communicate. I used to read all sorts of things in to male partners', relatives', whoevers' comments and actions, and finally realized that not only did they not mean them, they didn't even understand how someone would try to hint around rather than saying something directly. My brother is a really sensitive guy, and we're really close. I call to talk to him when I need support. When I was struggling with waiting to be matched I called him one time really upset when I hadn't been chosen (again). He talked about lots of other things (I think trying to distract me) and also seemed to be floundering a bit. Finally I said to him "I need you to tell me someone will pick me" and he said "Oh! Of course they will. You're great, why wouldn't they?" He seemed to have no idea that this would be helpful, or that I wouldn't realize/ believe it. You may want to try some real direct communication with your hubby and see if that helps at all.
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I understand that she can't remember anything yet. We still have to remind her to brush her teeth everyday and use the bathroom before we get in the car. I have "trained" both her and my husband to write down on the dry erase board stuff we need at the store, if it isn't on the list, I don't buy it if it's not something I'm going to use. She has no problem remembering to write down ranch dresssing, maple syrup, hairspray... I just got frustrated because I couldn't do laundry when I wanted to. The washer is always in use for someone else. If I try to tell my husband how much I do, he will just fire back and start telling me all the stuff HE does and it becomes an argument. I guess I just need to learn a lot more gratitude and just be thankful that he does what he does and he has a steady job and he's faithful.
I use to get upset every Mother's day because I thought I should get the day off from all my normal chores.This year I started to get irritated that the house was a mess and no one seemed to care. I then had a realization that I made the choice to be a mom and there wasn't anything more suiting for me to do on Mother's Day then BE A MOM and do everything a mom does. What I got from your post is your entire family is living like room mates not a family. I think you really need to stop and think about why you wanted to be a mom in the first place. Yes it is a parents job to teach their child independence but it is also our job to make sure they grow up in a healthy happy environment with all their needs being met (both emotional and physical).
I personally think celebrating mother's day is important in building attachment. I think that some level of sabotage is to be expected but you can address that directly by talking about how the day brings up difficult emotions, and acknowledge / pray for / think about her birth mom as well. I can't tell from your post if you're asking for help/support and not getting it, or if you're expecting them to figure out what needs to be done. If it's the latter, give up on that! The passive-aggressive stuff does not work with anyone I've ever met, definitely not with my husband. I've learned to ask for what I need very directly, and sometimes (not always) I get it. On mother's day, I say: "I would like a bunch of Pink tulips." If the shower is nasty, my choices are either to ask him to clean it, or clean it myself. He's not lazy, he just doesn't notice or care. If you directly asked your husband to clean it...would he? (If the answer is "no" then I'm out of advice!) While you're at it, what would he do if you said, "I've had a tough week. Will you please make/order a nice dinner and get me some flowers"? FWIW the 7 year mark in a marriage is WIDELY considered the hardest. Hang in there and work on communicating your needs with each other. Ask yourself who is winning in this battle that you're fighting. Is it getting you closer to where you want to be as a family? I hope this doesn't come across as harsh because I understand where you're at and this is advice that I need to be giving to myself a lot of the time! (OK now I'm off to wash the pile of dishes that I've been leaving in the sink all day because I shouldn't have to clean up after my own birthday cake...LOL!)
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When I did finally talked to him about not celebrating mothers day, he said he thought it was just another one of those ridiculous holidays someone made up to commercialize and capitolize on. WHAT? Mothers day is very historical, goes back way before "Halmark" capitolized on it. Anyways, he thinks I am being silly and selfish and he doesn't want to have to do anything. If he did it wouldn't be real, it would just be out of obligation. He doesn't see where I am coming from and is insensitive to my feelings. So there, I finally spoke up and shared my feelings and a lot of good it did me. I should have asked him about valentines day. What about that holiday? Does he just participate to "get some". I should have protested about that holiday!
On a different note: Take charge of YOUR mother's day! By this I mean, take care of yourself on this day and do what you want regardless of whether your family chooses to honor or celebrate the day. I have been disappointed on Mother's Day many times. Now I make a point to plan a day for me. I now refer to it as my one day to not be a mom. I get my nails done, get a massage, plan eating my favorite things, and just relax. Now that my daughter is getting older, she's 7, she is starting to want to do these things with me. Fine by me, just no whining or complaining or your staying with dad. I love my kids. I give them everything I've got 364 days a year. I make sure I take a little time for myself at least this one day. Now I'm not upset if otheres forget or choose to not recognise Mother's Day. I've got it covered, just stay outta my way this one day.
lulahigley
When I did finally talked to him about not celebrating mothers day, he said he thought it was just another one of those ridiculous holidays someone made up to commercialize and capitolize on. WHAT? Mothers day is very historical, goes back way before "Halmark" capitolized on it. Anyways, he thinks I am being silly and selfish and he doesn't want to have to do anything. If he did it wouldn't be real, it would just be out of obligation. He doesn't see where I am coming from and is insensitive to my feelings. So there, I finally spoke up and shared my feelings and a lot of good it did me. I should have asked him about valentines day. What about that holiday? Does he just participate to "get some". I should have protested about that holiday!
RobinKay
Sorry, I agree with hubby. It is an over-commercialized media money-maker. I feel appreciated when my husband does the cooking,. Calls every day to see if can pick up anything we need, supports me with my job--these are the things that really matter. If you want a celebration on Mother's Day, make a reservation somewhere and INFORM your family where you are going and what time. Nothing wrong with that-then you get a nice meal/celebration, and no one feels guilty.
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Yes, Mother's Day has become commercialized. So have many holidays - if you celebrate Christmas, maybe next year you should not buy him a gift, because it has become too commercialized a holiday. Mother's Day was created as a recognition that what we do is important, and it is something to celebrate. I like funfabfam's idea: let your husband know that you will be taking the day off, he's on his own, and then plan a day for yourself to go to the spa, spend time with friends, catch a movie - whatever kinds of things you miss doing. I'm single and my son will be 2 just before Mother's Day, so I'm still trying to figure out what to do for myself, but I think it's definitely important to do something!
Thank you for your support! I feel validated! I am already thinking of what I want to do that day. Too bad I will be doing them alone. I don't see why anyone else who doesn't recognize me or my feeling or the holiday should be rewarded by being allowed to participate. Funny thing too, my adopted daughter said something the other day about something she wanted to do for DH for Father's Day! HA! HA! Really?!?! Seriously?!?! She adores him, her and I don't get along. One of those misplaced anger senarios. Funfabfam said her daughter was almost 7 and is showing interest in spending time with mom doing more grown up things. No way in h*eck am I going to bring her along! It's very difficult to reward someone who is always being selfish, mean, rude, disrespecful. She hates me. She'll pretend to be nice in order to get her nails done. Very passive agressive and manipulative. Too bad because that's why we adopted a girl, so I could have those things, but that will never happen. Anyway, thanks again!
Well, she finally started going to respite and so I thought I would start a tradition of have a little something for her when she got home, the same way my mother did when I went to go visit my father. It was a movie she had been wanting to see for a long time. Well, she needed to finish her chores when she got home (at 3:30) and then she could have tv privileges and put her movie on. 7 O'clock rolled around and she hadn't started yet, her chores are to pick up after herself, not help out around the house, just pick up her room and clean her own bathroom. So we decided to put the movie because she wasn't watching it. She got so mad. Then she started her chores while we were watching it, she got done at 8:30 and her bedtime is 9, so naturally, since it was a school night, I wouldn't let her stay up and watch it. She said "I hate you guys". So I took the movie away and am not giving it to her. I don't know why I keep trying to love her, be nice to her, do nice things. I want so badly to do those things, but when I keep getting hurt I don't know why I bother anymore. It sure does hurt. She only apologizes if she thinks she is going to get something back. Doesn't give a crap about out relationship. :(
lulahigley
He thinks I am being silly and selfish and he doesn't want to have to do anything. If he did it wouldn't be real, it would just be out of obligation.
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My mom growing up always had a major pout fit around mother's day. She's go on and on about how she deserved her day and us kids were ungrateful if we forgot to get a card. Who knows.. maybe she had a point. but, what I got out of it? A belief my mother hated being my mom.. what a pain it was caring for us kids. and that she needed to be rewarded for putting up with us. While i totally get your feeling of being under appreciated, i hope you can see the bigger picture. You may get your holiday but lose your daughter (like my mom did)
Interesting perspective, wcurry, and I totally get what you mean. I suppose "demanding appreciation" isn't what I should have said. Still, I am a big proponent of asking for what you want directly rather than staying silent and then being upset when you don't get it. I also think that at a certain age, kids need to learn to look outside of themselves and do something nice for someone. My son used to fight gift giving. I would take him shopping for DH, pick out 2 options for him to choose between, pay for his choice, hand him a gift bag to put it in, and have him put his name on it. He would complain about it every step of the way. But when DH received the gift with enthusiasm, my son felt good about himself. Now he gives more willingly and puts a lot of thought into making the recipient happy.In the OP's situation, RAD issues complicate things, and I don't know much about RAD...so I don't know if it could be made to be a positive experience. But at least by telling DH that it's important to her, he will know.